Tuesday, June 24, 2014

If I Tell You To Jump Off A Bridge I'm Probably Drunk

The other day was apparently the first day of summer; I don't know how anyone decided this since no one consulted me on the subject, but whatever. It's summer, and that's just great. Since my What's In & What's Out for Spring 2014 post was so popular, I thought I'd do another installment for Summer so you don't have to worry about being on your a-game.

See below for all that is chic and less chic for Summer 2014.

Cancelling TV Shows
Refuting jelly, but accepting jam
Any issue of VOGUE with Sharon Stone on the cover
Saying "Yes"
My hair
One Olsen twin
Rooms kept permanently at 68 degrees
Emergency procedures
Breaking cars with sledgehammers
Cara Delevingne's acting career
Cigarettes, but only if you're me or Kate Moss
Jupiter entering Leo
High ceilings
Shag carpets
Blue-veined Marble
Ancient Art
Having a farm
Sending a pot of dirt instead of flowers
Wheat embellishments
La Roux
Finding children on church doorsteps
Whitney Houston impersonators
The Donner Party
Geri Halliwell's solo career
Sienna Miller's baby
Anything "chia", be it pets, puddings, or something else I'm not aware of that is chia related.
Quvenzhané Wallis

Saying "No"
Tiffany Lamps
Emma Roberts
Madonna's arms
Edible Arrangements
Supernatural beings
Cigarettes, but only if you aren't me or Kate Moss
Quoting Maya Angelou
The other Olsen twin
Government jobs
Alec Baldwin
Grocery Stores
Nautical themed anything
Water skiing
Office environments 
Wearing sunglasses indoors
Modern Art
UN Summits
Music Festivals
Corn Syrup

Also, here are some photos I've pulled that scream summer to me like a Real Housewife of New Jersey (really, any housewife from NJ will do). You should make a vision board for your summer, too.

I know, without me you would be lost.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Are You Afraid of the Dark (liquor)?

Today the barista at Dean & Deluca put whole milk in my latte instead of skim, as I had requested. After feeling faint and having to lay down upon my chaise longue, this got me to thinking about fear.
We all have fears, like, what if they forget to put the dressing on the side of my seared tuna & kale salad and I'm too cross-faded to make a fuss? Or what if I lose track of my teacup husky (that's a thing now) and I find it three weeks later expired inside my Balenciaga bag? (#whatsthatsmell?)

Now, I know a lot of you look up to me, mainly because I never go anywhere in flat shoes, so I thought I would help all of us grow by airing some of the terrifying thoughts that keep me up at night. Below I've listed ten of my biggest fears; hopefully this will encourage you to do the same thing, and by doing so begin the process of confronting your own personal demons.

Just remember that this, like the trunk of my car, is a safe space. 

Diet Coke
Terrifying because it's even worse for you than its already sadistic sibling, regular Coke. Just do what I do and stick to the holy trinity: water, green tea, and alcohol.

Rosie O'Donnell
 Because you know that instead of hiring an assasin she would kill you herself.

Bruce Jenner's Adams Apple
Is it there? Is it not there? I don't know but I need a concrete answer.

Back Sweat
I shouldn't need to elaborate.


Becoming Beth from Little Women
No one wants to be Beth. I'm totally Amy, but I'd also settle for Jo.

Who the hell knows what they are hiding down there.

I'd rather try Sears. Besides, then what would happen to this blog?

I have the best damn head of hair in the Tri-State area. Plus, if I still have it when I'm old I want to look like this:

They are always up to some kind of socialist bullshit. GET BACK TO YOUR POTATO FIELD.

The following future deaths:
Jane Fonda
Hillary Clinton
Anna Wintour
Tom Ford
Karl Lagerfeld
Judi Dench
Maggie Smith
Antonia Fraser
Lena Dunham

I know, you're shocked by that last one, but the hatred fuels my daily existence. Without her, I would be nothing.


Word to your mother.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons...Master Cleanse.

It's easy to get stressed out in this day and age, and while I think xanax prescirptions should totally be readily available to everyone the world over, I know that that's not possible for various hazy reasons-or so the DEA keeps telling me.  Instead, many of us have to deal with the mundane (hate that word) crappiness of day-to-day life and find a way to cope, xanax-free. Now, I am many things, but mundane (again, totally hate that word) is not one of them, and neither is crappy, but that doesn't mean I don't get stressed out. It's emotions I try to avoid-stress is a whole other issue. That being said, there are so many different ways to cope with stress that I'm sure you haven't considered, besides pills.

Let Patty help.

Sit under a waterfall for two hours
Do it during your lunch break; it's so rejuvenating and completely fat-free.

Listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat without moving until your philosophical wounds heal
Only your eyes may move, and that movement must be expelling tears.

Find a Panda and become its friend
 And then go on to star in a movie about it.

Plan a search mission for Atlantis
Honestly, this is more fun on Ambien, but it does restore your faith in childish innocence. Or you just black out.

Hire a sherpa, have him follow you around everywhere you go
He can usher you through Soho when it's crowded with tourists and people who walk too slowly (you know who you are and I hate all of you).

Move to a mountaintop and revel in the bucolic nature of it all by living like Heidi
 But do not forget to bring your maid.

Make a vision board
Then set it on fire. Fire is cleansing, apparently *coughediesedgwickcough*

Get on a yacht
Preferably with a Casiraghi, and bonus points if Caroline is there. 

Hang out with Eva Longoria
Girlfriend knows how to party.

Go to Switzerland
So god damn calming you could just die. Ditto Belgium. 

Do something you've always thought about doing, but never have
Chelsea Clinton and I had the BEST night at Medieval Times. We bought swords and drank with peasants (LOL).

Create a shrine. Worship daily
I have one dedicated to Kate Moss in my room. It really gets me focused.

Eat something
You earned it, I guess. (did you?)

Tracy Anderson your way through it
This woman is everything. She does Gwyneth, OKAY?

Realize you are better than all that
I mean, I know I am.

I hope you feel better.