That time of year is upon us. We've opened our presents, said thank you to santa and zombie jesus, taken shrooms with out moms, and had a lovely holiday season. But it's not over yet-no, not yet. SO CLOSE, but still there is the inevitable NEW YEARS EVE. We have to think "what have I done this year? What have I achieved? I don't know, I was high for a lot of it. Isn't that right, Helen?"
"That's right, Patty."
"What have you done this year, Helen?"
"Well, I didn't kill anyone and committed very little theft, so it was a really good year."
"I'm so glad to hear it, Helen."
"I did do some messed up shit though; I almost drowned a cat and-"
"No one wants to hear it, Helen."
With no further adieu, or whatever, here are my resolutions for 2014. I hope you learned a lot in 2013. I sure did.
Divine my Spirit Animal.
Is it a cat? Is it a fox? A swan? Kate Moss's left boob? I don't know but I would like to figure it out.
Learn To Photosynthesize
I'm trying to get closer to nature and lower my calorie intake at the same time. If I can figure out how to absorb sunlight for sustenance that would make cutting out gluten so much easier.
Meet a Princess
In 2013 I met my first Duke, so in 2014 I've decided I'm going to meet my first Princess. I've set the bar low though and decided she doesn't need to have been born to royalty; I'll accept a commoner. I'm looking at you, Charlene.
Drink 5 Scorpion Bowls in 1 Night
In loving memory of Tiki Bar.
I actually would be horrible at this, and I freely admit it, but it would be a broadening experience.
Get Wasted with Kris Jenner
This honestly doesn't seem like it would be that difficult to arrange.
Go To Malta
This is a thing and it is going to happen.
Meet Carmen Sandiego
She's such a style inspiration; I'd wear everything she does but in black. I like my clothes like I like my soul: black.
Buy this Saint Laurent Ermine Coat
I don't give two shits that it's $50,000.
Figure out why Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom just couldn't make it work.
This was a real tragedy.
Have an intervention for Miley
Have a Japanese Tea Ceremony with Lorde, David Bowie and Tilda Swinton
The kimonos would be FIERCE
Drink the same amount of alcohol.
I'm satisfied with how I did in 2013.
Never get tricked into going to Marquee again
This isn't high school.
Hike the Appalachian Trail
At least part of it. That's a lot of redneck territory to take in at once.
It's going to be useful. WWIII is just around the corner...
Become Friends with a Goat
Again, broadening. And they can function as lawnmowers.
Be More Like Gwyneth
Get nominated for something.
I don't care what as long as it is televised and I can wear Dior.
Happy 2014! Stay young and skinny! Or whatever, I really don't care, just avoid AA.
Now get out.