Thursday, August 7, 2014

If Susan Miller Can Take A Break Then So Can I

I get it. I've been gone for longer than is acceptable and you've been losing it. You've been crying yourself to sleep each night, calling your mom every day, wondering what it is that you could have possibly done wrong. I understand. Life is really, really, REALLY hard when I'm not here to fix EVERYTHING.

But guess what? Not unlike Dina Manzo returning to RHONJ, I'M BACK BITCHES.

Now, before we start talking about you (which isn't going to happen anyways) let's take a moment and talk about me. Where have I been? I'm sure you've been wondering that, and if you haven't then you are probably dead on the inside. What have I been up to? Well, it certainly hasn't been getting laid but we'll just keep that to ourselves. What have I been thinking? Nothing PC. That said, I've returned with the Gospel of Patty, and not only is it in hardcover, it's leather-bound. Basically I've been working on something really important this last month or so. No, it's not a book, and no, it's not curing Ebola (as if); it's something way more important: myself.

I've been doing really big things lately. I ate a tape worm but refused to let it make me lose weight. I drank nothing but kombucha for 72 hours. I helped a lost child realize that orange wasn't his color. I went on a date with a homeless person (to be fair I didn't know he was homeless until 48 minutes into the date; I just thought he was an artist) but all these things have been making me feel better about me. 

That being said I actually am here to metaphorically help you. Here are some soul searching exercises you ought to try.

Buy Something You've Always Wanted, Then Return It. 
You know how they say "if you love something let it go"? Well, I always thought that was bullshit because I'm a Taurus and we love owning things like the Antebellum South loved owning slaves, but I was wrong...sort of. Go to Barneys, buy that Saint Laurent or Celine you've always wanted, enjoy it for twenty minutes, five hours, whatever, then bring it back. That kind of limited fun will make you grow, and this way you get your money back.

Backpack Across Switzerland
It's so refreshing to be up in the Alps during summer, mainly because it isn't cold as an Eskimo's nuts this time of year, but also because if things get really bad you can just roll down a mountain side straight into George Clooney's Lake Como villa. Thanks for letting me crash, George!

Become A Gypsy
But in the cute way. Basically just cover yourself with Byredo's Gypsy Water, drink lots of illegal alcohol, and screw someone with a bunch of piercings while wearing a bandana. Chic, no?

Stay In A Sauna Until You Die. Come Back To Life.
I never would have guessed that "God" (or whomever that bitch was at the end of the tunnel) looks just like Eva Longoria, but it's all good.

Adopt A Baby
I think mine is broken because it WILL NOT STOP CRYING. Ugh, I should have returned this instead of that Balenciaga bag. Stupid Kim Kardashian making parenting look easy.

Alright, I've got to go. But don't worry; unlike this baby, I won't be leaving you alone again for weeks on end!