Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Ah, fall. Fall is, in my opinion, the chicest time of the year. You can wear your leather pants again without that unpleasant sticking sensation, you can drink cider without looking naive, and you no longer have an excuse to dress like a whore. Basically, autumn separates the champions from the children, the elite from the basics, the Gwyneth Paltrows from the Lauren Conrads.

To get you prepped for the season here is everything you need to be as stylish and on point as possible over the next few months. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Hemp Milk
Haider Ackermann
Attempting Veganism
Anywhere You Can Get Mauled By A Lion
The Autumn Equinox
Poetic Apathy
Nintendo 64
Apple Picking with Meryl Streep and Matt Damon
Ochre (look it up)
Reflective Surfaces (always chic)
Overpriced flannels
Petting Zoos
Being Sexually Attracted to Jesus Christ
Kate Middleton's 2nd Pregnancy
Having A Pregnant Friend (again)

Any Animal Product Besides Leather
Andy Cohen
Lauren Conrad
Middle America
Fourth of July
Fast Food
Fast Fashion
Fast Women
Anything You Read On HuffPo
Suede Underwear

If you need me I'll be in Miley Cyrus's trunk.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

10 Reasons To NEVER Have Children

So I'm sure you've all heard that my soul sister Kate Middleton is pregnant AGAIN. I remember being at little George's baby shower while he was still just a frozen pizza warming in her belly...ew. Babies. The only ones worth having are royal ones to carry on culture and taste, but beyond that no one needs to have a child. You know why? Because instead of having a child here are some things you could do that are way more interesting:

See The World
Unless you want to bring a stroller through customs and deal with a screaming infant on endless flights, then you're better off barren. Only have a child if you can do what my parents did and hire a saucy Dutch nanny to smack some sense into your children when you're not around.

Fight The Mummy
Did you see the Mummy 2?  Do you have any idea how much trouble that little fucker caused? HE WAS WHY THE MUMMY CAME BACK. So, not only are children useless, they are also dangerous.

Go To Space
That childhood dream of yours just died with your child's birth.

Conquer A Nation
Did Alexander the Great have a child? Not that I'm aware of; probs because he was gay.

Stay Thin
I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian.

Have Sex
I'm fairly certain that it's a proven fact that once you have children you stop having sex. That's just science. I assume big families must adopt after baby #1.

Buy Stuff
All your money will be going to that little shit, so why even bother?
Be A Superhero
 Did Batman have a child? Superman? Aquaman? No. Not even Wonder Woman was held down by the umbilical cord.

Become A Spy
Same argument as above, but consider James Bond, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and even Carmen Sandiego. You can't do cool shit while wearing a baby bjorn!

Have A Dream
Children ruin EVERYTHING.

I bet you all feel super bad for being born now, don't you? Your parents do, anyways.