Moving Apartments Is For Objectifying Turkish Oil Wrestlers

I know I still haven't finished telling you all about the couture and the places I am now banned from in Paris, but I returned to the states earlier this week (I got a full police escort to Charles de Gaulle Airport...what with being forcibly deported and all) and have had to deal with moving apartments which is just so middle class.

The effects of moving on otherwise sane people.

 

Of course I'm not really doing any of the work; I hired a bunch of burly Turkish oil wrestlers to do it while I sit on my couch drinking pinot grigio straight from the bottle. Basically I watch them bending over time and time again, their muscles bulging and...well, it's been a surprisingly relaxing experience. There was one awkward moment when they accidentally broke a 1,500 year old Ming vase that mom bought me for an ash tray, but these things happen. Plus I got a free slave out of it for the next six months.

I gave them a lot of breaks because I'm a nice employer like that; the only caveat was that they had to be shirtless. The whole time.

In the meanwhile here are some things I've been thinking/doing/watching/listening/reading/loving this week:

Jared Leto's hair.

That basically sums it up.

TTYL bitches,

Love,

Patty

Couture: It's Not for Plebians. Part 1.

I'm in Paris camped out at the Hotel de Crillon with my European partner-in-crime, Contessa Emilia Aurelia Keith Rose von Aldenshtier (her father owns more Rothko's than you have hair follicles, just FYI) for the couture shows. Between her poking Andre Leon Tally's eye out with her giant Saint Laurent hat, me beating the crap out of a paparazzi with my Rick Owens boots, and us flicking lit cigarettes at Anna Della Russo (SHE WOULD NOT MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY) it's been a hoot and a half. I was a little upset when Karl chose Cara Delevigne instead of me to close the Chanel show but then he promised I could do it next time so I guess I'll survive.

The couture shows are the most important time of the fashion year because they reminds us that no matter how much you work for it you will probably never be able to afford anything you see here (I'm talking to the plebes when I say this) but that's the whole point of fashion: it's aspirational. It's also hyped up on a lot of narcotics, so I fit right in. That being said I've already placed my orders with all the ateliers; wanna see what I'm planning on buying? Note that most of these are dresses so I'm not buying them to wear, just to look at-sort of like a less creepy Hannibal I guess? My closet has been feeling a little drab lately so I needed something to decorate it with, and what better than $5,000,000.00 worth of silks and sequins? It was also a great opportunity to pick out gowns for my future bridesmaids, so there's something.

Valentino

I loved this because it feels like an understated Bjork Oscar gown, and, really, what is chicer than that?

I didn't eat anything at Thanksgiving (or any other day, for that matter) but I did save the feathers from the turkey-which my brother killed with a bow & arrow-and look how nicely Valentino repurposed them!

If I was ever going to be in The Lion King on Broadway this is what I would wear. I don't give two shits what the costume designer has to say about it.

Elie Saab

 I love this for the better-late-than-never bride; you could be more knocked up than Kim Kardashian and still hide your baby weight.

 I would wear this like my friend George wears his 6-inch Louboutins: strictly in the privacy of my boudoir.

This is what my bridesmaids will wear if I get married in the woods, a gothic cathedral, or the basement of Marilyn Manson's house.

Maison Martin Margiela

 Don't you dare look me in the eyes, peasant, LOOK ME IN THE ARMS.

I'm buying one for each of my girlfriends for *that* time of the month. Mask included.

I have nothing to say. Nothing.


Alexis Mabille

 Is it a butterfly? Is it her abs? I don't care because she looks skinny.

 Picture this coat. Now picture is set on fire. CHIC.

Obsessed with this crotch ruffle.

Okay, Emilia and I have to go meet Valérie Trierweiler & Charlotte Rampling for tea at the Palais-Royale. I'll post the rest of my shopping spree later.

Bite me.

Love,
Patty

Haider Ackermann Men's Spring 2014

When I saw Haider Ackermann was back on the calendar for Men's Fashion Week I took a celebratory shot. Haider is one of my favorite designers and after his absence from MFW for three years now (his last men's collection was for Spring 2011) I have been missing his work terribly, and had to fill the void with pictures of Tilda Swinton rocking his clothes to the umpteenth degree.
Should I have been worried about him finally reentering the menswear arena? After such a long time away from the runway his tailoring might be rusty...BUT NOPE. He knocked it out of the park and delivered a gorgeous collection in a mix of rusty pastels and shimmering black which I will be coveting until they hit the racks at Barney's.

 These. Pants. I. Must. Have. Them.

 Loving the tonality of these lilac trousers, and those shoes are perfection.

 Just think about all you could hide in that coat. ALT must be dying right now.

 Normally I'm not one for vests, but I'll make an exception, least because I look smashing in green.

 Everything. I want everything. It's like Crouching Tiger Hidden Style Icon.

 This suit with nothing underneath? Tres Tina Chow=Tres chic.

I'm done.

Love,
Patty

All photos courtesy of style.com

Balenciaga Men's Spring 2014

Since Alexander Wang premiered his first collection for Balenciaga back in Paris Fashion Week this spring, I've been waiting eagerly to see what he offered up for his first men's collection, and he certainly delivered.
Verdict? Perfectly modern, as though Star Wars and Barney's had an incredibly chic baby.

 The safety pin closure is a nice punkish touch on an otherwise very elegant jacket. It would be appropriate to wear when receiving your medal for heroism from Princess Leia.

 Can somebody say texture? I've been ogling that overcoat all day...need it in my life, you know, for when I'm battling the dark side with my lightsaber.

The tonal effect here is incredible, not too much but just enough. I would wear this at that weird jazz club on Tatooine. You know, if I ever decide to go. I heard their tequila selection is pretty limited.

Head over to style.com to see the rest of the collection.

Love,

Patty

All photos courtesy of style.com