Sunday, November 24, 2013

Green Auras: The Afterschool Special

Let me take a minute away from these hectic last few days (celebrating Miley's birthday is a week-long affair) to get serious about something. I don't like to brag about it too much, but I went to a very good college. I know, I know, you're all like "but Patty you're too pretty to go to school" and you're totally right, but, just as Belle and Nicole Richie proved, brains make us more interesting than our uneducated counterparts. Of course that doesn't mean I'm innocent of having ever done something less than intelligent. I made a poorly informed decision here or there when I was an undergrad at Sarah Lawrence (cut to 4/20 freshman year when I ran around with a cross made out of two giant construction paper spliffs and then tried to light it on fire on the north lawn) but I never did anything this ill-considered:
If you haven't seen "Green Auras" by Daniel Day-Lewis and Isabelle Adjani's prodigy and newest Sarah Lawrence College fixture, Gabe Day Lewis (or no Lewis? I haven't decided how he feels about that yet), then you are doing yourself both a favor and a disservice. I'm hoping this goes viral, and am going to do all I can to make sure it does, because it's honestly a treasure in that sweet & sour, amazing & cringe-worthy way. Essentially it's four minutes of first world problems and weed, which is basically the most Sarah Lawrence thing ever. Either watch the video right now in its entire awkwardness, or just keep reading to see how I feel about it (aka why you're here):

Gabe, obviously you are a freshman since you don't seem to realize the swings are social suicide, but then again if you made this video you must be pretty ignorant to the whole idea of social suicide. Also loving the security shuttle in the background; if that's Cindy tell her whatup for me.

"Judging someone for their dad is just as bad as being racist."
...this is worse than the time Justin Bieber peed in that bucket.

I'm assuming that in order to get these extras you supplied them with two boxes of franzia in lieu of payment? I remember how these things work. Also, girl in red glasses in lower left-hand corner, I recognize you and I'm ashamed for you.

"To those who think they know me, because they know my dad, he's in film right so my life's been more exposed than yours has."
Calm down Kim Kardashian, I didn't even know you existed until this cinematic abortion came into my life.

 "I've been kicking it on campus, SLC"
Gabe, I spent four years on that damn campus, and you do not "kick it".

 "Just another stoop kid, doing lots of stoop shit, but never acting stupid, nah."
I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

And then there's this:

In summation:

1. Take out that god damn earring and lose the Africa necklace. I know, you can't just ask someone why they're white, but COME ON.

2. Smoke less weed. And that's coming from me, who spent 72 hours stuck in Tommy Chong's car with Natasha Lyonne and Vanessa Redgrave because we were too stoned to figure out how to open the door.

3. Who is your don? I'm writing them a letter.

I don't ever want to see you at Wild Ginger when I visit.


p.s. Loved your mom in La Reine Margot.

No comments:

Post a Comment