Thursday, January 30, 2014

Moving Apartments Is For Objectifying Turkish Oil Wrestlers

I know I still haven't finished telling you all about the couture and the places I am now banned from in Paris, but I returned to the states earlier this week (I got a full police escort to Charles de Gaulle Airport...what with being forcibly deported and all) and have had to deal with moving apartments which is just so middle class.
The effects of moving on otherwise sane people.
Of course I'm not really doing any of the work; I hired a bunch of burly Turkish oil wrestlers to do it while I sit on my couch drinking pinot grigio straight from the bottle. Basically I watch them bending over time and time again, their muscles bulging and...well, it's been a surprisingly relaxing experience. There was one awkward moment when they accidentally broke a 1,500 year old Ming vase that mom bought me for an ash tray, but these things happen. Plus I got a free slave out of it for the next six months.
I gave them a lot of breaks because I'm a nice employer like that; the only caveat was that they had to be shirtless. The whole time.

In the meanwhile here are some things I've been thinking/doing/watching/listening/reading/loving this week:
Jared Leto's hair.

That basically sums it up.

TTYL bitches,


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Couture: It's Not for Plebians. Part 1.

I'm in Paris camped out at the Hotel de Crillon with my European partner-in-crime, Contessa Emilia Aurelia Keith Rose von Aldenshtier (her father owns more Rothko's than you have hair follicles, just FYI) for the couture shows. Between her poking Andre Leon Tally's eye out with her giant Saint Laurent hat, me beating the crap out of a paparazzi with my Rick Owens boots, and us flicking lit cigarettes at Anna Della Russo (SHE WOULD NOT MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY) it's been a hoot and a half. I was a little upset when Karl chose Cara Delevigne instead of me to close the Chanel show but then he promised I could do it next time so I guess I'll survive.

The couture shows are the most important time of the fashion year because they reminds us that no matter how much you work for it you will probably never be able to afford anything you see here (I'm talking to the plebes when I say this) but that's the whole point of fashion: it's aspirational. It's also hyped up on a lot of narcotics, so I fit right in. That being said I've already placed my orders with all the ateliers; wanna see what I'm planning on buying? Note that most of these are dresses so I'm not buying them to wear, just to look at-sort of like a less creepy Hannibal I guess? My closet has been feeling a little drab lately so I needed something to decorate it with, and what better than $5,000,000.00 worth of silks and sequins? It was also a great opportunity to pick out gowns for my future bridesmaids, so there's something.

I loved this because it feels like an understated Bjork Oscar gown, and, really, what is chicer than that?

I didn't eat anything at Thanksgiving (or any other day, for that matter) but I did save the feathers from the turkey-which my brother killed with a bow & arrow-and look how nicely Valentino repurposed them!

If I was ever going to be in The Lion King on Broadway this is what I would wear. I don't give two shits what the costume designer has to say about it.

Elie Saab
 I love this for the better-late-than-never bride; you could be more knocked up than Kim Kardashian and still hide your baby weight.

 I would wear this like my friend George wears his 6-inch Louboutins: strictly in the privacy of my boudoir.

This is what my bridesmaids will wear if I get married in the woods, a gothic cathedral, or the basement of Marilyn Manson's house.

Maison Martin Margiela
 Don't you dare look me in the eyes, peasant, LOOK ME IN THE ARMS.

I'm buying one for each of my girlfriends for *that* time of the month. Mask included.

I have nothing to say. Nothing.

Alexis Mabille
 Is it a butterfly? Is it her abs? I don't care because she looks skinny.

 Picture this coat. Now picture is set on fire. CHIC.

Obsessed with this crotch ruffle.

Okay, Emilia and I have to go meet Valérie Trierweiler & Charlotte Rampling for tea at the Palais-Royale. I'll post the rest of my shopping spree later.

Bite me.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Grab Life By The Globes

Oh my god. So much happened at the Golden Globes that my head is still having difficulty processing it all.  Uma Thurman and I sat together and stared daggers at Zoe Saldana's dress, I did shots with P. Diddy in the bathroom (this was right before the Let It Floooooooow moment) and the whole time I just wanted Jennifer Lawrence to trip and fall in her Dior and start making it a thing that she just does whenever she gets an award.

While I could talk about how much shade Gwyneth was throwing (love you, Goopy) or about how happy I was that Anne Hathaway and her nipples weren't present, I'm going to talk about the only thing that really matters when it comes to award shows: the clothes.


Uma Thurman
See, this is hard for me because out of any celebrity Uma and I have the most similar birth charts, so I like to always think that we would make very similar choices (hello, can't you just picture me in Kill Bill?) and while she did do a very Patty thing and wear black, I just can't

Actually no, I would totally wear this. 

Taylor Swift
Shut up. No one cares you cut your hair. There's a special place in hell for women like you.

Amber Heard
I love everything about this except for one thing: that damn pelvic crease. It makes her look like a mannequin and that's where the top half and the bottom half are connected. You could swivel her torso like a barbie. But other than that FLAWLESS.

Cate Blanchett
She won for starring in a movie that was essentially based on me and a bender from 2009. She wins everything, every time.

Minnie Driver
I love this I just hate her Michael Jackson hair. Also-and I mean this in a totally non bitchy way-but her face is so angular you could probably draw a pentagram on it. Love you, Minnie!

Heidi Klum
I'm conflicted because part of me loves this whorey-Spaniard lady pimp look, but part of me also knows that it's been ten years since 2004.

Julie Bowen
At first I didn't care for this, but it's growing on me. Granted the color scheme is a little too Gucci S/S '07, but I'm willing to look beyond that and just appreciate the fact that she looks super skinny.

Sandra Bullock

 Paula Patton
  Seriously just what the hell? This could have been so sexy if she just didn't have that shamwow ruffle or attempt to look like a tampax commercial. Also when she said that thing about liking strange men? Yeah, no shit, your husband is Robin Thicke and he's a huge perv.

Kate Beckinsale
I love you, you skinny micro chip. 

Helen Mirren
Helen, you flawless minx, you. I will bear your children (aka I will hire a surrogate because ew stretchmarks).

Rashida Jones
Okay I would love this dress if only the golden palm trees were ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the only thing I can think of that would be worst would be a swastika. I just don't get it. Why a god damn palm tree motif? You're like a walking ad for In-N-Out. I love you otherwise, R-dog.

Jessica Chastain
Her dress looks like Madame X by Sargent and it is FABULOUS. Her hair looks like she just had raging sex in her limo on the way to the show which is also FABULOUS.

 Zoe Saldana
At first I just assumed this was Prada because it's so ugly, but it turns out it's Prabal Gurung and that he told poor Zoe that she was the "only one" who could wear it. I wonder what dirt he has on her because there's so much going on here and most of it looks like it came from Michael's.

Emma Roberts
You look good (read: the dress looks good) but you're the reason Jessica Lange lost.

Julia Roberts
 I'm really not down with this whole Carolina Herrera/Evening gown hybrid. It's like she is an executive who just came from a board meeting and had to change in the limo and forgot to take off her shirt before putting on her dress. It's very Martha Stewart, but it's not a good thing.

Kaley Cuoco
I don't know if I'm missing a chromosome or I mixed up my pills, but I actually kind of like this. It's like she's an Impressionist painter's pirate mistress. DREAM JOB.

Sofia Vergara
Her skirts double as a feather duster/vacuum combo. If you had been there you would have realized they emitted a low whirring noise wherever she went.

J. LAW. WHAT HAPPENED? The haircut was already such a kick in the pants and now this? It looks like Dior ran out of fabric and decided to just make your dress with Charmin tp and jumper cables. I get that you're the face of CD but you can say no sometimes.

 Reese Witherspoon
 I just have one question and one question only: did you buy this dress at Lululemon?

Emma Thompson
Is she aging in reverse? Yes. Is she the baddest bitch ever? Yes. Is she smarter than you? Yes. Is she smarter than me? Maybe.

Gabourey Sidibe
She looks flawless and any haters can kiss my big black soul. 

Robin Wright
 This is how one does class. Absorb it like a plant absorbs sunlight or my liver absorbs alcohol.

Sarah Paulson
Once again proving that not every lesbian has to wear a tux to these things *coughJanecoughEllen*.

Jacqueline Bisset
Dear Jackie, thank you for setting the tone for the evening with your incredibly slow walking and your batshit harvest eve dress. I love you.

Drew Barrymore
You look like a Valentine's day card made by a room full of gay first grade boys. Chic.

Naomi Watts
Can we all finally agree that sideboob is over? Even that bitch in blue next to you is like "seriously, another tit?" Yes. Another tit.

Lena Dunham
You are my worst nightmare. I am yours. This is a symbiotic relationship that will last until one of us is proclaimed the victor, like the eagle continually gorging away at Perseus's innards. Oh, wait, you just LOST. You look like a banana who forgot their pajamas which, really, would have been an improvement on THIS.

And...for the best look of the evening....

I'm so doing this once mine is grown out.

Okay from now on they need to invite less people to these things because that just took way too long and now I need a drink...another drink.

See you all in hell!


Thursday, January 9, 2014

Poorly Dressed Little Liars

The People's Choice Awards (I still can't believe those are a thing) kicked off award season last night and I couldn't be more thrilled because it means that we are about to be deluged with an endless supply of red carpet pictures of celebrities, people who think they are celebrities, and people who just sleep with celebrities, all posing awkwardly and hating each other with a smile on their face and a pharmaceutical cocktail in their system.

Now, the PCA's are not the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, etc. They are fringe territory awkwardly balancing on the tip of award season like a angel dancing on the head of a crystal meth-studded pin. I think the major problem with this year's People's Choice Awards was that none of the attendees could remember their own age. Seriously, it was like they all had collective amnesia, or were going through some Freaky Friday shit because they pissed off their stylist-WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO. In the hierarchy of non-household staff the stylist ranks number 2 (just after the ghost writer you hired to help with your memoir) and should never be disrespected because they will RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Sandra Bullock
I get that forty is the new twenty and that thirty is now just two hot fifteen year old's, but fifty is still fifty and this dress is still making me mad.

Jennifer Hudson
J. Hud. I get it, you're a great girl and I totally love that you bought your assistant a house for Christmas (I got mine a yacht) but I'm going to have to use my least favorite word in the dictionary to describe this dress. Cheap. It looks like "you" found it balled up on the floor of a Forever21 changing room and were just like "screw the Valentino, this will do". Two other things: take off that damn watch, this isn't high school biology class, and also why are your toes like that? That just looks uncomfortable.

Anna Faris
Girlfriend, I know you aren't aging that great (seriously, sorry about that) but you don't need to remind everyone about your impending wrinkles by dressing like Jane Fonda. This would look amazing on Jane. In fact, she would look younger in this than you do. I'm gonna call her right now.

Kat Dennings
Either hem your skirt or get that weird (or totally genius?) leg-lengthening plastic surgery, because you look like a whorish milk maid. A whorish milk maid in need of an iron and some hem tape.

Jessica Alba
E!, that stunning beacon of disillusion, "loved" this Jason Wu dress. I, on the other hand, do not.

Naya Rivera
If you just cut it off at the waist down I love it, it's when you focus on the upper half of her body that I begin to have questions. Questions such as why do you look like Jennifer Lopez's infomercial peddling sister, or like what's up with that gold collar. Is it attached to the dress? Where is the missing cowbell? I don't know. 

Sarah Bareilles
Like actually this is so upsetting to me. It's just awful.  I have so many negative things to say that I'm just going to take the high road (or low road, depending on what that pill was that I just took) and let this dress/shoes/hair speak for itself. Can you hear it? It's saying HELP ME.

Allison Williams
Another dress that E! liked. I'm beginning to think that E! is entirely staffed by idiots. Also don't the panels in this remind you of pool chairs?

Nina Dobrev
I just can't stop picturing you showing up to the PCA's and this dress is entirely black, and then at some point someone shoved you into Lady Gaga and the glue keeping all the crystals to her dress hadn't dried and you came away looking like Rihanna had rolled you into a diamond blunt.

 Malin Ackerman
I can't believe I'm saying this, but look at her boobs. Don't they look a Between letting a kindergarten class scribble all over her dress and then giving them safety scissors to create that cleavage harness I just don't know what to think.

Melissa Joan Hart
MJH. I already didn't like you since Sabrina went off the air, but I had for the most part forgotten about you so it wasn't really an issue. Until now, now we have an issue.

Ashley Rickards
Who let you out of the hospital without taking off your body cast? Also take off those damn nude pumps. You aren't Kate Middleton.

Olga Fonda
Once I realized you weren't related to Jane I gave up all hope. Also why is there gravel on your boobs?

Allison Janney
I'm not here to criticize, if anything I'm here to be a support system, like spanx (ew) or xanax (yay). So take this in like a xanax and let the effortless chic do for you what Barney's does for me on a regular basis.

Melissa Rauch
I don't know who you are but I do know that women of a certain age shouldn't wear bangs. Also I'm just so confused about your dress. You know what this reminds me of?
 Enough said.

 Adelaide Kane
I'm gonna let you have this because I'm obsessed with that historical shitshow you star in, but I almost didn't. Almost. Now get out of here before I track you down and start forcibly applying more lace appliques to your dress.

God that was exhausting. I'm going back to bed.