St. Patty's Guide to St. Paddy's Day

This morning while I was walking Candy Bergen on her leash through the East Village I was rather perturbed by the amount of people I saw out and about celebrating the "holiday" (I still don't know if anything to come out of Ireland really deserves an actual holiday). Everywhere I looked there were average looking girls in that painfully unflattering shade of kelly green with shamrock stickers on their cheeks (both kinds) and men of average height in American Eangle denim (gag) with Guinness Suessical hats on their heads. It was a total nightmare. I had to run all the way to the Chanel store in Soho and buy something just to feel good about myself again.

Now, you're probably like "Patty, WTF? You drink like Elton John in the 80s and you love anything that you can even remotely make about yourself", which is indeed true, but let me say this: in the immortal words of Karen Walker "I don't drink on holidays, that's for amateurs." Truer words have never been spoken.

Any other day of the year I will take up this cause, but not today.

Instead of being average, here are some other ways to celebrate the holiday.

Smoke Weed

It's green, calorie free, and won't make you puke on the sidewalk and then go right back to singing Thrift Shop like I saw Latoya Jackson doing on the corner of 7th & Avenue B a few hours ago. 

Buy A Snakeskin Accessory

According to legend St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland (they probably thanked him for it later) so celebrate his victory with a little snake of your own. I'm loving this Givenchy clutch courtesy of Barneys. 

Never Eat Potatoes Again (or anything for that matter)

If the Irish ate them then you know they aren't chic, and besides how skinny do you think those people got when they stopped eating them during that whole "famine" thing? Lose the carbs, lose the chunky thighs.

Watch Anything With Anjelica Houston

She is probably the only Irish thing worth really celebrating. If Diana Vreeland loved her you should too.

Watch River Dancing on Mushrooms

Trust me.

Become An Immigrant

But a chic one; wear only Ann Demulemeester and lose ten pounds. Also please don't come to New York City unless you can walk fast on the sidewalk and leave me alone in general.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to glazing these 8,000 donuts I'm sending to my boy Rob Kardashian for his birthday.


Love,
Patty

Oscar Fashion 2014: Tripping With J.Law

I don't post during Mercury Retrograde-in fact I try not to do anything during Mercury Retrograde. I prefer to hibernate in my room curled up under a pile of furs while Marianne Faithfull sits in the corner and sings Witches Song repeatedly and occasionally spritzes me with an alternating blend of Lys Mediterranee by Frederic Malle and Chanel Sycomore. She's also there to make sure none of the candles set anything on fire. I love Edie Sedgwick but there's a limit. 

Anyways Mercury went direct just in time for Marianne to bang the ceremonial gong and wake me from my slumber so that I was ready and drunk and wearing Valentino for the most important night of the year on television: THE OSCARS.

I freaking love the Oscars. I love the winners, I love the losers, I love the clothes, I love the fact that the gift bags are worth more than most people make in a year. I love that they are "#aspirational" and make anyone feel like they can achieve anything, when in reality most of the time they can't. I also love that J.Law pulled a J.Law and tripped over a cone. This just goes to prove the power of The Secret: I put it out into the universe that I wanted to her trip again at an award show because I thought it would be funny. Not only did I get my wish, I got a better wish: her falling in Dior again at the Oscars again. I must be a really good person for such nice things to happen to me.

Speaking of Dior: fashion. (that was the best transition I could come up with on such short notice). Let's cut the crap and talk about what really matters: fashion.

 

Lupita Nyong'o

I cried at how beautiful this was and I don't cry. Do you hear me? Lupita made me feel emotion and I NEVER feel emotion. I also almost NEVER like Prada but I guess it's possible to have a change of heart. Thank you for being my Cindy Loo-Who, Lupiterella. I salute you.

Charlize Theron

 Sometimes I get our identities mixed up and I think I'm Charlize, Charlize is me, and that blue actually is the warmest color. Charlize, you and I both look amazing. Good for you and good for me.

J.Law

As soon as Ellen handed you that pizza I was like "girl is gonna get sauce on her couture." This Dior reminds me of Cruella DeVille's nice, animal friendly, younger sister...or something else that makes more sense.  You also look very...mature. I'll just leave that there for you. Try not to trip over it. 

Penelope Cruz

A lot of dresses got stuck on planes because of the weather in LA (it rained), and I think that's what happened here. Poor Penelope's gown got delayed on Roberto Cavalli's private jet so instead she Macgyver'd one out of a bed sheet. Someone get this woman a badge for crafting. Then get me another drink.

Cate Blanchett

I love this, I love her, I love the fact that her husband is visually a 2, and I love that Sandy Bullock looked pissed when she lost. Congratulations Cate, you tall flute of champagne, you.

Sandy B.

Honestly, I just don't care.

Olivia Wilde

I never thought anyone could look so good pregnant that they would make me want to try getting knocked up. I guess there's a first time for everything. 

Kate Hudson

I can sum up this look in three words: Disco Mummy Goddess. Make of that what you will.

Angelina Jolie

I'm torn because Angie's skin was GLOWING and her hair was shinier than Kate Middleton's, but this dress made her look like she was about to celebrate her 75th birthday. Still, she looks damn good for a septuagenarian.

Amy Adams

I love Nicole Kidma-I mean Amy Adams' dress. I want her to be wielding a riding crop, riding side saddle on Harvey Weinstein, and telling Christian Bale to stop acting so smug.

Kristin Bell

She's like a whorish mermaid bride circa 1899 which normally would be fabulous except for the fact that her hair makes her look so old she may as well have been alive in 1899.

Julia Roberts

You look like the table cloth at a wake.

Anne Hathaway

I just don't like you.

Portia de Rossi

I love this but something is off...I think it's her face.

Anna Kendrick

I don't get it.

Chrissy Tiegan

Just what the fuck. You aren't in 8th grade, lose the damn pink flower petals.

Liza Minelli

I honestly can't put my feelings into words, so like any proper Taurus I'll put them into objects: medication and paintball. Divine that, bitches. Oh and IT'S LIZA WITH A Z.

Jared Leto

I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get another inspiring man bun, because that thing was a game changer, but you still look like the version of Jesus I would worship if I had any inclination to worship anyone or anything besides myself. Also your brother is pants-dropping hot.

And to the most fabulous person of the night:

Judi Dench.

Bitch is too hardcore to even show up. Rock on Judi, rock on. 

Now someone bring me a box of snakes. 

Love,

Patty

p.s. I have no idea why the font is different. That's not on me.

Poorly Dressed Little Liars

The People's Choice Awards (I still can't believe those are a thing) kicked off award season last night and I couldn't be more thrilled because it means that we are about to be deluged with an endless supply of red carpet pictures of celebrities, people who think they are celebrities, and people who just sleep with celebrities, all posing awkwardly and hating each other with a smile on their face and a pharmaceutical cocktail in their system.

Now, the PCA's are not the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, etc. They are fringe territory awkwardly balancing on the tip of award season like a angel dancing on the head of a crystal meth-studded pin. I think the major problem with this year's People's Choice Awards was that none of the attendees could remember their own age. Seriously, it was like they all had collective amnesia, or were going through some Freaky Friday shit because they pissed off their stylist-WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO. In the hierarchy of non-household staff the stylist ranks number 2 (just after the ghost writer you hired to help with your memoir) and should never be disrespected because they will RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Sandra Bullock

 

I get that forty is the new twenty and that thirty is now just two hot fifteen year old's, but fifty is still fifty and this dress is still making me mad.


Jennifer Hudson

J. Hud. I get it, you're a great girl and I totally love that you bought your assistant a house for Christmas (I got mine a yacht) but I'm going to have to use my least favorite word in the dictionary to describe this dress. Cheap. It looks like "you" found it balled up on the floor of a Forever21 changing room and were just like "screw the Valentino, this will do". Two other things: take off that damn watch, this isn't high school biology class, and also why are your toes like that? That just looks uncomfortable.

Anna Faris

Girlfriend, I know you aren't aging that great (seriously, sorry about that) but you don't need to remind everyone about your impending wrinkles by dressing like Jane Fonda. This would look amazing on Jane. In fact, she would look younger in this than you do. I'm gonna call her right now.

Kat Dennings

Either hem your skirt or get that weird (or totally genius?) leg-lengthening plastic surgery, because you look like a whorish milk maid. A whorish milk maid in need of an iron and some hem tape.

Jessica Alba

E!, that stunning beacon of disillusion, "loved" this Jason Wu dress. I, on the other hand, do not.

Naya Rivera

If you just cut it off at the waist down I love it, it's when you focus on the upper half of her body that I begin to have questions. Questions such as why do you look like Jennifer Lopez's infomercial peddling sister, or like what's up with that gold collar. Is it attached to the dress? Where is the missing cowbell? I don't know. 

Sarah Bareilles

Like actually this is so upsetting to me. It's just awful.  I have so many negative things to say that I'm just going to take the high road (or low road, depending on what that pill was that I just took) and let this dress/shoes/hair speak for itself. Can you hear it? It's saying HELP ME.

Allison Williams

Another dress that E! liked. I'm beginning to think that E! is entirely staffed by idiots. Also don't the panels in this remind you of pool chairs?

Nina Dobrev

I just can't stop picturing you showing up to the PCA's and this dress is entirely black, and then at some point someone shoved you into Lady Gaga and the glue keeping all the crystals to her dress hadn't dried and you came away looking like Rihanna had rolled you into a diamond blunt.

 Malin Ackerman

I can't believe I'm saying this, but look at her boobs. Don't they look a little...off? Between letting a kindergarten class scribble all over her dress and then giving them safety scissors to create that cleavage harness I just don't know what to think.

Melissa Joan Hart

MJH. I already didn't like you since Sabrina went off the air, but I had for the most part forgotten about you so it wasn't really an issue. Until now, now we have an issue.

Ashley Rickards

Who let you out of the hospital without taking off your body cast? Also take off those damn nude pumps. You aren't Kate Middleton.

Olga Fonda

Once I realized you weren't related to Jane I gave up all hope. Also why is there gravel on your boobs?

Allison Janney

I'm not here to criticize, if anything I'm here to be a support system, like spanx (ew) or xanax (yay). So take this in like a xanax and let the effortless chic do for you what Barney's does for me on a regular basis.

Melissa Rauch

I don't know who you are but I do know that women of a certain age shouldn't wear bangs. Also I'm just so confused about your dress. You know what this reminds me of?

 Enough said.

 Adelaide Kane

I'm gonna let you have this because I'm obsessed with that historical shitshow you star in, but I almost didn't. Almost. Now get out of here before I track you down and start forcibly applying more lace appliques to your dress.

God that was exhausting. I'm going back to bed.

Cheers!

Love,

Patty

Sunday/Funday with Young Karl Lagerfeld

Le sigh. It's Sunday night. The cat's being an asshole, the fire alarm is going off across the street at the Neptune Hotel, I only have one alcoholic cider left, and I ate an extra serving of cheese which I now regret. C'est la vie. Until Mars enters my rising sign of Virgo this week on the 15th I'm allowed to be low energy. Maybe that's what is going on with the government shutdown. Maybe the senate is collectively a Virgo, too.

In the spirit of that-and my hangover from last night which will just not give up-please enjoy these pictures of a young Karl Lagerfeld and remember the days when he and Yves Saint Laurent were in the bitchiest feud ever.

 Here he is telling the model to lose five pounds.

 Working on his fitness.

Having a Baywatch/Sports Illustrated moment. 

 This is a thing.

 Who knew he was such a bear?

From his Mr. Universe audition tape.

 

I really can't form an opinion on this.

 Channeling his inner Dali, or something.

Right before going on stage at the opening performance of the Mikado.

And then there was this super awkward 90s phase...

What a fabulous queen. We salute you, Kaiser Karl.


Love,
Patty