Thursday, May 29, 2014

Saying Goodbye To Maya Angelou More Tastefully Than You Did

Whenever a significantly intelligent person dies people become total Kardashians and start posting all kinds of inspirational quotes by said dead person, quotes which they never even came across until said person was six feet under. I'm not going to get on a xanax-induced high-horse and say I was an ardent fan of Maya Angelou; I certainly respected her, but in a distant, peripheral manner, much like how I respect the genius of Stephen Hawking, or Proust, or Lisa Vanderpump.

In honor of a great mind I'm going to stand and salute where a salute is due, but god dammit I am going to do it on my terms. Maya wouldn't have had it any other way-I'm sure there's a quote about that somewhere, so without further ado, let's talk some of my favorite Maya Angelou moments, which, full disclaimer, I was hardly aware of until she decided it was time for another go at the circle of life.

Here she is in Vogue. I shouldn't have to explain myself.

 I love a great ikat print (you just learned something) and those colors would make my eyes pop.

 This expression is already so fierce, but the jewels really take is up a level. Also, I need that ring more than I need my liver.

All I really have to say about this picture is who the hell is that Sesame Street character? I have never seen that purple-nosed bastard before in my life.

I don't know whether those petals are made out of abalone shells or the bleached fingertips of her enemies, but either way she's serving us some Chanel-status class right here.

I feel like if I woke up to this every day, my life couldn't really be that bad. Is that weird? Whatever.

If I made this post more about me than her, then I did the right thing. Maya, I poured out a bottle of Chanel No. 19 for you. Cheers.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Met Gala 2014: Lena Dunham, I still don't like you.

Well, the social event of the year has come and gone and now all I have to look forward to in my future is aging gracefully; just kidding, I don't age-I sold my soul to the devil a long time ago to make sure that never happens. Now let's cut the crap and talk fashion. Last night some celebrities showed up dressed as Disney characters, some as tampons, and some shouldn't have even been there to begin with. This post is a long one, so crack open a beer, light up a spliff, and pop your preferred pills because we have a lot to discuss.

Anna Wintour
As always she is wearing Chanel Couture, and while I love Chanel more than my own family, Anna ALWAYS CHOOSES THE WORST DRESSES. It's like she's a topiary constructed from the beaten carcass of a pinata. 

Lupita N'yongo
I'm torn here, like so torn I may need stitches, therapy, and a xanax prescription once this is all done. If you read my Oscars post (if you didn't then what the hell is wrong with you?) you know how much I love Lupita and her fashion choices but this is All I can think about is how uncomfortable it will be for her to sit down, but whatever, I'm going to let this slide and pretend I didn't see anything. 

Kristen Wiig
Hate the hair and makeup, but let's be real, I would probably wear that...outfit? Yeah, let's just call it an outfit.

Kristen Stewart
She looks like the slutty feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.

Kate Upton
...she looks like a whorish Mary Poppins...which I'm okay with.

Chloe Moretz
Again, it's Chanel, and again I hate it. Seriously, nothing about this is good.

Dakota Johnson
WHY ARE YOU THERE AND I AM NOT? 50 SHADES OF GREY HASN'T EVEN FINISHED FILMING. But you are kind of giving some S&M action with those gloves, so good job sticking with a theme, I guess.

Lea Michelle
Do you think the gold inner tube deflated while she was in the car on the way there?

Elizabeth Olsen

Diane Kruger
I know you had to do a double take because you thought that was me, but sadly no. Either way she is so far the only one pulling off Chanel couture this evening...WHICH SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT SINCE THE DRESS COST SIX FIGURES.

Solange Knowles
Why did you think this looked good? Seriously, who told you it was okay to wear that? Do what I did to my boss and FIRE THEM.

Sarah Jessica Parker
I have no words.

Kendall Jenner
I'm not gonna beat around the bush: this is just stupid. The post-coital mermaid hair, the weird boob flaps, the general shape...just stop. Also I'm pretty sure it's from Topshop which is almost as bad as wearing Tommy Hilfiger at the Met.

Katie Holmes
I don't doubt for one second that she took one of Suri's dress up clothes and had it made in her size. She looks like a Disney princess who never heard of this great thing called an iron...wielded by a maid, of course.

Olivia Munn
I've heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan-and I didn't like any of it.

Mary-Kate & Ashley
I honestly think they are just fucking with us now.

I don't think I've ever disliked her more than right now, and I'm 99% certain it has something to do with that pose.

Sarah Silverman
Never in a million years did I expect SS to clean up so damn well. I'm going to call it right now, she's on the shortlist for best dressed of the evening.

Sarah Paulson
Excuse her, she didn't have time to change. She LITERALLY just flew in from the Emerald City. But whatever, at least she continues to defy the lesbians-in-suits-and-flats trend, which otherwise dominates that circle of life.

Shailene Woodley
OKAY bear with me. I know you aren't expecting this but...I don't actually hate this. In a way I am kind of digging it, but maybe because it is just so bat-shit crazy ugly that in my mind it circled around and become cute again. WHATEVER.

Victoria Beckham
I fucking love Posh, but this is just a total snooze fest. I WANTED YOU IN A BALLGOWN, NOT A TOWEL.

Cara Delevigne
I LOVE THIS-what I don't love is the fact that you and Michelle Rodriguez have gone your separate ways.

Selena Gomez
All I can think about when I see you is the fact that you can't let Justin Bieber go, and for that I judge you more than any clothing choice you make.

Allison Williams
Hate that color on you, but we don't have to talk about it. And stop looking so smug-you could give Christian Bale a run for his hardly-earned money.

Rosie Huntington Whitley
While I'm inclined to give you points for bucking convention and trying something else, in the end you just look so out of place I don't even know what to do with you...besides frown upon you.

Nicole Richie
Fuck. Yes.

Emmy Rossum
I'm actually enjoying this to a certain degree-it's like she is going to a tea party but doesn't know that it will be shroom tea on tap.

Bradley Cooper
HOW DARE YOU show up to the MET GALA looking like Zach Galifianakis? Do you have any idea how few calories every other person there has been living off of, and you show up looking like you've been prepping to play Peter Griffin in the real-life adaptation of Family Guy. No wonder Suki arrived without you.

Anna Kendrick
Big improvement from the Oscars, BIG improvement. 

Karolina Kurkova
It's like she's an origami ballerina and that is just great.

Crissy Tiegen
Just being real girl, you have THE WORST red carpet style I've seen in a long time. You should honestly not go anywhere unless you are wearing a swimsuit. I expected your husband to do better, frankly. See that woman in the printed ballgown behind you? THAT is how you are supposed to dress for this thing, and not like a sea slug.

Rita Ora
You look like a god damn Christmas present. Unless you are hiding a new bag from Saint Laurent for me under your skirts, just stop.

Rachel McAdams
I am so bored by this I could just die. Wake me up when she's gone.

Suki Waterhouse
I don't care for you but I do like this dress. Also, I'm sorry your boyfriend got fat.

Tom Ford
I love you, you sexy bastard.

NPH & David Burka
Normally I don't like to talk smack about the gays, because they will cut you and rub glitter in your wounds-believe me, I know, I've done it-but...THIS IS JUST GOD DAMN STUPID. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED I CAN'T EVEN DEAL. IF I DIDN'T HATE LENA DUNHAM SO MUCH YOU WOULD BOTH BE WORST-DRESSED OF THE EVENING. If I had been there I would have started booing.

Gabrielle Union
Is it event appropriate? Maybe not. Do I like it a whole lot? Yes, yes I do.

Michelle Williams
Understated, and fabulous; perhaps not entirely event appropriate-it's like she'd going to her junior prom-but she still looks good and that's all that matters in life, right?

Janelle Monae

Brie Larson
Who...are you? A C3PO impersonator? A backup dancer from Katy Perry's Dark Horse? I don't know.

Margot Robbie
Your dress looks like it was made out of a broken computer from 1997.

Diana Agron
This dress just screams instant regret.

Emma Stone
Honestly, I expected better. It's like you don't even care about my opinion anymore.

Adriana Lima
Honestly, I didn't expect better, and I most certainly didn't get it.

Charlize Theron

Anne Hathaway
I HATE that I like this, but I like that I still hate Anne.
Alexa Chung

Lily Allen
Chanel, again, and again, I'm feeling let down. You look like something a hotel maid pushes around on her cart.

Jessica Alba
Your makeup looks like it was the result of a challenge on Ru Paul's drag race. 

I will be the first to admit I don't always *get* Beyonce, but I feel like I have to love her or the Beygency (or the gays) will come after me. But this dress...just no. Just say no. It makes her look huge, and I don't mean in the popularity sense.

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
Kim actually looks pretty good, but then again this is just such an improvement from last year's Givenchy couch that it hardly even matters. Kanye, we can talk when you stop being a gemini.

Lena Dunham
As per usual I save the worst for last, and as per usual Lena Dunham called dibs on that spot. I much hatred. She looks like a five year old whose mom just said "screw it, you can dress yourself for school today." And honestly the dress wouldn't be SO BAD if she wasn't the one wearing it; that seems to happen a lot.

That took WAY to long-they need to start inviting less people to these things-or just start inviting me and I'll learn to deal.