Grab Life By The Globes

Oh my god. So much happened at the Golden Globes that my head is still having difficulty processing it all.  Uma Thurman and I sat together and stared daggers at Zoe Saldana's dress, I did shots with P. Diddy in the bathroom (this was right before the Let It Floooooooow moment) and the whole time I just wanted Jennifer Lawrence to trip and fall in her Dior and start making it a thing that she just does whenever she gets an award.

While I could talk about how much shade Gwyneth was throwing (love you, Goopy) or about how happy I was that Anne Hathaway and her nipples weren't present, I'm going to talk about the only thing that really matters when it comes to award shows: the clothes.

AND THEY'RE OFF

Uma Thurman

See, this is hard for me because out of any celebrity Uma and I have the most similar birth charts, so I like to always think that we would make very similar choices (hello, can't you just picture me in Kill Bill?) and while she did do a very Patty thing and wear black, I just can't quite...eh...

Actually no, I would totally wear this. 

Taylor Swift

Shut up. No one cares you cut your hair. There's a special place in hell for women like you.

Amber Heard

 

I love everything about this except for one thing: that damn pelvic crease. It makes her look like a mannequin and that's where the top half and the bottom half are connected. You could swivel her torso like a barbie. But other than that FLAWLESS.

Cate Blanchett

She won for starring in a movie that was essentially based on me and a bender from 2009. She wins everything, every time.

Minnie Driver

I love this I just hate her Michael Jackson hair. Also-and I mean this in a totally non bitchy way-but her face is so angular you could probably draw a pentagram on it. Love you, Minnie!

Heidi Klum

I'm conflicted because part of me loves this whorey-Spaniard lady pimp look, but part of me also knows that it's been ten years since 2004.

Julie Bowen

At first I didn't care for this, but it's growing on me. Granted the color scheme is a little too Gucci S/S '07, but I'm willing to look beyond that and just appreciate the fact that she looks super skinny.

Sandra Bullock

I DON'T KNOW. I'M CONFUSED.

 Paula Patton

  Seriously just what the hell? This could have been so sexy if she just didn't have that shamwow ruffle or attempt to look like a tampax commercial. Also when she said that thing about liking strange men? Yeah, no shit, your husband is Robin Thicke and he's a huge perv.

Kate Beckinsale

I love you, you skinny micro chip. 

Helen Mirren

Helen, you flawless minx, you. I will bear your children (aka I will hire a surrogate because ew stretchmarks).

Rashida Jones

Okay I would love this dress if only the golden palm trees were ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the only thing I can think of that would be worst would be a swastika. I just don't get it. Why a god damn palm tree motif? You're like a walking ad for In-N-Out. I love you otherwise, R-dog.

Jessica Chastain

Her dress looks like Madame X by Sargent and it is FABULOUS. Her hair looks like she just had raging sex in her limo on the way to the show which is also FABULOUS.

 Zoe Saldana

At first I just assumed this was Prada because it's so ugly, but it turns out it's Prabal Gurung and that he told poor Zoe that she was the "only one" who could wear it. I wonder what dirt he has on her because there's so much going on here and most of it looks like it came from Michael's.

Emma Roberts

You look good (read: the dress looks good) but you're the reason Jessica Lange lost.

Julia Roberts

 I'm really not down with this whole Carolina Herrera/Evening gown hybrid. It's like she is an executive who just came from a board meeting and had to change in the limo and forgot to take off her shirt before putting on her dress. It's very Martha Stewart, but it's not a good thing.

Kaley Cuoco

I don't know if I'm missing a chromosome or I mixed up my pills, but I actually kind of like this. It's like she's an Impressionist painter's pirate mistress. DREAM JOB.

Sofia Vergara

Her skirts double as a feather duster/vacuum combo. If you had been there you would have realized they emitted a low whirring noise wherever she went.

J.Law

J. LAW. WHAT HAPPENED? The haircut was already such a kick in the pants and now this? It looks like Dior ran out of fabric and decided to just make your dress with Charmin tp and jumper cables. I get that you're the face of CD but you can say no sometimes.

 Reese Witherspoon

 I just have one question and one question only: did you buy this dress at Lululemon?

Emma Thompson

Is she aging in reverse? Yes. Is she the baddest bitch ever? Yes. Is she smarter than you? Yes. Is she smarter than me? Maybe.

Gabourey Sidibe

She looks flawless and any haters can kiss my big black soul. 

Robin Wright

 This is how one does class. Absorb it like a plant absorbs sunlight or my liver absorbs alcohol.

Sarah Paulson

Once again proving that not every lesbian has to wear a tux to these things *coughJanecoughEllen*.

Jacqueline Bisset

Dear Jackie, thank you for setting the tone for the evening with your incredibly slow walking and your batshit harvest eve dress. I love you.

Drew Barrymore

You look like a Valentine's day card made by a room full of gay first grade boys. Chic.

Naomi Watts

Can we all finally agree that sideboob is over? Even that bitch in blue next to you is like "seriously, another tit?" Yes. Another tit.

Lena Dunham

You are my worst nightmare. I am yours. This is a symbiotic relationship that will last until one of us is proclaimed the victor, like the eagle continually gorging away at Perseus's innards. Oh, wait, you just LOST. You look like a banana who forgot their pajamas which, really, would have been an improvement on THIS.

And...for the best look of the evening....

JARED LETO'S HAIR

I'm so doing this once mine is grown out.

Okay from now on they need to invite less people to these things because that just took way too long and now I need a drink...another drink.

See you all in hell!

Love,

Patty

Les Bien-Aimes or Beloved OR French people can get away with anything.

Earlier this week my body succumbed to a bout of illness. Don't freak out, everything is fine now and I'm alive, so no need to contemplate a world without Patty. That being said I didn't leave my loft much and ergo had time to go through my Netflix queu and catch up on what I'd been missing, namely this masterpiece:

This movie is the most stylish thing to come out of France since Catherine Deneuve came out of the womb with a full head of side-swept luxurious locks and a cigarette dangling from her lips.

Catherine Deneuve's younger self, played by bottle blond Ludivine Sagnier, become a hooker on the side in order to pay for her growing Roger Vivier habit...totally understandable.

She "falls in love" with a Czech doctor...

 

They have a lot of sex...

And then they have a kid, because that's something that happens to straight people.

Move forward twenty years and that Charlotte Gainsbourg knock-off has become Chiara Mastroianni, who is actually Catherine Deneuve's daughter IRL, btw.

Chiara Mastroianni falls in love with a gay Paul Schneider. We've all been there, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

And then they sing about it because it's a weird gay-ish romance.

And she also does the kind of choreographed bar dance that only French women can pull off...and me when the moon is illuminating my fifth house.

The clothes are amazing and enough to make one want to go retro for the day and actually consider wearing a polyester blend. Okay, not really. 

There's also a bunch of old people having sex, which normally isn't my thing but the French just make it work. I guess when it comes to Catherine Deneuve it doesn't really matter what she's doing as long as we get to watch her do it.

I'm not going to tell you any more because I don't feel like typing, so just take my word that this movie is gorgeous, chic, depressing, erotic, AND includes some great musical numbers that, again, only the French can pull off because they can say the most banal things while still being chic. Watch the trailer here if you still aren't convinced:

Oh and on a totally random side note I found Clay Aiken's OkCupid profile this morning, so there's something.


Love,
Patty

Gwyneth Paltrow's Most Obnoxious Food Quotes

Go read this right now at The Savory. It's bliss.

Oh and I cannot get over this look. Gwyn, I think you're the cat's pajamas or whatever, but I literally spit beer out of my mouth when I saw this blouse:

I hope you burned it.


Love,
Patty

D.L. Eyewear

Today marks the launch of the website for D.L. Eyewear, the product of Dan Levy, television personality and son of comic actor Eugene Levy. Dan has flirted with the fashion industry for years, not least because of his great style (jump over to The Covetuer to see their terrific photos of his closet) and eyewear is the perfect field for him to start out in, as the man can, and always does, rock a great pair of glasses, looking extremely handsome as he does so.

I popped over the website to check out the styles and fell in love with their classic, sleek designs. A few I'll be trying to pick up soon...

The Whitehall frames. So incredibly classic; think Cary Grant with Audrey Hepburn in Charade.

 

 The McKenzie. Get me a vespa (but really please don't) and I'm in Italy.

The Cluny. Perfect for traipsing around Monte Carlo this summer.

All frames are available in both optical and sunglass format, so you can get great style no matter what your situation. The glasses are all priced at $95.00 CAD, which works out to about $90.00 USD, so you're definitely getting a lot of bang for your buck. Unfortunately they aren't yet carried in any stores here in the U.S. but I'm hoping for progress. In the meantime you can still buy them online, just in time for summer!

Love,
Patty

All photos courtesy of dleyewear.com

Band of Outsiders Men's Spring 2014

Alright, normally their clothes aren't quite what draws my attention-I'm more of a Balmain, Balenciaga, Ann Demeulemeester boy, but for Spring 2014 Band of Outsiders pulled out some pretty good stops, enough so to make me brake for squirrels, or whatever. Maybe it was just the casting of Devendra Banhart as their mannequin-which was GENIUS-but either way I was definitely thrown by the great casual mix of elegant and beachy.
It made me want to be a skater in LA in the 90s, which is something I would NEVER want...so way to go BOO.

That moment after a homeless guy flashes you and you realize it isn't his junk he's showing you but actually his awesome seafoam chinos.

White with a black collar? Tres chic. Although that circle window makes it look like he's on a cruise.

Now wave goodbye to your friends as you board said cruise, in an amazing camel jacket. But seriously don't go on a cruise; they're creepy. Have you seen Ghost Ship?

I love it when men wear a topcoat. You can't beat it. Just wear it like you're Kate Moss and it's a fabulous Fendi fur.

Love,

Patty

All photos courtesy of style.com