Patty's Favorite Things

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been, and if you haven't been then you're dead to me. My arch-nemesis Heather Locklear roofied me at the Isabel Marant + H&M launch party (I still don't know how she managed to get in) and I woke up in a Thai jail 36 hours later with nothing but a bag of cat tranquilizers she'd planted on me and my Ray-Ban's. Between not having access to GOOP, being the only blond guy and then having the tranqs taken away, things were pretty rough. I spent most of my time astral projecting, or on the phone with my psychic; I was having her channel Robert Kardashian's ghost so that we could work on my defense. If he helped get OJ off then he could definitely get me out of that hell hole.

I also took the time to think about giving, because I'm nice like that. I love giving. It's like losing weight. You feel good about yourself and it's an excuse to go shopping.

Here are some of the things I'll be giving this Holiday season:

Miniature Horses, $750-$1,500

Animals that are just smaller versions of other animals are EVERYTHING. Get one or two or seven and name them after the dwarfs from Snow White.
www.equinenow.com

Chanel Fishing Rod, $18,000

I know that if my grandfather was still alive I'd get this for him. That being said I'll probably just get it for myself.

This 18th Century Chateau, $24,300,000

Think about how weird the parties could get. You would have to put in a pool, though. www.prestigeproperty.co.uk

Vieille Bon Secours Ale, $1200

 

I like to use this specifically for beer pong.

www.thebelgianbeershop.com

Steen Ipsen "Organic 1", Price Upon Request

Don't give it to anyone violent, or to anyone who does a lot of PCP. Do give it to a friend while they are tripping on acid or shrooms.
www.jlohmanngallery.com

Luxury Yacht, $40,000,000

The gift that keeps on giving.

www.burgessyachts.com

Fendi Bag Buggies, $700

 The most useless way to let someone know you care.

www.fendi.com

Alex & Lee Necklace, Price Upon Request

I'd put this in a gift basket along with glow sticks, salvia, and a DVD of Dark Crystal.  

www.alexandlee.com

 A Private Island in Nova Scotia, $86,395

 

For the person in in your life rocking the 21st century Ingmar Bergman vibe.

vladi-private-islands.de

Louis Vuitton Suitcase, $8,400

 Think of all the things you could smuggle in here!

www.louisvuitton.com

A Two-Episode Guest Arc on The Mindy Project, Price Upon Request

The best way to show you care is to help make that person famous.

Visionaire Back Issue, $175-$1500

Nothing is chicer that paying a lot for a little. 

www.visionaireworld.com

I'm giving these all to myself, by the way.

Cheers!


Love,
Patty

Louis Vuitton Gets Saved

I've been hibernating during this Mercury Retrograde period because what else am I going to do but renew the insurance policy on my closet and make sure my chakra's are aligned in preparation for Venus' four month stay in Capricorn starting this week. But even more important, WWD announced today that the rumors are in fact true and that Nicolas Ghesquière will be replacing Marc Jacobs at Louis Vuitton. Thank you Jesus. I haven't purchased Louis Vuitton since 2007 so hopefully Nicolas will inject it with some much needed chicness to lure me back into their stores. To be frank most of Marc Jacobs's shows lately have been more of a bad adderal trip than anything, and I believe Ghesquière is the xanax we need to get back into the light. In anticipation of this holy union let us review some of Ghesquière's best moments from his years at Balenciaga:

 

Moving your arms freely is for commoners.

 

A sumo wrestler would call this a mini dress.

 Don't just dance under a disco ball. BE THE DISCO BALL.

 It looks like she could punch someone with her boob.

If I was in charge of football this is what the players/uniforms would look like.

 

The first full look I ever bought from Balenciaga. I wore it when I went to go visit Martha behind bars; we had so much fun that day.  

 Remember 2007? I can't except for this outfit.

I was at the LA store the same day as Lindsey Lohan back in 2006. She bought the white top from this look and I bought the black. She then asked me if I wanted to go get a drink and I said yes. I introduced her to Sam Ronson that night.

I would wear this almost everyday in Stockholm when I was learning how to build yachts there back in '09, with the white face paint, naturally.

 I got in a bidding war with a Russian Oligarch's wife trying to get the top from this look on ebay. She won it in the end but she also won the clap from her husband so I feel like I actually won.

 I wore this during a very intense vision quest in Croatia when I wanted to get in touch with my inner vigilante.

 Chloë Sevigny and I both showed up to Max Fish on the same night in this. It was so awkward.

 One time I wore this at Cannes and Gerard Depardieu slapped my ass.

 This reminds me that I have to do yoga.

Part 2: A Very Critical (bitchy) Review of Marc Jacobs' time at Louis Vuitton, coming soon!


Love,
Patty


Photos courtesy of style.com

Manboobs and Crotch Shot with Kanye West

Kanye opened his Yeezus tour in Seattle last night, and frankly I couldn't care less, BUT he did get my attention when he managed to grab his crotch so firmly that he in fact ripped his pants:

 

Take as long as you need to let that get firmly stuck in your brain. In the meantime there are a few other things I need to point out to you, dear reader, such as:

1. That epic gorilla titty manboob flapping in the wind.

2. Stomach rolls (seriously, dude, put on a fucking undershirt. No one, not even Kim, wants to see that.)

3. Am I crazy or does it look like he has the smallest feet in the world? Like I don't exactly have canoes for feet but DAMN.

I'm going to ignore the Margiela mask because that is FASHION and because something else very important happened: Kanye communed with Jesus Christ last night.

I can only imagine what they talked about, but I hope Jesus told Kanye what he's been meaning to tell the Christian Right for a long time: shut the fuck up.
Thank you for being such a dickhead, Kanye, and I hope the Jesus-actor felt really bad about himself after this.

And here to cleanse the palate is Martha Stewart dressed up as Glinda the Good Witch/A Pink Dementor. 

Do you feel better? No? Whatever, not my problem.


Love,
Patty

I CAN'T TURN IT OFF: BAKERMAT

You may or may not know this about me but I have something of an affinity for the Dutch. I don't know if it's because I had a dutch au pair growing up or because there's something about wooden shoes that just gets to me or because they were one of the first countries to have legal weed and gay marriage, but either way I'm super down to go frolic with windmills in fields of tulips.

Another great thing the Netherlands gave us? DJ Bakermat. I heard his song Uitzicht for the first time this weekend at a rooftop bar (conveniently located on top of my apartment building) and I haven't been able to stop listening since. I KNOW it's a funny word and I KNOW that this song came out like three months ago but I DON'T CARE because it is AMAZING and you need to listen to it right now and dance out your feelings in some fancy wooden clogs.

Are you dancing yet?


Love,
Patty

Sunday/Funday with Young Karl Lagerfeld

Le sigh. It's Sunday night. The cat's being an asshole, the fire alarm is going off across the street at the Neptune Hotel, I only have one alcoholic cider left, and I ate an extra serving of cheese which I now regret. C'est la vie. Until Mars enters my rising sign of Virgo this week on the 15th I'm allowed to be low energy. Maybe that's what is going on with the government shutdown. Maybe the senate is collectively a Virgo, too.

In the spirit of that-and my hangover from last night which will just not give up-please enjoy these pictures of a young Karl Lagerfeld and remember the days when he and Yves Saint Laurent were in the bitchiest feud ever.

 Here he is telling the model to lose five pounds.

 Working on his fitness.

Having a Baywatch/Sports Illustrated moment. 

 This is a thing.

 Who knew he was such a bear?

From his Mr. Universe audition tape.

 

I really can't form an opinion on this.

 Channeling his inner Dali, or something.

Right before going on stage at the opening performance of the Mikado.

And then there was this super awkward 90s phase...

What a fabulous queen. We salute you, Kaiser Karl.


Love,
Patty

Les Bien-Aimes or Beloved OR French people can get away with anything.

Earlier this week my body succumbed to a bout of illness. Don't freak out, everything is fine now and I'm alive, so no need to contemplate a world without Patty. That being said I didn't leave my loft much and ergo had time to go through my Netflix queu and catch up on what I'd been missing, namely this masterpiece:

This movie is the most stylish thing to come out of France since Catherine Deneuve came out of the womb with a full head of side-swept luxurious locks and a cigarette dangling from her lips.

Catherine Deneuve's younger self, played by bottle blond Ludivine Sagnier, become a hooker on the side in order to pay for her growing Roger Vivier habit...totally understandable.

She "falls in love" with a Czech doctor...

 

They have a lot of sex...

And then they have a kid, because that's something that happens to straight people.

Move forward twenty years and that Charlotte Gainsbourg knock-off has become Chiara Mastroianni, who is actually Catherine Deneuve's daughter IRL, btw.

Chiara Mastroianni falls in love with a gay Paul Schneider. We've all been there, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

And then they sing about it because it's a weird gay-ish romance.

And she also does the kind of choreographed bar dance that only French women can pull off...and me when the moon is illuminating my fifth house.

The clothes are amazing and enough to make one want to go retro for the day and actually consider wearing a polyester blend. Okay, not really. 

There's also a bunch of old people having sex, which normally isn't my thing but the French just make it work. I guess when it comes to Catherine Deneuve it doesn't really matter what she's doing as long as we get to watch her do it.

I'm not going to tell you any more because I don't feel like typing, so just take my word that this movie is gorgeous, chic, depressing, erotic, AND includes some great musical numbers that, again, only the French can pull off because they can say the most banal things while still being chic. Watch the trailer here if you still aren't convinced:

Oh and on a totally random side note I found Clay Aiken's OkCupid profile this morning, so there's something.


Love,
Patty

SHUT UP YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

You guys. You guys. Seriously. You guys. I know you think your lives are important but something MAJOR has been going on while you have been busy "working" or "living" or whatever it is that you do...GWYNETH IS ON INSTAGRAM.

Of course her first picture is a selfie with Jason Wu. Judging from Gwyneth's tousled locks and dopamine-filled expression, I'd say it looks as though they just had some rough afternoon sex because what else are you going to do between 2-4pm while you wait for happy hour to start.

I think the most inspirational thing about this is the copyright insignia in the corner, because you never know who might be trying to regram without giving proper credit. Way to connect with the plebes, GooP.

"I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year"

And we never would ask you to, Gwyn. Never change.

Okay now I have to go back to getting my Paris roundups ready for you poor bitches.

Cheers!

Love,
Patty