Thursday, January 9, 2014

Poorly Dressed Little Liars

The People's Choice Awards (I still can't believe those are a thing) kicked off award season last night and I couldn't be more thrilled because it means that we are about to be deluged with an endless supply of red carpet pictures of celebrities, people who think they are celebrities, and people who just sleep with celebrities, all posing awkwardly and hating each other with a smile on their face and a pharmaceutical cocktail in their system.

Now, the PCA's are not the Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, etc. They are fringe territory awkwardly balancing on the tip of award season like a angel dancing on the head of a crystal meth-studded pin. I think the major problem with this year's People's Choice Awards was that none of the attendees could remember their own age. Seriously, it was like they all had collective amnesia, or were going through some Freaky Friday shit because they pissed off their stylist-WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO. In the hierarchy of non-household staff the stylist ranks number 2 (just after the ghost writer you hired to help with your memoir) and should never be disrespected because they will RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Sandra Bullock
I get that forty is the new twenty and that thirty is now just two hot fifteen year old's, but fifty is still fifty and this dress is still making me mad.

Jennifer Hudson
J. Hud. I get it, you're a great girl and I totally love that you bought your assistant a house for Christmas (I got mine a yacht) but I'm going to have to use my least favorite word in the dictionary to describe this dress. Cheap. It looks like "you" found it balled up on the floor of a Forever21 changing room and were just like "screw the Valentino, this will do". Two other things: take off that damn watch, this isn't high school biology class, and also why are your toes like that? That just looks uncomfortable.

Anna Faris
Girlfriend, I know you aren't aging that great (seriously, sorry about that) but you don't need to remind everyone about your impending wrinkles by dressing like Jane Fonda. This would look amazing on Jane. In fact, she would look younger in this than you do. I'm gonna call her right now.

Kat Dennings
Either hem your skirt or get that weird (or totally genius?) leg-lengthening plastic surgery, because you look like a whorish milk maid. A whorish milk maid in need of an iron and some hem tape.

Jessica Alba
E!, that stunning beacon of disillusion, "loved" this Jason Wu dress. I, on the other hand, do not.

Naya Rivera
If you just cut it off at the waist down I love it, it's when you focus on the upper half of her body that I begin to have questions. Questions such as why do you look like Jennifer Lopez's infomercial peddling sister, or like what's up with that gold collar. Is it attached to the dress? Where is the missing cowbell? I don't know. 

Sarah Bareilles
Like actually this is so upsetting to me. It's just awful.  I have so many negative things to say that I'm just going to take the high road (or low road, depending on what that pill was that I just took) and let this dress/shoes/hair speak for itself. Can you hear it? It's saying HELP ME.

Allison Williams
Another dress that E! liked. I'm beginning to think that E! is entirely staffed by idiots. Also don't the panels in this remind you of pool chairs?

Nina Dobrev
I just can't stop picturing you showing up to the PCA's and this dress is entirely black, and then at some point someone shoved you into Lady Gaga and the glue keeping all the crystals to her dress hadn't dried and you came away looking like Rihanna had rolled you into a diamond blunt.

 Malin Ackerman
I can't believe I'm saying this, but look at her boobs. Don't they look a Between letting a kindergarten class scribble all over her dress and then giving them safety scissors to create that cleavage harness I just don't know what to think.

Melissa Joan Hart
MJH. I already didn't like you since Sabrina went off the air, but I had for the most part forgotten about you so it wasn't really an issue. Until now, now we have an issue.

Ashley Rickards
Who let you out of the hospital without taking off your body cast? Also take off those damn nude pumps. You aren't Kate Middleton.

Olga Fonda
Once I realized you weren't related to Jane I gave up all hope. Also why is there gravel on your boobs?

Allison Janney
I'm not here to criticize, if anything I'm here to be a support system, like spanx (ew) or xanax (yay). So take this in like a xanax and let the effortless chic do for you what Barney's does for me on a regular basis.

Melissa Rauch
I don't know who you are but I do know that women of a certain age shouldn't wear bangs. Also I'm just so confused about your dress. You know what this reminds me of?
 Enough said.

 Adelaide Kane
I'm gonna let you have this because I'm obsessed with that historical shitshow you star in, but I almost didn't. Almost. Now get out of here before I track you down and start forcibly applying more lace appliques to your dress.

God that was exhausting. I'm going back to bed.



1 comment:

  1. The hem lines on these are terrible, why is everything so long? These ladies are actresses, not models.