Thursday, June 5, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons...Master Cleanse.

It's easy to get stressed out in this day and age, and while I think xanax prescirptions should totally be readily available to everyone the world over, I know that that's not possible for various hazy reasons-or so the DEA keeps telling me.  Instead, many of us have to deal with the mundane (hate that word) crappiness of day-to-day life and find a way to cope, xanax-free. Now, I am many things, but mundane (again, totally hate that word) is not one of them, and neither is crappy, but that doesn't mean I don't get stressed out. It's emotions I try to avoid-stress is a whole other issue. That being said, there are so many different ways to cope with stress that I'm sure you haven't considered, besides pills.

Let Patty help.

Sit under a waterfall for two hours
Do it during your lunch break; it's so rejuvenating and completely fat-free.

Listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat without moving until your philosophical wounds heal
Only your eyes may move, and that movement must be expelling tears.

Find a Panda and become its friend
 And then go on to star in a movie about it.

Plan a search mission for Atlantis
Honestly, this is more fun on Ambien, but it does restore your faith in childish innocence. Or you just black out.

Hire a sherpa, have him follow you around everywhere you go
He can usher you through Soho when it's crowded with tourists and people who walk too slowly (you know who you are and I hate all of you).

Move to a mountaintop and revel in the bucolic nature of it all by living like Heidi
 But do not forget to bring your maid.

Make a vision board
Then set it on fire. Fire is cleansing, apparently *coughediesedgwickcough*

Get on a yacht
Preferably with a Casiraghi, and bonus points if Caroline is there. 

Hang out with Eva Longoria
Girlfriend knows how to party.

Go to Switzerland
So god damn calming you could just die. Ditto Belgium. 

Do something you've always thought about doing, but never have
Chelsea Clinton and I had the BEST night at Medieval Times. We bought swords and drank with peasants (LOL).

Create a shrine. Worship daily
I have one dedicated to Kate Moss in my room. It really gets me focused.

Eat something
You earned it, I guess. (did you?)

Tracy Anderson your way through it
This woman is everything. She does Gwyneth, OKAY?

Realize you are better than all that
I mean, I know I am.

I hope you feel better.


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