Thursday, November 28, 2013


Like every other American, this is the one day a year I take to actually stop and think about how lucky I am. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, like the fact that the guy from blue collar comedy didn't win Dancing With The Stars, or that Gossip Girl is no longer on the air (seriously I don't think anyone could handle another season of that. And what the hell about Dan actually being Gossip Girl? Like wtf? this some Rocky Horror bullshit). Here's what I'm thankful for this year, and you should be too:

For keeping me KO'd when I need it.

For giving me a false sense of superiority over other people. 

Princess Charlene's Regret
For reminding us that for every Kate Middleton, there's another princess dying on the inside day by day. STAY STRONG CHARLENE.

Karl Lagerfeld
For being so demure.

That Acid Trip from 2011
I don't remember it that well, but I did meet the Care Bears and that was pretty cool.

My Many Au Pair's
For teaching me to never do something for myself when I can pay someone else to do it for me.

Jupiter in the 10th House
For basically guaranteeing that I'm going to be famous.

Eye Drops
For letting me be stoned in public since 2007.

Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape
Without it we wouldn't have 75% of today's pop culture.

My Middle Finger
It got a lot of use in 2013.

For being fun.

The Spice Girls
For teaching me about feminism in the 90s.

Prince Carl Philip of Sweden
For those amazing three hours we spent in the back of his Jaguar.

My Native American Blood.
For giving me something to bitch about today.

Gwyneth Paltrow
For guiding me through the dark times. Thank you for everything, Gwyneth. 

God that was EXHAUSTING.

Alright I'm going to go eye the food preparations with a mix of apprehension and distrust.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Green Auras: The Afterschool Special

Let me take a minute away from these hectic last few days (celebrating Miley's birthday is a week-long affair) to get serious about something. I don't like to brag about it too much, but I went to a very good college. I know, I know, you're all like "but Patty you're too pretty to go to school" and you're totally right, but, just as Belle and Nicole Richie proved, brains make us more interesting than our uneducated counterparts. Of course that doesn't mean I'm innocent of having ever done something less than intelligent. I made a poorly informed decision here or there when I was an undergrad at Sarah Lawrence (cut to 4/20 freshman year when I ran around with a cross made out of two giant construction paper spliffs and then tried to light it on fire on the north lawn) but I never did anything this ill-considered:
If you haven't seen "Green Auras" by Daniel Day-Lewis and Isabelle Adjani's prodigy and newest Sarah Lawrence College fixture, Gabe Day Lewis (or no Lewis? I haven't decided how he feels about that yet), then you are doing yourself both a favor and a disservice. I'm hoping this goes viral, and am going to do all I can to make sure it does, because it's honestly a treasure in that sweet & sour, amazing & cringe-worthy way. Essentially it's four minutes of first world problems and weed, which is basically the most Sarah Lawrence thing ever. Either watch the video right now in its entire awkwardness, or just keep reading to see how I feel about it (aka why you're here):

Gabe, obviously you are a freshman since you don't seem to realize the swings are social suicide, but then again if you made this video you must be pretty ignorant to the whole idea of social suicide. Also loving the security shuttle in the background; if that's Cindy tell her whatup for me.

"Judging someone for their dad is just as bad as being racist."
...this is worse than the time Justin Bieber peed in that bucket.

I'm assuming that in order to get these extras you supplied them with two boxes of franzia in lieu of payment? I remember how these things work. Also, girl in red glasses in lower left-hand corner, I recognize you and I'm ashamed for you.

"To those who think they know me, because they know my dad, he's in film right so my life's been more exposed than yours has."
Calm down Kim Kardashian, I didn't even know you existed until this cinematic abortion came into my life.

 "I've been kicking it on campus, SLC"
Gabe, I spent four years on that damn campus, and you do not "kick it".

 "Just another stoop kid, doing lots of stoop shit, but never acting stupid, nah."
I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

And then there's this:

In summation:

1. Take out that god damn earring and lose the Africa necklace. I know, you can't just ask someone why they're white, but COME ON.

2. Smoke less weed. And that's coming from me, who spent 72 hours stuck in Tommy Chong's car with Natasha Lyonne and Vanessa Redgrave because we were too stoned to figure out how to open the door.

3. Who is your don? I'm writing them a letter.

I don't ever want to see you at Wild Ginger when I visit.


p.s. Loved your mom in La Reine Margot.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Miley...we need to talk.

So I get this text from the girl I'm sponsoring (karma!) and it's this selfie:


Miley. I thought you were kidding when you sent me that snapchat of bleach. I thought your clothes were the biggest cry for help you could scream internally and project onto the masses. I thought that eating twenty-five pounds of chocolate couldn't make you feel anything but regret, but apparently it also makes you feel stoned, so there's a silver lining.

That being said, there is only one person who is allowed/can have/look fierce/be majestic/remind me of god/pull off this look:

Go home, Miley. Go home.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Patty's Favorite Things

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been, and if you haven't been then you're dead to me. My arch-nemesis Heather Locklear roofied me at the Isabel Marant + H&M launch party (I still don't know how she managed to get in) and I woke up in a Thai jail 36 hours later with nothing but a bag of cat tranquilizers she'd planted on me and my Ray-Ban's. Between not having access to GOOP, being the only blond guy and then having the tranqs taken away, things were pretty rough. I spent most of my time astral projecting, or on the phone with my psychic; I was having her channel Robert Kardashian's ghost so that we could work on my defense. If he helped get OJ off then he could definitely get me out of that hell hole.

I also took the time to think about giving, because I'm nice like that. I love giving. It's like losing weight. You feel good about yourself and it's an excuse to go shopping.

Here are some of the things I'll be giving this Holiday season:

Miniature Horses, $750-$1,500
Animals that are just smaller versions of other animals are EVERYTHING. Get one or two or seven and name them after the dwarfs from Snow White.

Chanel Fishing Rod, $18,000
I know that if my grandfather was still alive I'd get this for him. That being said I'll probably just get it for myself.

This 18th Century Chateau, $24,300,000
Think about how weird the parties could get. You would have to put in a pool, though.

Vieille Bon Secours Ale, $1200
I like to use this specifically for beer pong.

Steen Ipsen "Organic 1", Price Upon Request
Don't give it to anyone violent, or to anyone who does a lot of PCP. Do give it to a friend while they are tripping on acid or shrooms.

Luxury Yacht, $40,000,000
The gift that keeps on giving.

Fendi Bag Buggies, $700
 The most useless way to let someone know you care.

Alex & Lee Necklace, Price Upon Request
I'd put this in a gift basket along with glow sticks, salvia, and a DVD of Dark Crystal.  

 A Private Island in Nova Scotia, $86,395
For the person in in your life rocking the 21st century Ingmar Bergman vibe.

Louis Vuitton Suitcase, $8,400
 Think of all the things you could smuggle in here!

A Two-Episode Guest Arc on The Mindy Project, Price Upon Request
The best way to show you care is to help make that person famous.

Visionaire Back Issue, $175-$1500
Nothing is chicer that paying a lot for a little. 

I'm giving these all to myself, by the way.



Monday, November 4, 2013

Louis Vuitton Gets Saved

I've been hibernating during this Mercury Retrograde period because what else am I going to do but renew the insurance policy on my closet and make sure my chakra's are aligned in preparation for Venus' four month stay in Capricorn starting this week. But even more important, WWD announced today that the rumors are in fact true and that Nicolas Ghesquière will be replacing Marc Jacobs at Louis Vuitton. Thank you Jesus. I haven't purchased Louis Vuitton since 2007 so hopefully Nicolas will inject it with some much needed chicness to lure me back into their stores. To be frank most of Marc Jacobs's shows lately have been more of a bad adderal trip than anything, and I believe Ghesquière is the xanax we need to get back into the light. In anticipation of this holy union let us review some of Ghesquière's best moments from his years at Balenciaga:

Moving your arms freely is for commoners.

A sumo wrestler would call this a mini dress.

 Don't just dance under a disco ball. BE THE DISCO BALL.

 It looks like she could punch someone with her boob.

If I was in charge of football this is what the players/uniforms would look like.

The first full look I ever bought from Balenciaga. I wore it when I went to go visit Martha behind bars; we had so much fun that day.  

 Remember 2007? I can't except for this outfit.

I was at the LA store the same day as Lindsey Lohan back in 2006. She bought the white top from this look and I bought the black. She then asked me if I wanted to go get a drink and I said yes. I introduced her to Sam Ronson that night.

I would wear this almost everyday in Stockholm when I was learning how to build yachts there back in '09, with the white face paint, naturally.

 I got in a bidding war with a Russian Oligarch's wife trying to get the top from this look on ebay. She won it in the end but she also won the clap from her husband so I feel like I actually won.

 I wore this during a very intense vision quest in Croatia when I wanted to get in touch with my inner vigilante.

 Chloë Sevigny and I both showed up to Max Fish on the same night in this. It was so awkward.

 One time I wore this at Cannes and Gerard Depardieu slapped my ass.

 This reminds me that I have to do yoga.

Part 2: A Very Critical (bitchy) Review of Marc Jacobs' time at Louis Vuitton, coming soon!


Photos courtesy of