THANK ME THANK YOU

Like every other American, this is the one day a year I take to actually stop and think about how lucky I am. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, like the fact that the guy from blue collar comedy didn't win Dancing With The Stars, or that Gossip Girl is no longer on the air (seriously I don't think anyone could handle another season of that. And what the hell about Dan actually being Gossip Girl? Like wtf? this some Rocky Horror bullshit). Here's what I'm thankful for this year, and you should be too:

NyQuil

For keeping me KO'd when I need it.

Kale

For giving me a false sense of superiority over other people. 

Princess Charlene's Regret

For reminding us that for every Kate Middleton, there's another princess dying on the inside day by day. STAY STRONG CHARLENE.

Karl Lagerfeld

For being so demure.

That Acid Trip from 2011

I don't remember it that well, but I did meet the Care Bears and that was pretty cool.

My Many Au Pair's

For teaching me to never do something for myself when I can pay someone else to do it for me.

Jupiter in the 10th House

For basically guaranteeing that I'm going to be famous.

Eye Drops

For letting me be stoned in public since 2007.

Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape

Without it we wouldn't have 75% of today's pop culture.

My Middle Finger

It got a lot of use in 2013.

Tequila

For being fun.

The Spice Girls

For teaching me about feminism in the 90s.

Prince Carl Philip of Sweden

For those amazing three hours we spent in the back of his Jaguar.

My Native American Blood.

For giving me something to bitch about today.

Gwyneth Paltrow

For guiding me through the dark times. Thank you for everything, Gwyneth. 

God that was EXHAUSTING.

Alright I'm going to go eye the food preparations with a mix of apprehension and distrust.

Love,

Patty