Thursday, September 11, 2014

10 Reasons To NEVER Have Children

So I'm sure you've all heard that my soul sister Kate Middleton is pregnant AGAIN. I remember being at little George's baby shower while he was still just a frozen pizza warming in her belly...ew. Babies. The only ones worth having are royal ones to carry on culture and taste, but beyond that no one needs to have a child. You know why? Because instead of having a child here are some things you could do that are way more interesting:

See The World
Unless you want to bring a stroller through customs and deal with a screaming infant on endless flights, then you're better off barren. Only have a child if you can do what my parents did and hire a saucy Dutch nanny to smack some sense into your children when you're not around.

Fight The Mummy
Did you see the Mummy 2?  Do you have any idea how much trouble that little fucker caused? HE WAS WHY THE MUMMY CAME BACK. So, not only are children useless, they are also dangerous.

Go To Space
That childhood dream of yours just died with your child's birth.

Conquer A Nation
Did Alexander the Great have a child? Not that I'm aware of; probs because he was gay.

Stay Thin
I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian.

Have Sex
I'm fairly certain that it's a proven fact that once you have children you stop having sex. That's just science. I assume big families must adopt after baby #1.

Buy Stuff
All your money will be going to that little shit, so why even bother?
Be A Superhero
 Did Batman have a child? Superman? Aquaman? No. Not even Wonder Woman was held down by the umbilical cord.

Become A Spy
Same argument as above, but consider James Bond, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and even Carmen Sandiego. You can't do cool shit while wearing a baby bjorn!

Have A Dream
Children ruin EVERYTHING.

I bet you all feel super bad for being born now, don't you? Your parents do, anyways.



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