Saturday, December 28, 2013

Out With the Old, In With The More Expensive

That time of year is upon us. We've opened our presents, said thank you to santa and zombie jesus, taken shrooms with out moms, and had a lovely holiday season. But it's not over yet-no, not yet. SO CLOSE, but still there is the inevitable NEW YEARS EVE. We have to think "what have I done this year? What have I achieved? I don't know, I was high for a lot of it. Isn't that right, Helen?"
"That's right, Patty."
"What have you done this year, Helen?"
"Well, I didn't kill anyone and committed very little theft, so it was a really good year."
"I'm so glad to hear it, Helen."
"I did do some messed up shit though; I almost drowned a cat and-"
"No one wants to hear it, Helen."

With no further adieu, or whatever, here are my resolutions for 2014. I hope you learned a lot in 2013. I sure did.

Divine my Spirit Animal.
Is it a cat? Is it a fox? A swan? Kate Moss's left boob? I don't know but I would like to figure it out.

Learn To Photosynthesize
I'm trying to get closer to nature and lower my calorie intake at the same time. If I can figure out how to absorb sunlight for sustenance that would make cutting out gluten so much easier.

Meet a Princess
In 2013 I met my first Duke, so in 2014 I've decided I'm going to meet my first Princess. I've set the bar low though and decided she doesn't need to have been born to royalty; I'll accept a commoner. I'm looking at you, Charlene.

Drink 5 Scorpion Bowls in 1 Night
In loving memory of Tiki Bar.

Rap Battle
I actually would be horrible at this, and I freely admit it, but it would be a broadening experience. 

Get Wasted with Kris Jenner
This honestly doesn't seem like it would be that difficult to arrange.

Go To Malta
This is a thing and it is going to happen.

Meet Carmen Sandiego
She's such a style inspiration; I'd wear everything she does but in black. I like my clothes like I like my soul: black.

Buy this Saint Laurent Ermine Coat
I don't give two shits that it's $50,000.

Figure out why Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom just couldn't make it work.
This was a real tragedy.

Have an intervention for Miley
It's time.

Have a Japanese Tea Ceremony with Lorde, David Bowie and Tilda Swinton
The kimonos would be FIERCE

Drink the same amount of alcohol.
I'm satisfied with how I did in 2013.

Never get tricked into going to Marquee again
This isn't high school.

Hike the Appalachian Trail
At least part of it. That's a lot of redneck territory to take in at once.

Learn Korean
It's going to be useful. WWIII is just around the corner...

Become Friends with a Goat
Again, broadening. And they can function as lawnmowers.

Be More Like Gwyneth
No apologies.

Get nominated for something.
I don't care what as long as it is televised and I can wear Dior.

Happy 2014! Stay young and skinny! Or whatever, I really don't care, just avoid AA.



Now get out.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

So Ugly They Should Be At MOMA

It's Wednesday and I'm feeling extremely conflicted. Not because I can't decide which pair of sunglasses to wear when/if I leave the house today or because Tom Daley finally came out but apparently is already having a May-December romance with the guy who wrote Milk so ugh (also that's so gay). No, it's because of Solange Knowles. You love Solange. I love Solange. I've loved her ever since the time we shared a cab with Rita Ora to JFK the morning after Beyonce's baby shower (god it feels like forever ago) but WHY SOLANGE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THIS?
These are so ugly they could be an installation at MOMA.
I get that fashion is returning to the funkitude of the 90s, lord knows I love ripped jeans and underage Kate Moss, but there are certain things that, like a zombie, were meant to stay dead and never be resurrected but then oh whoops fuck the world they're back. Solange has paired up with Puma to design a line of sneakers apparently inspired by Brazil (sorry Brazil) but more or less look like she found them at Goodwill where they had been kicking it (get it?) for the last fifteen years. And then she did some ecstasy. 

 It's like something Courtney Love puked up.

 Don't these just scream Angelica Pickles/crack to you?

I'm just too confused by the scalloped detail to have an opinion on this. Wait, no, it's still ugly.

These are going to be on the feet of every whorey go-go boy at next years Pride.

If I see any of you wearing these I'm never speaking to you again.