Monday, January 6, 2014

Let's Talk About It

It's been a few days since the ball dropped (haha ball drop) and I've finally ceased my celebrations and sobered up (sort of). That is because I believe that New Year's is like Miley's birthday: it cannot be contained into just ONE day. It needs its proper due, and that kind of constant alcohol consumption should really be spaced out over a week.

Naturally I don't remember everything that happened (I mean, I can't even remember stuff that happened when I'm sober so...) but here is some of the stuff that I DO remember:

I got asked out by a Hasidic Jewish man on the street. 
Welcome to Brooklyn. In the adventurous spirit of the new year I gave him my number. And then refused to answer his calls.

I won a dance contest against an angry Pygmie. 
She might not have been a pygmie, she was just short, extremely rude, and in really bad lighting. 

I ate Jellyfish for the first time. It was disgusting.
 It was, besides alcohol, my first-and hopefully only-calorie of 2014. 

I took a round of shots with Marc Jacobs, Meryl Streep, and Nora Ephron's ghost.
That was fun.

I sang karaoke with Bjork
We killed Welcome To The Jungle.

I sent Heather Locklear an apology bouquet.
Little does she know the "water" is actually cat pee.

Commandeered a Party Bus from Charlie Sheen
And turned it into a "Patty Bus" by making black skinny jeans and boots a requirement for entry.  The only drink available was Patron. I think I saw Helen there.

I stole the Declaration of Independence.
Screw you Nicholas Cage, I don't care that you did it first. 

I called the cops on Kylie Jenner
Girl has got to stop drinking and driving.

My landlord got murdered.
I kind of want to solve the case. I've already planned out my detective outfit.

Most of that was true.



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