Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patty's Guide to St. Paddy's Day

This morning while I was walking Candy Bergen on her leash through the East Village I was rather perturbed by the amount of people I saw out and about celebrating the "holiday" (I still don't know if anything to come out of Ireland really deserves an actual holiday). Everywhere I looked there were average looking girls in that painfully unflattering shade of kelly green with shamrock stickers on their cheeks (both kinds) and men of average height in American Eangle denim (gag) with Guinness Suessical hats on their heads. It was a total nightmare. I had to run all the way to the Chanel store in Soho and buy something just to feel good about myself again.

Now, you're probably like "Patty, WTF? You drink like Elton John in the 80s and you love anything that you can even remotely make about yourself", which is indeed true, but let me say this: in the immortal words of Karen Walker "I don't drink on holidays, that's for amateurs." Truer words have never been spoken.

Any other day of the year I will take up this cause, but not today.

Instead of being average, here are some other ways to celebrate the holiday.

Smoke Weed
It's green, calorie free, and won't make you puke on the sidewalk and then go right back to singing Thrift Shop like I saw Latoya Jackson doing on the corner of 7th & Avenue B a few hours ago. 

Buy A Snakeskin Accessory
According to legend St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland (they probably thanked him for it later) so celebrate his victory with a little snake of your own. I'm loving this Givenchy clutch courtesy of Barneys

Never Eat Potatoes Again (or anything for that matter)
If the Irish ate them then you know they aren't chic, and besides how skinny do you think those people got when they stopped eating them during that whole "famine" thing? Lose the carbs, lose the chunky thighs.

Watch Anything With Anjelica Houston
She is probably the only Irish thing worth really celebrating. If Diana Vreeland loved her you should too.

Watch River Dancing on Mushrooms
Trust me.

Become An Immigrant
But a chic one; wear only Ann Demulemeester and lose ten pounds. Also please don't come to New York City unless you can walk fast on the sidewalk and leave me alone in general.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to glazing these 8,000 donuts I'm sending to my boy Rob Kardashian for his birthday.


Saturday, March 8, 2014

I'm Right 99% of 25% of the Time

I've been thinking about Jared Leto's hair a lot lately. In fact, I probably spend at least fifteen percent of my day thinking about it. It has managed to do what no Gisele or Olsen could do and given ombre a second life. Let's face it, before this award season and the man bun and all that chic Jesus glory, ombre was basically on the out. But now because of THIS:
It's back in.

Here is a list of other things that are in and out for Spring 2014. Enjoy:

Being 27
Ghesquiere at Louis Vuitton
Swiss Chard
Marianne Faithfull
Multiple Personality Disorder
Mary J. Blige
French New Wave Everything
Drunk Animals
Egg Whites
Drinking on Government Property
Steve Jobs' Ghost
New Mexico
Having a Pregnant Friend
Milk Baths
NeNe Leakes
Jared Leto's Hair
Remembering Virgin Records
Summering in Toulouse
3D Printed Anything
Owning Property in the MidWest
Melted Candles

Dave Matthews
Dave Matthews Band
Being 20
The South
Jane Austen 
Red Pasta Sauce
40s Chic
Anything from the year 1983
Nicki Minaj
Katy Perry
Justin Bieber
Water Parks
Feeling Guilty
Le Bain
Pippa Middleton
Mark Zuckerberg
All of the people working at E!
Ironic Food

I'm going to get back to growing my hair out now; I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Kthnxby


Friday, March 7, 2014

Oscar Fashion 2014: Tripping With J.Law

I don't post during Mercury Retrograde-in fact I try not to do anything during Mercury Retrograde. I prefer to hibernate in my room curled up under a pile of furs while Marianne Faithfull sits in the corner and sings Witches Song repeatedly and occasionally spritzes me with an alternating blend of Lys Mediterranee by Frederic Malle and Chanel Sycomore. She's also there to make sure none of the candles set anything on fire. I love Edie Sedgwick but there's a limit. 

Anyways Mercury went direct just in time for Marianne to bang the ceremonial gong and wake me from my slumber so that I was ready and drunk and wearing Valentino for the most important night of the year on television: THE OSCARS.

I freaking love the Oscars. I love the winners, I love the losers, I love the clothes, I love the fact that the gift bags are worth more than most people make in a year. I love that they are "#aspirational" and make anyone feel like they can achieve anything, when in reality most of the time they can't. I also love that J.Law pulled a J.Law and tripped over a cone. This just goes to prove the power of The Secret: I put it out into the universe that I wanted to her trip again at an award show because I thought it would be funny. Not only did I get my wish, I got a better wish: her falling in Dior again at the Oscars again. I must be a really good person for such nice things to happen to me.

Speaking of Dior: fashion. (that was the best transition I could come up with on such short notice). Let's cut the crap and talk about what really matters: fashion.

Lupita Nyong'o

I cried at how beautiful this was and I don't cry. Do you hear me? Lupita made me feel emotion and I NEVER feel emotion. I also almost NEVER like Prada but I guess it's possible to have a change of heart. Thank you for being my Cindy Loo-Who, Lupiterella. I salute you.

Charlize Theron
 Sometimes I get our identities mixed up and I think I'm Charlize, Charlize is me, and that blue actually is the warmest color. Charlize, you and I both look amazing. Good for you and good for me.

As soon as Ellen handed you that pizza I was like "girl is gonna get sauce on her couture." This Dior reminds me of Cruella DeVille's nice, animal friendly, younger sister...or something else that makes more sense.  You also look very...mature. I'll just leave that there for you. Try not to trip over it. 

Penelope Cruz
A lot of dresses got stuck on planes because of the weather in LA (it rained), and I think that's what happened here. Poor Penelope's gown got delayed on Roberto Cavalli's private jet so instead she Macgyver'd one out of a bed sheet. Someone get this woman a badge for crafting. Then get me another drink.

Cate Blanchett
I love this, I love her, I love the fact that her husband is visually a 2, and I love that Sandy Bullock looked pissed when she lost. Congratulations Cate, you tall flute of champagne, you.

Sandy B.
Honestly, I just don't care.

Olivia Wilde
I never thought anyone could look so good pregnant that they would make me want to try getting knocked up. I guess there's a first time for everything. 

Kate Hudson
I can sum up this look in three words: Disco Mummy Goddess. Make of that what you will.

Angelina Jolie
I'm torn because Angie's skin was GLOWING and her hair was shinier than Kate Middleton's, but this dress made her look like she was about to celebrate her 75th birthday. Still, she looks damn good for a septuagenarian.

Amy Adams
I love Nicole Kidma-I mean Amy Adams' dress. I want her to be wielding a riding crop, riding side saddle on Harvey Weinstein, and telling Christian Bale to stop acting so smug.

Kristin Bell

She's like a whorish mermaid bride circa 1899 which normally would be fabulous except for the fact that her hair makes her look so old she may as well have been alive in 1899.

Julia Roberts
You look like the table cloth at a wake.

Anne Hathaway
I just don't like you.

Portia de Rossi
I love this but something is off...I think it's her face.

Anna Kendrick

I don't get it.

Chrissy Tiegan
Just what the fuck. You aren't in 8th grade, lose the damn pink flower petals.

Liza Minelli
I honestly can't put my feelings into words, so like any proper Taurus I'll put them into objects: medication and paintball. Divine that, bitches. Oh and IT'S LIZA WITH A Z.

Jared Leto
I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get another inspiring man bun, because that thing was a game changer, but you still look like the version of Jesus I would worship if I had any inclination to worship anyone or anything besides myself. Also your brother is pants-dropping hot.

And to the most fabulous person of the night:

Judi Dench.
Bitch is too hardcore to even show up. Rock on Judi, rock on. 

Now someone bring me a box of snakes. 


p.s. I have no idea why the font is different. That's not on me.