Saturday, December 28, 2013

Out With the Old, In With The More Expensive

That time of year is upon us. We've opened our presents, said thank you to santa and zombie jesus, taken shrooms with out moms, and had a lovely holiday season. But it's not over yet-no, not yet. SO CLOSE, but still there is the inevitable NEW YEARS EVE. We have to think "what have I done this year? What have I achieved? I don't know, I was high for a lot of it. Isn't that right, Helen?"
"That's right, Patty."
"What have you done this year, Helen?"
"Well, I didn't kill anyone and committed very little theft, so it was a really good year."
"I'm so glad to hear it, Helen."
"I did do some messed up shit though; I almost drowned a cat and-"
"No one wants to hear it, Helen."

With no further adieu, or whatever, here are my resolutions for 2014. I hope you learned a lot in 2013. I sure did.

Divine my Spirit Animal.
Is it a cat? Is it a fox? A swan? Kate Moss's left boob? I don't know but I would like to figure it out.

Learn To Photosynthesize
I'm trying to get closer to nature and lower my calorie intake at the same time. If I can figure out how to absorb sunlight for sustenance that would make cutting out gluten so much easier.

Meet a Princess
In 2013 I met my first Duke, so in 2014 I've decided I'm going to meet my first Princess. I've set the bar low though and decided she doesn't need to have been born to royalty; I'll accept a commoner. I'm looking at you, Charlene.

Drink 5 Scorpion Bowls in 1 Night
In loving memory of Tiki Bar.

Rap Battle
I actually would be horrible at this, and I freely admit it, but it would be a broadening experience. 

Get Wasted with Kris Jenner
This honestly doesn't seem like it would be that difficult to arrange.

Go To Malta
This is a thing and it is going to happen.

Meet Carmen Sandiego
She's such a style inspiration; I'd wear everything she does but in black. I like my clothes like I like my soul: black.

Buy this Saint Laurent Ermine Coat
I don't give two shits that it's $50,000.

Figure out why Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom just couldn't make it work.
This was a real tragedy.

Have an intervention for Miley
It's time.

Have a Japanese Tea Ceremony with Lorde, David Bowie and Tilda Swinton
The kimonos would be FIERCE

Drink the same amount of alcohol.
I'm satisfied with how I did in 2013.

Never get tricked into going to Marquee again
This isn't high school.

Hike the Appalachian Trail
At least part of it. That's a lot of redneck territory to take in at once.

Learn Korean
It's going to be useful. WWIII is just around the corner...

Become Friends with a Goat
Again, broadening. And they can function as lawnmowers.

Be More Like Gwyneth
No apologies.

Get nominated for something.
I don't care what as long as it is televised and I can wear Dior.

Happy 2014! Stay young and skinny! Or whatever, I really don't care, just avoid AA.



Now get out.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

So Ugly They Should Be At MOMA

It's Wednesday and I'm feeling extremely conflicted. Not because I can't decide which pair of sunglasses to wear when/if I leave the house today or because Tom Daley finally came out but apparently is already having a May-December romance with the guy who wrote Milk so ugh (also that's so gay). No, it's because of Solange Knowles. You love Solange. I love Solange. I've loved her ever since the time we shared a cab with Rita Ora to JFK the morning after Beyonce's baby shower (god it feels like forever ago) but WHY SOLANGE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THIS?
These are so ugly they could be an installation at MOMA.
I get that fashion is returning to the funkitude of the 90s, lord knows I love ripped jeans and underage Kate Moss, but there are certain things that, like a zombie, were meant to stay dead and never be resurrected but then oh whoops fuck the world they're back. Solange has paired up with Puma to design a line of sneakers apparently inspired by Brazil (sorry Brazil) but more or less look like she found them at Goodwill where they had been kicking it (get it?) for the last fifteen years. And then she did some ecstasy. 

 It's like something Courtney Love puked up.

 Don't these just scream Angelica Pickles/crack to you?

I'm just too confused by the scalloped detail to have an opinion on this. Wait, no, it's still ugly.

These are going to be on the feet of every whorey go-go boy at next years Pride.

If I see any of you wearing these I'm never speaking to you again.


Thursday, November 28, 2013


Like every other American, this is the one day a year I take to actually stop and think about how lucky I am. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, like the fact that the guy from blue collar comedy didn't win Dancing With The Stars, or that Gossip Girl is no longer on the air (seriously I don't think anyone could handle another season of that. And what the hell about Dan actually being Gossip Girl? Like wtf? this some Rocky Horror bullshit). Here's what I'm thankful for this year, and you should be too:

For keeping me KO'd when I need it.

For giving me a false sense of superiority over other people. 

Princess Charlene's Regret
For reminding us that for every Kate Middleton, there's another princess dying on the inside day by day. STAY STRONG CHARLENE.

Karl Lagerfeld
For being so demure.

That Acid Trip from 2011
I don't remember it that well, but I did meet the Care Bears and that was pretty cool.

My Many Au Pair's
For teaching me to never do something for myself when I can pay someone else to do it for me.

Jupiter in the 10th House
For basically guaranteeing that I'm going to be famous.

Eye Drops
For letting me be stoned in public since 2007.

Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape
Without it we wouldn't have 75% of today's pop culture.

My Middle Finger
It got a lot of use in 2013.

For being fun.

The Spice Girls
For teaching me about feminism in the 90s.

Prince Carl Philip of Sweden
For those amazing three hours we spent in the back of his Jaguar.

My Native American Blood.
For giving me something to bitch about today.

Gwyneth Paltrow
For guiding me through the dark times. Thank you for everything, Gwyneth. 

God that was EXHAUSTING.

Alright I'm going to go eye the food preparations with a mix of apprehension and distrust.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Green Auras: The Afterschool Special

Let me take a minute away from these hectic last few days (celebrating Miley's birthday is a week-long affair) to get serious about something. I don't like to brag about it too much, but I went to a very good college. I know, I know, you're all like "but Patty you're too pretty to go to school" and you're totally right, but, just as Belle and Nicole Richie proved, brains make us more interesting than our uneducated counterparts. Of course that doesn't mean I'm innocent of having ever done something less than intelligent. I made a poorly informed decision here or there when I was an undergrad at Sarah Lawrence (cut to 4/20 freshman year when I ran around with a cross made out of two giant construction paper spliffs and then tried to light it on fire on the north lawn) but I never did anything this ill-considered:
If you haven't seen "Green Auras" by Daniel Day-Lewis and Isabelle Adjani's prodigy and newest Sarah Lawrence College fixture, Gabe Day Lewis (or no Lewis? I haven't decided how he feels about that yet), then you are doing yourself both a favor and a disservice. I'm hoping this goes viral, and am going to do all I can to make sure it does, because it's honestly a treasure in that sweet & sour, amazing & cringe-worthy way. Essentially it's four minutes of first world problems and weed, which is basically the most Sarah Lawrence thing ever. Either watch the video right now in its entire awkwardness, or just keep reading to see how I feel about it (aka why you're here):

Gabe, obviously you are a freshman since you don't seem to realize the swings are social suicide, but then again if you made this video you must be pretty ignorant to the whole idea of social suicide. Also loving the security shuttle in the background; if that's Cindy tell her whatup for me.

"Judging someone for their dad is just as bad as being racist."
...this is worse than the time Justin Bieber peed in that bucket.

I'm assuming that in order to get these extras you supplied them with two boxes of franzia in lieu of payment? I remember how these things work. Also, girl in red glasses in lower left-hand corner, I recognize you and I'm ashamed for you.

"To those who think they know me, because they know my dad, he's in film right so my life's been more exposed than yours has."
Calm down Kim Kardashian, I didn't even know you existed until this cinematic abortion came into my life.

 "I've been kicking it on campus, SLC"
Gabe, I spent four years on that damn campus, and you do not "kick it".

 "Just another stoop kid, doing lots of stoop shit, but never acting stupid, nah."
I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

And then there's this:

In summation:

1. Take out that god damn earring and lose the Africa necklace. I know, you can't just ask someone why they're white, but COME ON.

2. Smoke less weed. And that's coming from me, who spent 72 hours stuck in Tommy Chong's car with Natasha Lyonne and Vanessa Redgrave because we were too stoned to figure out how to open the door.

3. Who is your don? I'm writing them a letter.

I don't ever want to see you at Wild Ginger when I visit.


p.s. Loved your mom in La Reine Margot.