Poorly Dressed Little Liars

The People's Choice Awards (I still can't believe those are a thing) kicked off award season last night and I couldn't be more thrilled because it means that we are about to be deluged with an endless supply of red carpet pictures of celebrities, people who think they are celebrities, and people who just sleep with celebrities, all posing awkwardly and hating each other with a smile on their face and a pharmaceutical cocktail in their system.

Now, the PCA's are not the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, etc. They are fringe territory awkwardly balancing on the tip of award season like a angel dancing on the head of a crystal meth-studded pin. I think the major problem with this year's People's Choice Awards was that none of the attendees could remember their own age. Seriously, it was like they all had collective amnesia, or were going through some Freaky Friday shit because they pissed off their stylist-WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO. In the hierarchy of non-household staff the stylist ranks number 2 (just after the ghost writer you hired to help with your memoir) and should never be disrespected because they will RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Sandra Bullock

 

I get that forty is the new twenty and that thirty is now just two hot fifteen year old's, but fifty is still fifty and this dress is still making me mad.


Jennifer Hudson

J. Hud. I get it, you're a great girl and I totally love that you bought your assistant a house for Christmas (I got mine a yacht) but I'm going to have to use my least favorite word in the dictionary to describe this dress. Cheap. It looks like "you" found it balled up on the floor of a Forever21 changing room and were just like "screw the Valentino, this will do". Two other things: take off that damn watch, this isn't high school biology class, and also why are your toes like that? That just looks uncomfortable.

Anna Faris

Girlfriend, I know you aren't aging that great (seriously, sorry about that) but you don't need to remind everyone about your impending wrinkles by dressing like Jane Fonda. This would look amazing on Jane. In fact, she would look younger in this than you do. I'm gonna call her right now.

Kat Dennings

Either hem your skirt or get that weird (or totally genius?) leg-lengthening plastic surgery, because you look like a whorish milk maid. A whorish milk maid in need of an iron and some hem tape.

Jessica Alba

E!, that stunning beacon of disillusion, "loved" this Jason Wu dress. I, on the other hand, do not.

Naya Rivera

If you just cut it off at the waist down I love it, it's when you focus on the upper half of her body that I begin to have questions. Questions such as why do you look like Jennifer Lopez's infomercial peddling sister, or like what's up with that gold collar. Is it attached to the dress? Where is the missing cowbell? I don't know. 

Sarah Bareilles

Like actually this is so upsetting to me. It's just awful.  I have so many negative things to say that I'm just going to take the high road (or low road, depending on what that pill was that I just took) and let this dress/shoes/hair speak for itself. Can you hear it? It's saying HELP ME.

Allison Williams

Another dress that E! liked. I'm beginning to think that E! is entirely staffed by idiots. Also don't the panels in this remind you of pool chairs?

Nina Dobrev

I just can't stop picturing you showing up to the PCA's and this dress is entirely black, and then at some point someone shoved you into Lady Gaga and the glue keeping all the crystals to her dress hadn't dried and you came away looking like Rihanna had rolled you into a diamond blunt.

 Malin Ackerman

I can't believe I'm saying this, but look at her boobs. Don't they look a little...off? Between letting a kindergarten class scribble all over her dress and then giving them safety scissors to create that cleavage harness I just don't know what to think.

Melissa Joan Hart

MJH. I already didn't like you since Sabrina went off the air, but I had for the most part forgotten about you so it wasn't really an issue. Until now, now we have an issue.

Ashley Rickards

Who let you out of the hospital without taking off your body cast? Also take off those damn nude pumps. You aren't Kate Middleton.

Olga Fonda

Once I realized you weren't related to Jane I gave up all hope. Also why is there gravel on your boobs?

Allison Janney

I'm not here to criticize, if anything I'm here to be a support system, like spanx (ew) or xanax (yay). So take this in like a xanax and let the effortless chic do for you what Barney's does for me on a regular basis.

Melissa Rauch

I don't know who you are but I do know that women of a certain age shouldn't wear bangs. Also I'm just so confused about your dress. You know what this reminds me of?

 Enough said.

 Adelaide Kane

I'm gonna let you have this because I'm obsessed with that historical shitshow you star in, but I almost didn't. Almost. Now get out of here before I track you down and start forcibly applying more lace appliques to your dress.

God that was exhausting. I'm going back to bed.

Cheers!

Love,

Patty

Let's Talk About It

It's been a few days since the ball dropped (haha ball drop) and I've finally ceased my celebrations and sobered up (sort of). That is because I believe that New Year's is like Miley's birthday: it cannot be contained into just ONE day. It needs its proper due, and that kind of constant alcohol consumption should really be spaced out over a week.

Naturally I don't remember everything that happened (I mean, I can't even remember stuff that happened when I'm sober so...) but here is some of the stuff that I DO remember:

I got asked out by a Hasidic Jewish man on the street. 

Welcome to Brooklyn. In the adventurous spirit of the new year I gave him my number. And then refused to answer his calls.

I won a dance contest against an angry Pygmie. 

She might not have been a pygmie, she was just short, extremely rude, and in really bad lighting. 

I ate Jellyfish for the first time. It was disgusting.

 It was, besides alcohol, my first-and hopefully only-calorie of 2014. 

I took a round of shots with Marc Jacobs, Meryl Streep, and Nora Ephron's ghost.

That was fun.

I sang karaoke with Bjork

We killed Welcome To The Jungle.

I sent Heather Locklear an apology bouquet.

Little does she know the "water" is actually cat pee.

Commandeered a Party Bus from Charlie Sheen

And turned it into a "Patty Bus" by making black skinny jeans and boots a requirement for entry.  The only drink available was Patron. I think I saw Helen there.

I stole the Declaration of Independence.

Screw you Nicholas Cage, I don't care that you did it first. 

I called the cops on Kylie Jenner

Girl has got to stop drinking and driving.

My landlord got murdered.

I kind of want to solve the case. I've already planned out my detective outfit.

Most of that was true.


Cheers!


Love,
Patty

Out With the Old, In With The More Expensive

That time of year is upon us. We've opened our presents, said thank you to santa and zombie jesus, taken shrooms with out moms, and had a lovely holiday season. But it's not over yet-no, not yet. SO CLOSE, but still there is the inevitable NEW YEARS EVE. We have to think "what have I done this year? What have I achieved? I don't know, I was high for a lot of it. Isn't that right, Helen?"

"That's right, Patty."

"What have you done this year, Helen?"

"Well, I didn't kill anyone and committed very little theft, so it was a really good year."

"I'm so glad to hear it, Helen."

"I did do some messed up shit though; I almost drowned a cat and-"

"No one wants to hear it, Helen."

With no further adieu, or whatever, here are my resolutions for 2014. I hope you learned a lot in 2013. I sure did.

Divine my Spirit Animal.

Is it a cat? Is it a fox? A swan? Kate Moss's left boob? I don't know but I would like to figure it out.

Learn To Photosynthesize

I'm trying to get closer to nature and lower my calorie intake at the same time. If I can figure out how to absorb sunlight for sustenance that would make cutting out gluten so much easier.

Meet a Princess

In 2013 I met my first Duke, so in 2014 I've decided I'm going to meet my first Princess. I've set the bar low though and decided she doesn't need to have been born to royalty; I'll accept a commoner. I'm looking at you, Charlene.

Drink 5 Scorpion Bowls in 1 Night

In loving memory of Tiki Bar.

Rap Battle

I actually would be horrible at this, and I freely admit it, but it would be a broadening experience. 

Get Wasted with Kris Jenner

 

This honestly doesn't seem like it would be that difficult to arrange.

Go To Malta

This is a thing and it is going to happen.

Meet Carmen Sandiego

She's such a style inspiration; I'd wear everything she does but in black. I like my clothes like I like my soul: black.

Buy this Saint Laurent Ermine Coat

I don't give two shits that it's $50,000.

Figure out why Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom just couldn't make it work.

This was a real tragedy.

Have an intervention for Miley

It's time.

Have a Japanese Tea Ceremony with Lorde, David Bowie and Tilda Swinton

The kimonos would be FIERCE

Drink the same amount of alcohol.

I'm satisfied with how I did in 2013.

Never get tricked into going to Marquee again

This isn't high school.

Hike the Appalachian Trail

At least part of it. That's a lot of redneck territory to take in at once.

Learn Korean

It's going to be useful. WWIII is just around the corner...

Become Friends with a Goat

Again, broadening. And they can function as lawnmowers.

Be More Like Gwyneth

No apologies.

Get nominated for something.

I don't care what as long as it is televised and I can wear Dior.

Happy 2014! Stay young and skinny! Or whatever, I really don't care, just avoid AA.

Cheers!

Love,

Patty

Now get out.

So Ugly They Should Be At MOMA

It's Wednesday and I'm feeling extremely conflicted. Not because I can't decide which pair of sunglasses to wear when/if I leave the house today or because Tom Daley finally came out but apparently is already having a May-December romance with the guy who wrote Milk so ugh (also that's so gay). No, it's because of Solange Knowles. You love Solange. I love Solange. I've loved her ever since the time we shared a cab with Rita Ora to JFK the morning after Beyonce's baby shower (god it feels like forever ago) but WHY SOLANGE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THIS?

 

These are so ugly they could be an installation at MOMA.

 

I get that fashion is returning to the funkitude of the 90s, lord knows I love ripped jeans and underage Kate Moss, but there are certain things that, like a zombie, were meant to stay dead and never be resurrected but then oh whoops fuck the world they're back. Solange has paired up with Puma to design a line of sneakers apparently inspired by Brazil (sorry Brazil) but more or less look like she found them at Goodwill where they had been kicking it (get it?) for the last fifteen years. And then she did some ecstasy. 

 It's like something Courtney Love puked up.

 Don't these just scream Angelica Pickles/crack to you?

I'm just too confused by the scalloped detail to have an opinion on this. Wait, no, it's still ugly.

 

These are going to be on the feet of every whorey go-go boy at next years Pride.

If I see any of you wearing these I'm never speaking to you again.


Love,
Patty