St. Patty's Guide to St. Paddy's Day

This morning while I was walking Candy Bergen on her leash through the East Village I was rather perturbed by the amount of people I saw out and about celebrating the "holiday" (I still don't know if anything to come out of Ireland really deserves an actual holiday). Everywhere I looked there were average looking girls in that painfully unflattering shade of kelly green with shamrock stickers on their cheeks (both kinds) and men of average height in American Eangle denim (gag) with Guinness Suessical hats on their heads. It was a total nightmare. I had to run all the way to the Chanel store in Soho and buy something just to feel good about myself again.

Now, you're probably like "Patty, WTF? You drink like Elton John in the 80s and you love anything that you can even remotely make about yourself", which is indeed true, but let me say this: in the immortal words of Karen Walker "I don't drink on holidays, that's for amateurs." Truer words have never been spoken.

Any other day of the year I will take up this cause, but not today.

Instead of being average, here are some other ways to celebrate the holiday.

Smoke Weed

It's green, calorie free, and won't make you puke on the sidewalk and then go right back to singing Thrift Shop like I saw Latoya Jackson doing on the corner of 7th & Avenue B a few hours ago. 

Buy A Snakeskin Accessory

According to legend St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland (they probably thanked him for it later) so celebrate his victory with a little snake of your own. I'm loving this Givenchy clutch courtesy of Barneys. 

Never Eat Potatoes Again (or anything for that matter)

If the Irish ate them then you know they aren't chic, and besides how skinny do you think those people got when they stopped eating them during that whole "famine" thing? Lose the carbs, lose the chunky thighs.

Watch Anything With Anjelica Houston

She is probably the only Irish thing worth really celebrating. If Diana Vreeland loved her you should too.

Watch River Dancing on Mushrooms

Trust me.

Become An Immigrant

But a chic one; wear only Ann Demulemeester and lose ten pounds. Also please don't come to New York City unless you can walk fast on the sidewalk and leave me alone in general.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to glazing these 8,000 donuts I'm sending to my boy Rob Kardashian for his birthday.


Love,
Patty

I'm Right 99% of 25% of the Time

I've been thinking about Jared Leto's hair a lot lately. In fact, I probably spend at least fifteen percent of my day thinking about it. It has managed to do what no Gisele or Olsen could do and given ombre a second life. Let's face it, before this award season and the man bun and all that chic Jesus glory, ombre was basically on the out. But now because of THIS:

It's back in.

Here is a list of other things that are in and out for Spring 2014. Enjoy:

IN

Being 27
2015
Ghesquiere at Louis Vuitton
Swiss Chard
Exuberance
Marianne Faithfull
Multiple Personality Disorder
Mary J. Blige
French New Wave Everything
Emotions
Drunk Animals
Reincarnation
Aquariums
Egg Whites
Drinking on Government Property
Malachite
Playboy
Yearning
Steve Jobs' Ghost
New Mexico
Malta
Having a Pregnant Friend
Rehab 
Milk Baths
NeNe Leakes
Jared Leto's Hair
Remembering Virgin Records
Mangos
Summering in Toulouse
3D Printed Anything
Owning Property in the MidWest
Melted Candles

OUT

Dave Matthews
Dave Matthews Band
Being 20
2014
OCD
The South
Children
Jane Austen 
Red Pasta Sauce
40s Chic
Anything from the year 1983
Nicki Minaj
Katy Perry
Justin Bieber
Water Parks
Colorblocking
Sambuca
Feeling Guilty
Russia
Le Bain
Pennies
Marquee
Pippa Middleton
Mark Zuckerberg
All of the people working at E!
Arizona
Ironic Food
Tweking
Marriage
Normcore
CrossFit
Raves


I'm going to get back to growing my hair out now; I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Kthnxby


Love,
Patty

Oscar Fashion 2014: Tripping With J.Law

I don't post during Mercury Retrograde-in fact I try not to do anything during Mercury Retrograde. I prefer to hibernate in my room curled up under a pile of furs while Marianne Faithfull sits in the corner and sings Witches Song repeatedly and occasionally spritzes me with an alternating blend of Lys Mediterranee by Frederic Malle and Chanel Sycomore. She's also there to make sure none of the candles set anything on fire. I love Edie Sedgwick but there's a limit. 

Anyways Mercury went direct just in time for Marianne to bang the ceremonial gong and wake me from my slumber so that I was ready and drunk and wearing Valentino for the most important night of the year on television: THE OSCARS.

I freaking love the Oscars. I love the winners, I love the losers, I love the clothes, I love the fact that the gift bags are worth more than most people make in a year. I love that they are "#aspirational" and make anyone feel like they can achieve anything, when in reality most of the time they can't. I also love that J.Law pulled a J.Law and tripped over a cone. This just goes to prove the power of The Secret: I put it out into the universe that I wanted to her trip again at an award show because I thought it would be funny. Not only did I get my wish, I got a better wish: her falling in Dior again at the Oscars again. I must be a really good person for such nice things to happen to me.

Speaking of Dior: fashion. (that was the best transition I could come up with on such short notice). Let's cut the crap and talk about what really matters: fashion.

 

Lupita Nyong'o

I cried at how beautiful this was and I don't cry. Do you hear me? Lupita made me feel emotion and I NEVER feel emotion. I also almost NEVER like Prada but I guess it's possible to have a change of heart. Thank you for being my Cindy Loo-Who, Lupiterella. I salute you.

Charlize Theron

 Sometimes I get our identities mixed up and I think I'm Charlize, Charlize is me, and that blue actually is the warmest color. Charlize, you and I both look amazing. Good for you and good for me.

J.Law

As soon as Ellen handed you that pizza I was like "girl is gonna get sauce on her couture." This Dior reminds me of Cruella DeVille's nice, animal friendly, younger sister...or something else that makes more sense.  You also look very...mature. I'll just leave that there for you. Try not to trip over it. 

Penelope Cruz

A lot of dresses got stuck on planes because of the weather in LA (it rained), and I think that's what happened here. Poor Penelope's gown got delayed on Roberto Cavalli's private jet so instead she Macgyver'd one out of a bed sheet. Someone get this woman a badge for crafting. Then get me another drink.

Cate Blanchett

I love this, I love her, I love the fact that her husband is visually a 2, and I love that Sandy Bullock looked pissed when she lost. Congratulations Cate, you tall flute of champagne, you.

Sandy B.

Honestly, I just don't care.

Olivia Wilde

I never thought anyone could look so good pregnant that they would make me want to try getting knocked up. I guess there's a first time for everything. 

Kate Hudson

I can sum up this look in three words: Disco Mummy Goddess. Make of that what you will.

Angelina Jolie

I'm torn because Angie's skin was GLOWING and her hair was shinier than Kate Middleton's, but this dress made her look like she was about to celebrate her 75th birthday. Still, she looks damn good for a septuagenarian.

Amy Adams

I love Nicole Kidma-I mean Amy Adams' dress. I want her to be wielding a riding crop, riding side saddle on Harvey Weinstein, and telling Christian Bale to stop acting so smug.

Kristin Bell

She's like a whorish mermaid bride circa 1899 which normally would be fabulous except for the fact that her hair makes her look so old she may as well have been alive in 1899.

Julia Roberts

You look like the table cloth at a wake.

Anne Hathaway

I just don't like you.

Portia de Rossi

I love this but something is off...I think it's her face.

Anna Kendrick

I don't get it.

Chrissy Tiegan

Just what the fuck. You aren't in 8th grade, lose the damn pink flower petals.

Liza Minelli

I honestly can't put my feelings into words, so like any proper Taurus I'll put them into objects: medication and paintball. Divine that, bitches. Oh and IT'S LIZA WITH A Z.

Jared Leto

I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get another inspiring man bun, because that thing was a game changer, but you still look like the version of Jesus I would worship if I had any inclination to worship anyone or anything besides myself. Also your brother is pants-dropping hot.

And to the most fabulous person of the night:

Judi Dench.

Bitch is too hardcore to even show up. Rock on Judi, rock on. 

Now someone bring me a box of snakes. 

Love,

Patty

p.s. I have no idea why the font is different. That's not on me.

Moving Apartments Is For Objectifying Turkish Oil Wrestlers

I know I still haven't finished telling you all about the couture and the places I am now banned from in Paris, but I returned to the states earlier this week (I got a full police escort to Charles de Gaulle Airport...what with being forcibly deported and all) and have had to deal with moving apartments which is just so middle class.

The effects of moving on otherwise sane people.

 

Of course I'm not really doing any of the work; I hired a bunch of burly Turkish oil wrestlers to do it while I sit on my couch drinking pinot grigio straight from the bottle. Basically I watch them bending over time and time again, their muscles bulging and...well, it's been a surprisingly relaxing experience. There was one awkward moment when they accidentally broke a 1,500 year old Ming vase that mom bought me for an ash tray, but these things happen. Plus I got a free slave out of it for the next six months.

I gave them a lot of breaks because I'm a nice employer like that; the only caveat was that they had to be shirtless. The whole time.

In the meanwhile here are some things I've been thinking/doing/watching/listening/reading/loving this week:

Jared Leto's hair.

That basically sums it up.

TTYL bitches,

Love,

Patty

Couture: It's Not for Plebians. Part 1.

I'm in Paris camped out at the Hotel de Crillon with my European partner-in-crime, Contessa Emilia Aurelia Keith Rose von Aldenshtier (her father owns more Rothko's than you have hair follicles, just FYI) for the couture shows. Between her poking Andre Leon Tally's eye out with her giant Saint Laurent hat, me beating the crap out of a paparazzi with my Rick Owens boots, and us flicking lit cigarettes at Anna Della Russo (SHE WOULD NOT MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY) it's been a hoot and a half. I was a little upset when Karl chose Cara Delevigne instead of me to close the Chanel show but then he promised I could do it next time so I guess I'll survive.

The couture shows are the most important time of the fashion year because they reminds us that no matter how much you work for it you will probably never be able to afford anything you see here (I'm talking to the plebes when I say this) but that's the whole point of fashion: it's aspirational. It's also hyped up on a lot of narcotics, so I fit right in. That being said I've already placed my orders with all the ateliers; wanna see what I'm planning on buying? Note that most of these are dresses so I'm not buying them to wear, just to look at-sort of like a less creepy Hannibal I guess? My closet has been feeling a little drab lately so I needed something to decorate it with, and what better than $5,000,000.00 worth of silks and sequins? It was also a great opportunity to pick out gowns for my future bridesmaids, so there's something.

Valentino

I loved this because it feels like an understated Bjork Oscar gown, and, really, what is chicer than that?

I didn't eat anything at Thanksgiving (or any other day, for that matter) but I did save the feathers from the turkey-which my brother killed with a bow & arrow-and look how nicely Valentino repurposed them!

If I was ever going to be in The Lion King on Broadway this is what I would wear. I don't give two shits what the costume designer has to say about it.

Elie Saab

 I love this for the better-late-than-never bride; you could be more knocked up than Kim Kardashian and still hide your baby weight.

 I would wear this like my friend George wears his 6-inch Louboutins: strictly in the privacy of my boudoir.

This is what my bridesmaids will wear if I get married in the woods, a gothic cathedral, or the basement of Marilyn Manson's house.

Maison Martin Margiela

 Don't you dare look me in the eyes, peasant, LOOK ME IN THE ARMS.

I'm buying one for each of my girlfriends for *that* time of the month. Mask included.

I have nothing to say. Nothing.


Alexis Mabille

 Is it a butterfly? Is it her abs? I don't care because she looks skinny.

 Picture this coat. Now picture is set on fire. CHIC.

Obsessed with this crotch ruffle.

Okay, Emilia and I have to go meet Valérie Trierweiler & Charlotte Rampling for tea at the Palais-Royale. I'll post the rest of my shopping spree later.

Bite me.

Love,
Patty

Grab Life By The Globes

Oh my god. So much happened at the Golden Globes that my head is still having difficulty processing it all.  Uma Thurman and I sat together and stared daggers at Zoe Saldana's dress, I did shots with P. Diddy in the bathroom (this was right before the Let It Floooooooow moment) and the whole time I just wanted Jennifer Lawrence to trip and fall in her Dior and start making it a thing that she just does whenever she gets an award.

While I could talk about how much shade Gwyneth was throwing (love you, Goopy) or about how happy I was that Anne Hathaway and her nipples weren't present, I'm going to talk about the only thing that really matters when it comes to award shows: the clothes.

AND THEY'RE OFF

Uma Thurman

See, this is hard for me because out of any celebrity Uma and I have the most similar birth charts, so I like to always think that we would make very similar choices (hello, can't you just picture me in Kill Bill?) and while she did do a very Patty thing and wear black, I just can't quite...eh...

Actually no, I would totally wear this. 

Taylor Swift

Shut up. No one cares you cut your hair. There's a special place in hell for women like you.

Amber Heard

 

I love everything about this except for one thing: that damn pelvic crease. It makes her look like a mannequin and that's where the top half and the bottom half are connected. You could swivel her torso like a barbie. But other than that FLAWLESS.

Cate Blanchett

She won for starring in a movie that was essentially based on me and a bender from 2009. She wins everything, every time.

Minnie Driver

I love this I just hate her Michael Jackson hair. Also-and I mean this in a totally non bitchy way-but her face is so angular you could probably draw a pentagram on it. Love you, Minnie!

Heidi Klum

I'm conflicted because part of me loves this whorey-Spaniard lady pimp look, but part of me also knows that it's been ten years since 2004.

Julie Bowen

At first I didn't care for this, but it's growing on me. Granted the color scheme is a little too Gucci S/S '07, but I'm willing to look beyond that and just appreciate the fact that she looks super skinny.

Sandra Bullock

I DON'T KNOW. I'M CONFUSED.

 Paula Patton

  Seriously just what the hell? This could have been so sexy if she just didn't have that shamwow ruffle or attempt to look like a tampax commercial. Also when she said that thing about liking strange men? Yeah, no shit, your husband is Robin Thicke and he's a huge perv.

Kate Beckinsale

I love you, you skinny micro chip. 

Helen Mirren

Helen, you flawless minx, you. I will bear your children (aka I will hire a surrogate because ew stretchmarks).

Rashida Jones

Okay I would love this dress if only the golden palm trees were ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the only thing I can think of that would be worst would be a swastika. I just don't get it. Why a god damn palm tree motif? You're like a walking ad for In-N-Out. I love you otherwise, R-dog.

Jessica Chastain

Her dress looks like Madame X by Sargent and it is FABULOUS. Her hair looks like she just had raging sex in her limo on the way to the show which is also FABULOUS.

 Zoe Saldana

At first I just assumed this was Prada because it's so ugly, but it turns out it's Prabal Gurung and that he told poor Zoe that she was the "only one" who could wear it. I wonder what dirt he has on her because there's so much going on here and most of it looks like it came from Michael's.

Emma Roberts

You look good (read: the dress looks good) but you're the reason Jessica Lange lost.

Julia Roberts

 I'm really not down with this whole Carolina Herrera/Evening gown hybrid. It's like she is an executive who just came from a board meeting and had to change in the limo and forgot to take off her shirt before putting on her dress. It's very Martha Stewart, but it's not a good thing.

Kaley Cuoco

I don't know if I'm missing a chromosome or I mixed up my pills, but I actually kind of like this. It's like she's an Impressionist painter's pirate mistress. DREAM JOB.

Sofia Vergara

Her skirts double as a feather duster/vacuum combo. If you had been there you would have realized they emitted a low whirring noise wherever she went.

J.Law

J. LAW. WHAT HAPPENED? The haircut was already such a kick in the pants and now this? It looks like Dior ran out of fabric and decided to just make your dress with Charmin tp and jumper cables. I get that you're the face of CD but you can say no sometimes.

 Reese Witherspoon

 I just have one question and one question only: did you buy this dress at Lululemon?

Emma Thompson

Is she aging in reverse? Yes. Is she the baddest bitch ever? Yes. Is she smarter than you? Yes. Is she smarter than me? Maybe.

Gabourey Sidibe

She looks flawless and any haters can kiss my big black soul. 

Robin Wright

 This is how one does class. Absorb it like a plant absorbs sunlight or my liver absorbs alcohol.

Sarah Paulson

Once again proving that not every lesbian has to wear a tux to these things *coughJanecoughEllen*.

Jacqueline Bisset

Dear Jackie, thank you for setting the tone for the evening with your incredibly slow walking and your batshit harvest eve dress. I love you.

Drew Barrymore

You look like a Valentine's day card made by a room full of gay first grade boys. Chic.

Naomi Watts

Can we all finally agree that sideboob is over? Even that bitch in blue next to you is like "seriously, another tit?" Yes. Another tit.

Lena Dunham

You are my worst nightmare. I am yours. This is a symbiotic relationship that will last until one of us is proclaimed the victor, like the eagle continually gorging away at Perseus's innards. Oh, wait, you just LOST. You look like a banana who forgot their pajamas which, really, would have been an improvement on THIS.

And...for the best look of the evening....

JARED LETO'S HAIR

I'm so doing this once mine is grown out.

Okay from now on they need to invite less people to these things because that just took way too long and now I need a drink...another drink.

See you all in hell!

Love,

Patty