Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Grab Life By The Globes

Oh my god. So much happened at the Golden Globes that my head is still having difficulty processing it all.  Uma Thurman and I sat together and stared daggers at Zoe Saldana's dress, I did shots with P. Diddy in the bathroom (this was right before the Let It Floooooooow moment) and the whole time I just wanted Jennifer Lawrence to trip and fall in her Dior and start making it a thing that she just does whenever she gets an award.

While I could talk about how much shade Gwyneth was throwing (love you, Goopy) or about how happy I was that Anne Hathaway and her nipples weren't present, I'm going to talk about the only thing that really matters when it comes to award shows: the clothes.


Uma Thurman
See, this is hard for me because out of any celebrity Uma and I have the most similar birth charts, so I like to always think that we would make very similar choices (hello, can't you just picture me in Kill Bill?) and while she did do a very Patty thing and wear black, I just can't quite...eh...

Actually no, I would totally wear this. 

Taylor Swift
Shut up. No one cares you cut your hair. There's a special place in hell for women like you.

Amber Heard
I love everything about this except for one thing: that damn pelvic crease. It makes her look like a mannequin and that's where the top half and the bottom half are connected. You could swivel her torso like a barbie. But other than that FLAWLESS.

Cate Blanchett
She won for starring in a movie that was essentially based on me and a bender from 2009. She wins everything, every time.

Minnie Driver
I love this I just hate her Michael Jackson hair. Also-and I mean this in a totally non bitchy way-but her face is so angular you could probably draw a pentagram on it. Love you, Minnie!

Heidi Klum
I'm conflicted because part of me loves this whorey-Spaniard lady pimp look, but part of me also knows that it's been ten years since 2004.

Julie Bowen
At first I didn't care for this, but it's growing on me. Granted the color scheme is a little too Gucci S/S '07, but I'm willing to look beyond that and just appreciate the fact that she looks super skinny.

Sandra Bullock

 Paula Patton
  Seriously just what the hell? This could have been so sexy if she just didn't have that shamwow ruffle or attempt to look like a tampax commercial. Also when she said that thing about liking strange men? Yeah, no shit, your husband is Robin Thicke and he's a huge perv.

Kate Beckinsale
I love you, you skinny micro chip. 

Helen Mirren
Helen, you flawless minx, you. I will bear your children (aka I will hire a surrogate because ew stretchmarks).

Rashida Jones
Okay I would love this dress if only the golden palm trees were ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the only thing I can think of that would be worst would be a swastika. I just don't get it. Why a god damn palm tree motif? You're like a walking ad for In-N-Out. I love you otherwise, R-dog.

Jessica Chastain
Her dress looks like Madame X by Sargent and it is FABULOUS. Her hair looks like she just had raging sex in her limo on the way to the show which is also FABULOUS.

 Zoe Saldana
At first I just assumed this was Prada because it's so ugly, but it turns out it's Prabal Gurung and that he told poor Zoe that she was the "only one" who could wear it. I wonder what dirt he has on her because there's so much going on here and most of it looks like it came from Michael's.

Emma Roberts
You look good (read: the dress looks good) but you're the reason Jessica Lange lost.

Julia Roberts
 I'm really not down with this whole Carolina Herrera/Evening gown hybrid. It's like she is an executive who just came from a board meeting and had to change in the limo and forgot to take off her shirt before putting on her dress. It's very Martha Stewart, but it's not a good thing.

Kaley Cuoco
I don't know if I'm missing a chromosome or I mixed up my pills, but I actually kind of like this. It's like she's an Impressionist painter's pirate mistress. DREAM JOB.

Sofia Vergara
Her skirts double as a feather duster/vacuum combo. If you had been there you would have realized they emitted a low whirring noise wherever she went.

J. LAW. WHAT HAPPENED? The haircut was already such a kick in the pants and now this? It looks like Dior ran out of fabric and decided to just make your dress with Charmin tp and jumper cables. I get that you're the face of CD but you can say no sometimes.

 Reese Witherspoon
 I just have one question and one question only: did you buy this dress at Lululemon?

Emma Thompson
Is she aging in reverse? Yes. Is she the baddest bitch ever? Yes. Is she smarter than you? Yes. Is she smarter than me? Maybe.

Gabourey Sidibe
She looks flawless and any haters can kiss my big black soul. 

Robin Wright
 This is how one does class. Absorb it like a plant absorbs sunlight or my liver absorbs alcohol.

Sarah Paulson
Once again proving that not every lesbian has to wear a tux to these things *coughJanecoughEllen*.

Jacqueline Bisset
Dear Jackie, thank you for setting the tone for the evening with your incredibly slow walking and your batshit harvest eve dress. I love you.

Drew Barrymore
You look like a Valentine's day card made by a room full of gay first grade boys. Chic.

Naomi Watts
Can we all finally agree that sideboob is over? Even that bitch in blue next to you is like "seriously, another tit?" Yes. Another tit.

Lena Dunham
You are my worst nightmare. I am yours. This is a symbiotic relationship that will last until one of us is proclaimed the victor, like the eagle continually gorging away at Perseus's innards. Oh, wait, you just LOST. You look like a banana who forgot their pajamas which, really, would have been an improvement on THIS.

And...for the best look of the evening....

I'm so doing this once mine is grown out.

Okay from now on they need to invite less people to these things because that just took way too long and now I need a drink...another drink.

See you all in hell!


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