If Susan Miller Can Take A Break Then So Can I

I get it. I've been gone for longer than is acceptable and you've been losing it. You've been crying yourself to sleep each night, calling your mom every day, wondering what it is that you could have possibly done wrong. I understand. Life is really, really, REALLY hard when I'm not here to fix EVERYTHING.

But guess what? Not unlike Dina Manzo returning to RHONJ, I'M BACK BITCHES.

Now, before we start talking about you (which isn't going to happen anyways) let's take a moment and talk about me. Where have I been? I'm sure you've been wondering that, and if you haven't then you are probably dead on the inside. What have I been up to? Well, it certainly hasn't been getting laid but we'll just keep that to ourselves. What have I been thinking? Nothing PC. That said, I've returned with the Gospel of Patty, and not only is it in hardcover, it's leather-bound. Basically I've been working on something really important this last month or so. No, it's not a book, and no, it's not curing Ebola (as if); it's something way more important: myself.

I've been doing really big things lately. I ate a tape worm but refused to let it make me lose weight. I drank nothing but kombucha for 72 hours. I helped a lost child realize that orange wasn't his color. I went on a date with a homeless person (to be fair I didn't know he was homeless until 48 minutes into the date; I just thought he was an artist) but all these things have been making me feel better about me. 

That being said I actually am here to metaphorically help you. Here are some soul searching exercises you ought to try.

Buy Something You've Always Wanted, Then Return It. 

You know how they say "if you love something let it go"? Well, I always thought that was bullshit because I'm a Taurus and we love owning things like the Antebellum South loved owning slaves, but I was wrong...sort of. Go to Barneys, buy that Saint Laurent or Celine you've always wanted, enjoy it for twenty minutes, five hours, whatever, then bring it back. That kind of limited fun will make you grow, and this way you get your money back.

Backpack Across Switzerland

It's so refreshing to be up in the Alps during summer, mainly because it isn't cold as an Eskimo's nuts this time of year, but also because if things get really bad you can just roll down a mountain side straight into George Clooney's Lake Como villa. Thanks for letting me crash, George!

Become A Gypsy

But in the cute way. Basically just cover yourself with Byredo's Gypsy Water, drink lots of illegal alcohol, and screw someone with a bunch of piercings while wearing a bandana. Chic, no?

Stay In A Sauna Until You Die. Come Back To Life.

I never would have guessed that "God" (or whomever that bitch was at the end of the tunnel) looks just like Eva Longoria, but it's all good.

Adopt A Baby

I think mine is broken because it WILL NOT STOP CRYING. Ugh, I should have returned this instead of that Balenciaga bag. Stupid Kim Kardashian making parenting look easy.

Alright, I've got to go. But don't worry; unlike this baby, I won't be leaving you alone again for weeks on end!

Cheers!

Love,

Patty

If I Tell You To Jump Off A Bridge I'm Probably Drunk

The other day was apparently the first day of summer; I don't know how anyone decided this since no one consulted me on the subject, but whatever. It's summer, and that's just great. Since my What's In & What's Out for Spring 2014 post was so popular, I thought I'd do another installment for Summer so you don't have to worry about being on your a-game.

See below for all that is chic and less chic for Summer 2014.

IN

Cancelling TV Shows

Refuting jelly, but accepting jam

Astronomy

Any issue of VOGUE with Sharon Stone on the cover

Saying "Yes"

Chess

My hair

One Olsen twin

Freedom

Robots

Rooms kept permanently at 68 degrees

Ambassadors

Emergency procedures

Jetskis

Breaking cars with sledgehammers

1979

Cara Delevingne's acting career

Rivers

Cigarettes, but only if you're me or Kate Moss

Tattoos

Yo

Jupiter entering Leo

High ceilings

Shag carpets

Blue-veined Marble

Ancient Art

Having a farm

Sending a pot of dirt instead of flowers

Wheat embellishments

Peonies

La Roux

Finding children on church doorsteps

Whitney Houston impersonators

The Donner Party

Geri Halliwell's solo career

Sienna Miller's baby

Anything "chia", be it pets, puddings, or something else I'm not aware of that is chia related.

Quvenzhané Wallis

Weed

Winter

OUT

Saying "No"

Math

Tiffany Lamps

Babies

Emma Roberts

Gourds

E-Cigs

Madonna's arms

Edible Arrangements

Cider

Supernatural beings

Cigarettes, but only if you aren't me or Kate Moss

Quoting Maya Angelou

The other Olsen twin

Government jobs

Alec Baldwin

Grocery Stores

Hobbits

Nautical themed anything

Gstaad

Tumblr

Vine

Water skiing

Sandstone

Onesies

Waiting

Office environments 

Wearing sunglasses indoors

Modern Art

UN Summits

Music Festivals

Corn Syrup

Cocaine

Daisies

Summer

Also, here are some photos I've pulled that scream summer to me like a Real Housewife of New Jersey (really, any housewife from NJ will do). You should make a vision board for your summer, too.

I know, without me you would be lost.

Love,
Patty

Are You Afraid of the Dark (liquor)?

Today the barista at Dean & Deluca put whole milk in my latte instead of skim, as I had requested. After feeling faint and having to lay down upon my chaise longue, this got me to thinking about fear.
We all have fears, like, what if they forget to put the dressing on the side of my seared tuna & kale salad and I'm too cross-faded to make a fuss? Or what if I lose track of my teacup husky (that's a thing now) and I find it three weeks later expired inside my Balenciaga bag? (#whatsthatsmell?)

Now, I know a lot of you look up to me, mainly because I never go anywhere in flat shoes, so I thought I would help all of us grow by airing some of the terrifying thoughts that keep me up at night. Below I've listed ten of my biggest fears; hopefully this will encourage you to do the same thing, and by doing so begin the process of confronting your own personal demons.

Just remember that this, like the trunk of my car, is a safe space. 

Diet Coke

Terrifying because it's even worse for you than its already sadistic sibling, regular Coke. Just do what I do and stick to the holy trinity: water, green tea, and alcohol.

Rosie O'Donnell

 Because you know that instead of hiring an assasin she would kill you herself.

Bruce Jenner's Adams Apple

Is it there? Is it not there? I don't know but I need a concrete answer.

Back Sweat

I shouldn't need to elaborate.

Loveseats

TOO MUCH PRESSURE IN ONE PIECE OF FURNITURE

Becoming Beth from Little Women

No one wants to be Beth. I'm totally Amy, but I'd also settle for Jo.

Antarctica

Who the hell knows what they are hiding down there.

Sobriety

I'd rather try Sears. Besides, then what would happen to this blog?

Balding

I have the best damn head of hair in the Tri-State area. Plus, if I still have it when I'm old I want to look like this:

Peasants

They are always up to some kind of socialist bullshit. GET BACK TO YOUR POTATO FIELD.

The following future deaths:

Jane Fonda

Hillary Clinton

Anna Wintour

Tom Ford

Karl Lagerfeld

Judi Dench

Maggie Smith

Antonia Fraser

Lena Dunham

I know, you're shocked by that last one, but the hatred fuels my daily existence. Without her, I would be nothing.

JK.

Word to your mother.


Love,
Patty

When Life Gives You Lemons...Master Cleanse.

It's easy to get stressed out in this day and age, and while I think xanax prescirptions should totally be readily available to everyone the world over, I know that that's not possible for various hazy reasons-or so the DEA keeps telling me.  Instead, many of us have to deal with the mundane (hate that word) crappiness of day-to-day life and find a way to cope, xanax-free. Now, I am many things, but mundane (again, totally hate that word) is not one of them, and neither is crappy, but that doesn't mean I don't get stressed out. It's emotions I try to avoid-stress is a whole other issue. That being said, there are so many different ways to cope with stress that I'm sure you haven't considered, besides pills.

Let Patty help.

Sit under a waterfall for two hours

Do it during your lunch break; it's so rejuvenating and completely fat-free.

Listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat without moving until your philosophical wounds heal

Only your eyes may move, and that movement must be expelling tears.

Find a Panda and become its friend

 And then go on to star in a movie about it.

Plan a search mission for Atlantis

Honestly, this is more fun on Ambien, but it does restore your faith in childish innocence. Or you just black out.

Hire a sherpa, have him follow you around everywhere you go

He can usher you through Soho when it's crowded with tourists and people who walk too slowly (you know who you are and I hate all of you).

Move to a mountaintop and revel in the bucolic nature of it all by living like Heidi

 But do not forget to bring your maid.

Make a vision board

Then set it on fire. Fire is cleansing, apparently *coughediesedgwickcough*

Get on a yacht

Preferably with a Casiraghi, and bonus points if Caroline is there. 

Hang out with Eva Longoria

Girlfriend knows how to party.

Go to Switzerland

So god damn calming you could just die. Ditto Belgium. 

Do something you've always thought about doing, but never have

Chelsea Clinton and I had the BEST night at Medieval Times. We bought swords and drank with peasants (LOL).

Create a shrine. Worship daily

I have one dedicated to Kate Moss in my room. It really gets me focused.

Eat something

You earned it, I guess. (did you?)

Tracy Anderson your way through it

This woman is everything. She does Gwyneth, OKAY?

Realize you are better than all that

I mean, I know I am.

I hope you feel better.


Namaste,
Patty

Saying Goodbye To Maya Angelou More Tastefully Than You Did

Whenever a significantly intelligent person dies people become total Kardashians and start posting all kinds of inspirational quotes by said dead person, quotes which they never even came across until said person was six feet under. I'm not going to get on a xanax-induced high-horse and say I was an ardent fan of Maya Angelou; I certainly respected her, but in a distant, peripheral manner, much like how I respect the genius of Stephen Hawking, or Proust, or Lisa Vanderpump.

In honor of a great mind I'm going to stand and salute where a salute is due, but god dammit I am going to do it on my terms. Maya wouldn't have had it any other way-I'm sure there's a quote about that somewhere, so without further ado, let's talk some of my favorite Maya Angelou moments, which, full disclaimer, I was hardly aware of until she decided it was time for another go at the circle of life.

Here she is in Vogue. I shouldn't have to explain myself.

 I love a great ikat print (you just learned something) and those colors would make my eyes pop.

 This expression is already so fierce, but the jewels really take is up a level. Also, I need that ring more than I need my liver.

All I really have to say about this picture is who the hell is that Sesame Street character? I have never seen that purple-nosed bastard before in my life.

I don't know whether those petals are made out of abalone shells or the bleached fingertips of her enemies, but either way she's serving us some Chanel-status class right here.

 

I feel like if I woke up to this every day, my life couldn't really be that bad. Is that weird? Whatever.

If I made this post more about me than her, then I did the right thing. Maya, I poured out a bottle of Chanel No. 19 for you. Cheers.


Love,
Patty

Met Gala 2014: Lena Dunham, I still don't like you.

Well, the social event of the year has come and gone and now all I have to look forward to in my future is aging gracefully; just kidding, I don't age-I sold my soul to the devil a long time ago to make sure that never happens. Now let's cut the crap and talk fashion. Last night some celebrities showed up dressed as Disney characters, some as tampons, and some shouldn't have even been there to begin with. This post is a long one, so crack open a beer, light up a spliff, and pop your preferred pills because we have a lot to discuss.

Anna Wintour

As always she is wearing Chanel Couture, and while I love Chanel more than my own family, Anna ALWAYS CHOOSES THE WORST DRESSES. It's like she's a topiary constructed from the beaten carcass of a pinata. 

Lupita N'yongo

I'm torn here, like so torn I may need stitches, therapy, and a xanax prescription once this is all done. If you read my Oscars post (if you didn't then what the hell is wrong with you?) you know how much I love Lupita and her fashion choices but this is just...no. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it will be for her to sit down, but whatever, I'm going to let this slide and pretend I didn't see anything. 

Kristen Wiig

Hate the hair and makeup, but let's be real, I would probably wear that...outfit? Yeah, let's just call it an outfit.

Kristen Stewart

She looks like the slutty feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.

Kate Upton

...she looks like a whorish Mary Poppins...which I'm okay with.

Chloe Moretz

Again, it's Chanel, and again I hate it. Seriously, nothing about this is good.

Dakota Johnson

WHY ARE YOU THERE AND I AM NOT? 50 SHADES OF GREY HASN'T EVEN FINISHED FILMING. But you are kind of giving some S&M action with those gloves, so good job sticking with a theme, I guess.

Lea Michelle

Do you think the gold inner tube deflated while she was in the car on the way there?

Elizabeth Olsen

THE WINTER OLYMPICS ALREADY HAPPENED SO WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE MICHELLE KWAN?

Diane Kruger

I know you had to do a double take because you thought that was me, but sadly no. Either way she is so far the only one pulling off Chanel couture this evening...WHICH SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT SINCE THE DRESS COST SIX FIGURES.

Solange Knowles

Why did you think this looked good? Seriously, who told you it was okay to wear that? Do what I did to my boss and FIRE THEM.

Sarah Jessica Parker

I have no words.

Kendall Jenner

I'm not gonna beat around the bush: this is just stupid. The post-coital mermaid hair, the weird boob flaps, the general shape...just stop. Also I'm pretty sure it's from Topshop which is almost as bad as wearing Tommy Hilfiger at the Met.

Katie Holmes

I don't doubt for one second that she took one of Suri's dress up clothes and had it made in her size. She looks like a Disney princess who never heard of this great thing called an iron...wielded by a maid, of course.

Olivia Munn

I've heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan-and I didn't like any of it.

Mary-Kate & Ashley

I honestly think they are just fucking with us now.

Gisele

I don't think I've ever disliked her more than right now, and I'm 99% certain it has something to do with that pose.

Sarah Silverman

Never in a million years did I expect SS to clean up so damn well. I'm going to call it right now, she's on the shortlist for best dressed of the evening.

Sarah Paulson

Excuse her, she didn't have time to change. She LITERALLY just flew in from the Emerald City. But whatever, at least she continues to defy the lesbians-in-suits-and-flats trend, which otherwise dominates that circle of life.

Shailene Woodley

OKAY bear with me. I know you aren't expecting this but...I don't actually hate this. In a way I am kind of digging it, but maybe because it is just so bat-shit crazy ugly that in my mind it circled around and become cute again. WHATEVER.

Victoria Beckham

I fucking love Posh, but this is just a total snooze fest. I WANTED YOU IN A BALLGOWN, NOT A TOWEL.

Cara Delevigne

I LOVE THIS-what I don't love is the fact that you and Michelle Rodriguez have gone your separate ways.

Selena Gomez

All I can think about when I see you is the fact that you can't let Justin Bieber go, and for that I judge you more than any clothing choice you make.

Allison Williams

Hate that color on you, but we don't have to talk about it. And stop looking so smug-you could give Christian Bale a run for his hardly-earned money.

Rosie Huntington Whitley

While I'm inclined to give you points for bucking convention and trying something else, in the end you just look so out of place I don't even know what to do with you...besides frown upon you.

Nicole Richie

Fuck. Yes.

Emmy Rossum

I'm actually enjoying this to a certain degree-it's like she is going to a tea party but doesn't know that it will be shroom tea on tap.

Bradley Cooper

HOW DARE YOU show up to the MET GALA looking like Zach Galifianakis? Do you have any idea how few calories every other person there has been living off of, and you show up looking like you've been prepping to play Peter Griffin in the real-life adaptation of Family Guy. No wonder Suki arrived without you.

Anna Kendrick

Big improvement from the Oscars, BIG improvement. 

Karolina Kurkova

It's like she's an origami ballerina and that is just great.

Crissy Tiegen

Just being real girl, you have THE WORST red carpet style I've seen in a long time. You should honestly not go anywhere unless you are wearing a swimsuit. I expected your husband to do better, frankly. See that woman in the printed ballgown behind you? THAT is how you are supposed to dress for this thing, and not like a sea slug.

Rita Ora

You look like a god damn Christmas present. Unless you are hiding a new bag from Saint Laurent for me under your skirts, just stop.

Rachel McAdams

I am so bored by this I could just die. Wake me up when she's gone.

Suki Waterhouse

I don't care for you but I do like this dress. Also, I'm sorry your boyfriend got fat.

Tom Ford

I love you, you sexy bastard.

NPH & David Burka

Normally I don't like to talk smack about the gays, because they will cut you and rub glitter in your wounds-believe me, I know, I've done it-but...THIS IS JUST GOD DAMN STUPID. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED I CAN'T EVEN DEAL. IF I DIDN'T HATE LENA DUNHAM SO MUCH YOU WOULD BOTH BE WORST-DRESSED OF THE EVENING. If I had been there I would have started booing.

Gabrielle Union

Is it event appropriate? Maybe not. Do I like it a whole lot? Yes, yes I do.

Michelle Williams

Understated, and fabulous; perhaps not entirely event appropriate-it's like she'd going to her junior prom-but she still looks good and that's all that matters in life, right?

Janelle Monae

YES YES AND MANY MORE YESSES

Brie Larson

Who...are you? A C3PO impersonator? A backup dancer from Katy Perry's Dark Horse? I don't know.

Margot Robbie

Your dress looks like it was made out of a broken computer from 1997.

Diana Agron

This dress just screams instant regret.

Emma Stone

Honestly, I expected better. It's like you don't even care about my opinion anymore.

Adriana Lima

Honestly, I didn't expect better, and I most certainly didn't get it.

Charlize Theron

LOOK IT'S MEEEEEEE

Anne Hathaway

I HATE that I like this, but I like that I still hate Anne.

Alexa Chung

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.

Lily Allen

Chanel, again, and again, I'm feeling let down. You look like something a hotel maid pushes around on her cart.

Jessica Alba

Your makeup looks like it was the result of a challenge on Ru Paul's drag race. 

Beyonce

I will be the first to admit I don't always *get* Beyonce, but I feel like I have to love her or the Beygency (or the gays) will come after me. But this dress...just no. Just say no. It makes her look huge, and I don't mean in the popularity sense.

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West

Kim actually looks pretty good, but then again this is just such an improvement from last year's Givenchy couch that it hardly even matters. Kanye, we can talk when you stop being a gemini.

Lena Dunham

As per usual I save the worst for last, and as per usual Lena Dunham called dibs on that spot. I just...I...so much hatred. She looks like a five year old whose mom just said "screw it, you can dress yourself for school today." And honestly the dress wouldn't be SO BAD if she wasn't the one wearing it; that seems to happen a lot.

That took WAY to long-they need to start inviting less people to these things-or just start inviting me and I'll learn to deal.

 

Love,
Patty