When I found out Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were going their separate ways I experienced an initial wave of nausea, expelled a single tear, and poured out a bottle of Dom for the relationships of yore. Now, full disclosure: I never cared for Chris Martin. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a
perfectly nice guy, and I'm sure he's a terrific dad, but he wasn't right for Gwyneth and never was. Sure,
he kind of complimented her with his granola-rocker vibe because it gelled
with her health-goddess vibe, but that was about it in my book. And he's
in Coldplay so that is just like minus so many points.
That being said, I was naturally thinking a lot about dear Gwynny-P, but then I saw this:
and things took a turn for the worst.
If you have ever talked/hung out/worked/drank/smoked/made out/dieted/spent two weeks in an ashram in Thailand/shopped/hiked/played badminton/had a threesome with Mads Mikkelsen and Chelsea Handler/been friends with me, then you know that I love GOOP almost as much as I love myself. I admit, however, that it is difficult to differentiate my love between GOOP and Gwyneth. My love for Gwyneth is aspirational: I want to be her because Iknow I never will be (god that was hard to say). I comfort myself with the fact that I'm actually Charlize Theron with just a hint of Oscar Wilde. Right? Crazy, I know, but so true.
It's the most perfect mix of beauty, wonder, and batshit crazy that I have ever seen. It is the only place where I could find a much needed $495.00 malachite box to hold my demons, or read about olive oil without feeling fat, or discover the perfect organic sushi restaurant to go to the next time I'm in Marrakech. It nourishes me.
That time of year is upon us. We've opened our presents, said thank you to santa and zombie jesus, taken shrooms with out moms, and had a lovely holiday season. But it's not over yet-no, not yet. SO CLOSE, but still there is the inevitable NEW YEARS EVE. We have to think "what have I done this year? What have I achieved? I don't know, I was high for a lot of it. Isn't that right, Helen?"
"That's right, Patty."
"What have you done this year, Helen?"
"Well, I didn't kill anyone and committed very little theft, so it was a really good year."
"I'm so glad to hear it, Helen."
"I did do some messed up shit though; I almost drowned a cat and-"
"No one wants to hear it, Helen."
With no further adieu, or whatever, here are my resolutions for 2014. I hope you learned a lot in 2013. I sure did.
Divine my Spirit Animal.
Is it a cat? Is it a fox? A swan? Kate Moss's left boob? I don't know but I would like to figure it out.
Learn To Photosynthesize
I'm trying to get closer to nature and lower my calorie intake at the same time. If I can figure out how to absorb sunlight for sustenance that would make cutting out gluten so much easier.
Meet a Princess
In 2013 I met my first Duke, so in 2014 I've decided I'm going to meet my first Princess. I've set the bar low though and decided she doesn't need to have been born to royalty; I'll accept a commoner. I'm looking at you, Charlene.
Drink 5 Scorpion Bowls in 1 Night
In loving memory of Tiki Bar.
Rap Battle
I actually would be horrible at this, and I freely admit it, but it would be a broadening experience.
Get Wasted with Kris Jenner
This honestly doesn't seem like it would be that difficult to arrange.
Go To Malta
This is a thing and it is going to happen.
Meet Carmen Sandiego
She's such a style inspiration; I'd wear everything she does but in black. I like my clothes like I like my soul: black.
Buy this Saint Laurent Ermine Coat
I don't give two shits that it's $50,000.
Figure out why Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom just couldn't make it work.
This was a real tragedy.
Have an intervention for Miley
It's time.
Have a Japanese Tea Ceremony with Lorde, David Bowie and Tilda Swinton
The kimonos would be FIERCE
Drink the same amount of alcohol.
I'm satisfied with how I did in 2013.
Never get tricked into going to Marquee again
This isn't high school.
Hike the Appalachian Trail
At least part of it. That's a lot of redneck territory to take in at once.
Learn Korean
It's going to be useful. WWIII is just around the corner...
Become Friends with a Goat
Again, broadening. And they can function as lawnmowers.
Be More Like Gwyneth
No apologies.
Get nominated for something.
I don't care what as long as it is televised and I can wear Dior.
Happy 2014! Stay young and skinny! Or whatever, I really don't care, just avoid AA.
Like every other American, this is the one day a year I take to actually stop and think about how lucky I am. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, like the fact that the guy from blue collar comedy didn't win Dancing With The Stars, or that Gossip Girl is no longer on the air (seriously I don't think anyone could handle another season of that. And what the hell about Dan actually being Gossip Girl? Like wtf? this some Rocky Horror bullshit). Here's what I'm thankful for this year, and you should be too:
NyQuil
For keeping me KO'd when I need it.
Kale
For giving me a false sense of superiority over other people.
Princess Charlene's Regret
For reminding us that for every Kate Middleton, there's another princess dying on the inside day by day. STAY STRONG CHARLENE.
Karl Lagerfeld
For being so demure.
That Acid Trip from 2011
I don't remember it that well, but I did meet the Care Bears and that was pretty cool.
My Many Au Pair's
For teaching me to never do something for myself when I can pay someone else to do it for me.
Jupiter in the 10th House
For basically guaranteeing that I'm going to be famous.
Eye Drops
For letting me be stoned in public since 2007.
Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape
Without it we wouldn't have 75% of today's pop culture.
My Middle Finger
It got a lot of use in 2013.
Tequila
For being fun.
The Spice Girls
For teaching me about feminism in the 90s.
Prince Carl Philip of Sweden
For those amazing three hours we spent in the back of his Jaguar.
My Native American Blood.
For giving me something to bitch about today.
Gwyneth Paltrow
For guiding me through the dark times. Thank you for everything, Gwyneth.
God that was EXHAUSTING.
Alright I'm going to go eye the food preparations with a mix of apprehension and distrust.
You guys. You guys. Seriously. You guys. I know you think your lives are important but something MAJOR has been going on while you have been busy "working" or "living" or whatever it is that you do...GWYNETH IS ON INSTAGRAM.
Of course her first picture is a selfie with Jason Wu. Judging from Gwyneth's tousled locks and dopamine-filled expression, I'd say it looks as though they just had some rough afternoon sex because what else are you going to do between 2-4pm while you wait for happy hour to start.
I think the most inspirational thing about this is the copyright insignia in the corner, because you never know who might be trying to regram without giving proper credit. Way to connect with the plebes, GooP.
"I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year"
And we never would ask you to, Gwyn. Never change.
Okay now I have to go back to getting my Paris roundups ready for you poor bitches.
So you may have read somewhere recently that Tory Burch is now worth a cool billion, or perhaps I just made that up, but either way the woman's bank account is pretty healthy. Like Gwyneth healthy. But it's probably going to go all Shallow Hal on us now that Tory Burch is launching a new beauty collection. For those of you who aren't aware most brands really make their money off of beauty and fragrance lines, as those are the easiest for consumers across the board to afford. My head isn't just a hat rack, people.
Left: Tory's wallet before the launch. Right: Tory's wallet one month after.
It'll be a capsule collection of preppy basics-what? From Tory Burch? Shocking, I know. Either way the point to take away from this is to invest in Tory Burch NOW because you can bet this venture is going to cause the value of her company to sky rocket.
The line will be available for pre-sale 9/6/13, and be available in stores starting on the 26th. Although I haven't seen any prices anywhere I'm going to go out on a limb and guestimate the collection will range from $25-$70. Well played Tory, well played. I know you'll be laughing your tanned ass off all the way to the bank.
Oh and I cannot get over this look. Gwyn, I think you're the cat's pajamas or whatever, but I literally spit beer out of my mouth when I saw this blouse:
