I'VE GOT SOMETHING YOU NEED

Ah, fall. Fall is, in my opinion, the chicest time of the year. You can wear your leather pants again without that unpleasant sticking sensation, you can drink cider without looking naive, and you no longer have an excuse to dress like a whore. Basically, autumn separates the champions from the children, the elite from the basics, the Gwyneth Paltrows from the Lauren Conrads.

To get you prepped for the season here is everything you need to be as stylish and on point as possible over the next few months. Don't say I didn't warn you.

IN
Hemp Milk
Meggings
Haider Ackermann
Attempting Veganism
Anywhere You Can Get Mauled By A Lion
The Autumn Equinox
Poetic Apathy

Australia

Nintendo 64
Apple Picking with Meryl Streep and Matt Damon
Ochre (look it up)
Reflective Surfaces (always chic)
Eucalyptus
Pagans
Overpriced flannels
Petting Zoos
Convertibles
Being Sexually Attracted to Jesus Christ
Kate Middleton's 2nd Pregnancy
Having A Pregnant Friend (again)

OUT

Peasants

Any Animal Product Besides Leather

Andy Cohen

Lauren Conrad

Suburbs

Polyester

Middle America

Fourth of July

Fast Food

Fast Fashion

Fast Women

Anything You Read On HuffPo

Fleece

Suede Underwear

Terracotta

Shame

 

If you need me I'll be in Miley Cyrus's trunk.


Love,
Patty

10 Reasons To NEVER Have Children

So I'm sure you've all heard that my soul sister Kate Middleton is pregnant AGAIN. I remember being at little George's baby shower while he was still just a frozen pizza warming in her belly...ew. Babies. The only ones worth having are royal ones to carry on culture and taste, but beyond that no one needs to have a child. You know why? Because instead of having a child here are some things you could do that are way more interesting:

See The World

Unless you want to bring a stroller through customs and deal with a screaming infant on endless flights, then you're better off barren. Only have a child if you can do what my parents did and hire a saucy Dutch nanny to smack some sense into your children when you're not around.

Fight The Mummy

Did you see the Mummy 2?  Do you have any idea how much trouble that little fucker caused? HE WAS WHY THE MUMMY CAME BACK. So, not only are children useless, they are also dangerous.

Go To Space

That childhood dream of yours just died with your child's birth.

Conquer A Nation

Did Alexander the Great have a child? Not that I'm aware of; probs because he was gay.

Stay Thin

I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian.

Have Sex

I'm fairly certain that it's a proven fact that once you have children you stop having sex. That's just science. I assume big families must adopt after baby #1.

Buy Stuff

All your money will be going to that little shit, so why even bother?

 

Be A Superhero

 Did Batman have a child? Superman? Aquaman? No. Not even Wonder Woman was held down by the umbilical cord.

Become A Spy

Same argument as above, but consider James Bond, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and even Carmen Sandiego. You can't do cool shit while wearing a baby bjorn!

Have A Dream

Children ruin EVERYTHING.

I bet you all feel super bad for being born now, don't you? Your parents do, anyways.


Cheers!

Love,
Patty

If Susan Miller Can Take A Break Then So Can I

I get it. I've been gone for longer than is acceptable and you've been losing it. You've been crying yourself to sleep each night, calling your mom every day, wondering what it is that you could have possibly done wrong. I understand. Life is really, really, REALLY hard when I'm not here to fix EVERYTHING.

But guess what? Not unlike Dina Manzo returning to RHONJ, I'M BACK BITCHES.

Now, before we start talking about you (which isn't going to happen anyways) let's take a moment and talk about me. Where have I been? I'm sure you've been wondering that, and if you haven't then you are probably dead on the inside. What have I been up to? Well, it certainly hasn't been getting laid but we'll just keep that to ourselves. What have I been thinking? Nothing PC. That said, I've returned with the Gospel of Patty, and not only is it in hardcover, it's leather-bound. Basically I've been working on something really important this last month or so. No, it's not a book, and no, it's not curing Ebola (as if); it's something way more important: myself.

I've been doing really big things lately. I ate a tape worm but refused to let it make me lose weight. I drank nothing but kombucha for 72 hours. I helped a lost child realize that orange wasn't his color. I went on a date with a homeless person (to be fair I didn't know he was homeless until 48 minutes into the date; I just thought he was an artist) but all these things have been making me feel better about me. 

That being said I actually am here to metaphorically help you. Here are some soul searching exercises you ought to try.

Buy Something You've Always Wanted, Then Return It. 

You know how they say "if you love something let it go"? Well, I always thought that was bullshit because I'm a Taurus and we love owning things like the Antebellum South loved owning slaves, but I was wrong...sort of. Go to Barneys, buy that Saint Laurent or Celine you've always wanted, enjoy it for twenty minutes, five hours, whatever, then bring it back. That kind of limited fun will make you grow, and this way you get your money back.

Backpack Across Switzerland

It's so refreshing to be up in the Alps during summer, mainly because it isn't cold as an Eskimo's nuts this time of year, but also because if things get really bad you can just roll down a mountain side straight into George Clooney's Lake Como villa. Thanks for letting me crash, George!

Become A Gypsy

But in the cute way. Basically just cover yourself with Byredo's Gypsy Water, drink lots of illegal alcohol, and screw someone with a bunch of piercings while wearing a bandana. Chic, no?

Stay In A Sauna Until You Die. Come Back To Life.

I never would have guessed that "God" (or whomever that bitch was at the end of the tunnel) looks just like Eva Longoria, but it's all good.

Adopt A Baby

I think mine is broken because it WILL NOT STOP CRYING. Ugh, I should have returned this instead of that Balenciaga bag. Stupid Kim Kardashian making parenting look easy.

Alright, I've got to go. But don't worry; unlike this baby, I won't be leaving you alone again for weeks on end!

Cheers!

Love,

Patty

If I Tell You To Jump Off A Bridge I'm Probably Drunk

The other day was apparently the first day of summer; I don't know how anyone decided this since no one consulted me on the subject, but whatever. It's summer, and that's just great. Since my What's In & What's Out for Spring 2014 post was so popular, I thought I'd do another installment for Summer so you don't have to worry about being on your a-game.

See below for all that is chic and less chic for Summer 2014.

IN

Cancelling TV Shows

Refuting jelly, but accepting jam

Astronomy

Any issue of VOGUE with Sharon Stone on the cover

Saying "Yes"

Chess

My hair

One Olsen twin

Freedom

Robots

Rooms kept permanently at 68 degrees

Ambassadors

Emergency procedures

Jetskis

Breaking cars with sledgehammers

1979

Cara Delevingne's acting career

Rivers

Cigarettes, but only if you're me or Kate Moss

Tattoos

Yo

Jupiter entering Leo

High ceilings

Shag carpets

Blue-veined Marble

Ancient Art

Having a farm

Sending a pot of dirt instead of flowers

Wheat embellishments

Peonies

La Roux

Finding children on church doorsteps

Whitney Houston impersonators

The Donner Party

Geri Halliwell's solo career

Sienna Miller's baby

Anything "chia", be it pets, puddings, or something else I'm not aware of that is chia related.

Quvenzhané Wallis

Weed

Winter

OUT

Saying "No"

Math

Tiffany Lamps

Babies

Emma Roberts

Gourds

E-Cigs

Madonna's arms

Edible Arrangements

Cider

Supernatural beings

Cigarettes, but only if you aren't me or Kate Moss

Quoting Maya Angelou

The other Olsen twin

Government jobs

Alec Baldwin

Grocery Stores

Hobbits

Nautical themed anything

Gstaad

Tumblr

Vine

Water skiing

Sandstone

Onesies

Waiting

Office environments 

Wearing sunglasses indoors

Modern Art

UN Summits

Music Festivals

Corn Syrup

Cocaine

Daisies

Summer

Also, here are some photos I've pulled that scream summer to me like a Real Housewife of New Jersey (really, any housewife from NJ will do). You should make a vision board for your summer, too.

I know, without me you would be lost.

Love,
Patty

Are You Afraid of the Dark (liquor)?

Today the barista at Dean & Deluca put whole milk in my latte instead of skim, as I had requested. After feeling faint and having to lay down upon my chaise longue, this got me to thinking about fear.
We all have fears, like, what if they forget to put the dressing on the side of my seared tuna & kale salad and I'm too cross-faded to make a fuss? Or what if I lose track of my teacup husky (that's a thing now) and I find it three weeks later expired inside my Balenciaga bag? (#whatsthatsmell?)

Now, I know a lot of you look up to me, mainly because I never go anywhere in flat shoes, so I thought I would help all of us grow by airing some of the terrifying thoughts that keep me up at night. Below I've listed ten of my biggest fears; hopefully this will encourage you to do the same thing, and by doing so begin the process of confronting your own personal demons.

Just remember that this, like the trunk of my car, is a safe space. 

Diet Coke

Terrifying because it's even worse for you than its already sadistic sibling, regular Coke. Just do what I do and stick to the holy trinity: water, green tea, and alcohol.

Rosie O'Donnell

 Because you know that instead of hiring an assasin she would kill you herself.

Bruce Jenner's Adams Apple

Is it there? Is it not there? I don't know but I need a concrete answer.

Back Sweat

I shouldn't need to elaborate.

Loveseats

TOO MUCH PRESSURE IN ONE PIECE OF FURNITURE

Becoming Beth from Little Women

No one wants to be Beth. I'm totally Amy, but I'd also settle for Jo.

Antarctica

Who the hell knows what they are hiding down there.

Sobriety

I'd rather try Sears. Besides, then what would happen to this blog?

Balding

I have the best damn head of hair in the Tri-State area. Plus, if I still have it when I'm old I want to look like this:

Peasants

They are always up to some kind of socialist bullshit. GET BACK TO YOUR POTATO FIELD.

The following future deaths:

Jane Fonda

Hillary Clinton

Anna Wintour

Tom Ford

Karl Lagerfeld

Judi Dench

Maggie Smith

Antonia Fraser

Lena Dunham

I know, you're shocked by that last one, but the hatred fuels my daily existence. Without her, I would be nothing.

JK.

Word to your mother.


Love,
Patty

When Life Gives You Lemons...Master Cleanse.

It's easy to get stressed out in this day and age, and while I think xanax prescirptions should totally be readily available to everyone the world over, I know that that's not possible for various hazy reasons-or so the DEA keeps telling me.  Instead, many of us have to deal with the mundane (hate that word) crappiness of day-to-day life and find a way to cope, xanax-free. Now, I am many things, but mundane (again, totally hate that word) is not one of them, and neither is crappy, but that doesn't mean I don't get stressed out. It's emotions I try to avoid-stress is a whole other issue. That being said, there are so many different ways to cope with stress that I'm sure you haven't considered, besides pills.

Let Patty help.

Sit under a waterfall for two hours

Do it during your lunch break; it's so rejuvenating and completely fat-free.

Listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat without moving until your philosophical wounds heal

Only your eyes may move, and that movement must be expelling tears.

Find a Panda and become its friend

 And then go on to star in a movie about it.

Plan a search mission for Atlantis

Honestly, this is more fun on Ambien, but it does restore your faith in childish innocence. Or you just black out.

Hire a sherpa, have him follow you around everywhere you go

He can usher you through Soho when it's crowded with tourists and people who walk too slowly (you know who you are and I hate all of you).

Move to a mountaintop and revel in the bucolic nature of it all by living like Heidi

 But do not forget to bring your maid.

Make a vision board

Then set it on fire. Fire is cleansing, apparently *coughediesedgwickcough*

Get on a yacht

Preferably with a Casiraghi, and bonus points if Caroline is there. 

Hang out with Eva Longoria

Girlfriend knows how to party.

Go to Switzerland

So god damn calming you could just die. Ditto Belgium. 

Do something you've always thought about doing, but never have

Chelsea Clinton and I had the BEST night at Medieval Times. We bought swords and drank with peasants (LOL).

Create a shrine. Worship daily

I have one dedicated to Kate Moss in my room. It really gets me focused.

Eat something

You earned it, I guess. (did you?)

Tracy Anderson your way through it

This woman is everything. She does Gwyneth, OKAY?

Realize you are better than all that

I mean, I know I am.

I hope you feel better.


Namaste,
Patty