Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Patty's Favorite Things

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been, and if you haven't been then you're dead to me. My arch-nemesis Heather Locklear roofied me at the Isabel Marant + H&M launch party (I still don't know how she managed to get in) and I woke up in a Thai jail 36 hours later with nothing but a bag of cat tranquilizers she'd planted on me and my Ray-Ban's. Between not having access to GOOP, being the only blond guy and then having the tranqs taken away, things were pretty rough. I spent most of my time astral projecting, or on the phone with my psychic; I was having her channel Robert Kardashian's ghost so that we could work on my defense. If he helped get OJ off then he could definitely get me out of that hell hole.

I also took the time to think about giving, because I'm nice like that. I love giving. It's like losing weight. You feel good about yourself and it's an excuse to go shopping.

Here are some of the things I'll be giving this Holiday season:

Miniature Horses, $750-$1,500
Animals that are just smaller versions of other animals are EVERYTHING. Get one or two or seven and name them after the dwarfs from Snow White.

Chanel Fishing Rod, $18,000
I know that if my grandfather was still alive I'd get this for him. That being said I'll probably just get it for myself.

This 18th Century Chateau, $24,300,000
Think about how weird the parties could get. You would have to put in a pool, though.

Vieille Bon Secours Ale, $1200
I like to use this specifically for beer pong.

Steen Ipsen "Organic 1", Price Upon Request
Don't give it to anyone violent, or to anyone who does a lot of PCP. Do give it to a friend while they are tripping on acid or shrooms.

Luxury Yacht, $40,000,000
The gift that keeps on giving.

Fendi Bag Buggies, $700
 The most useless way to let someone know you care.

Alex & Lee Necklace, Price Upon Request
I'd put this in a gift basket along with glow sticks, salvia, and a DVD of Dark Crystal.  

 A Private Island in Nova Scotia, $86,395
For the person in in your life rocking the 21st century Ingmar Bergman vibe.

Louis Vuitton Suitcase, $8,400
 Think of all the things you could smuggle in here!

A Two-Episode Guest Arc on The Mindy Project, Price Upon Request
The best way to show you care is to help make that person famous.

Visionaire Back Issue, $175-$1500
Nothing is chicer that paying a lot for a little. 

I'm giving these all to myself, by the way.



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