Miley, seriously, you need to stop.

OKAY, I thought we addressed this back at the VMA's but apparently Miley has better things to do than take good advice, like mine. Maybe that's why things went south with Liam? You know, because she refused to listen to me that night when she and I were sitting next to a dumpster trying to ditch the paps and made friends with a homeless guy named Joaquin Phoenix.

Perhaps if she had listened to me this wouldn't have happened:

 

I thought Joaquin and I had set her straight but I guess not.

Oh, Miley. Girl. Gurl. GUUUUUURL. You're like two steps away from Britney in 07.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Love,

Patty

2013 Emmy's: The Good, the Bad, and the oh for Fuck's Sake.

The Emmy's are always such a who's who of Hollywood, especially this year because I have no idea who half the attendee's are, and most of the ones I do know I don't really care for. That being said they all have to wear SOMETHING (although I would love some nudist action at an awards show JUST ONCE. I'm looking at you, Michael Fassbender) and there was a lot to take in this evening so let's take a look!

First let's discuss what was good, or at least just OK:

 

Kiernan Shipka looking amazing. K, call me when you're old enough to party in Europe. 

Sarah Paulson. See Jane, not every lesbian has to wear a tuxedo to a formal event.

Zach, I'm just including you so you know I exist. Call me so we can start the Vulcan mating ritual.

 Merrit Wever. Not only does she look chic, she also looks surly which is like uber chic, so way to go. Oh, and congrats on the win, btw.

 Rose Byrne. Ugh, she looks so thin. Someone give her an Emmy just for that.

 Jessica Lange. She looks both chic and like she could rip off your head in one swift movement.

  Allison Janey. This dress makes her look so youthful it's almost creepy. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?

First of all why was Jewel at the Emmy's? And doesn't she also look like Kate Moss if K-Mo ate a balanced meal on a semi-regular basis?

 Alfre Woodard. Frankly I don't really care about her dress, I just think she's a bamf and would kick ass in a bar fight.

Blair Underwood. Remember when he and Miranda screwed like rabbits on SATC? I bet you're re-watching it right now. King B, you can get under my wood any day.

 Julianna Margulies looking like a chic piece of modern art. Good for you girl.

 Allison Williams. Screw you for looking like a Disney Princess. THAT IS MY LOOK.

 

Bros before hoes. Nothing amiss here.

Now let's move on to what didn't really work out:

Oh Zooey, this is just not working. You look like Sally Field in this, and for once that isn't a good thing.

Robin Wright...if you were about to appear in the Aeon Flux sequel then I would let this go but...no.

Kaley Cuoco...first of all I have no idea who you actually are, except for the fact that you dated Henry Cavill for a week, or something. But the proportions of this dress are so confusing you look like you are about to be broken in half. May I recommend going up a size? You could try Sears.

Sandrine Holt...another person I have never heard of. What I have heard of is the term "ripoff" since your dress is a direct ripoff of the Chanel Haute Couture 2006 collection. Your stylist should be shot.

 

GOT's fantastically cunty Lena Heady. This kills me because I worship you as Cersei but I'm having some difficulty with a) the dress which is a little Forever 21, b) the contrasting pump, and c) the fact that you look like you have to pee and are literally trying to hold it in. 

 And now for the most important moments: The WTF's

 Zosia Mamet. Hate your dress, hate your name, hate that little pleather boob tray, just feeling a lot of hate.

Asher Monroe. I just googled you because I had no idea who you were but I did know that I already disliked you because a) you need a tailor and b) you need to remove that vest. Seriously, where do you think you are? You look like a moron.

Amanda Peet...not only is this dress a WTF moment, but Peet's appearance is an even bigger one since I thought she had died or something like five years ago. Welcome back from the dead!

 Lily Rabe. Another person that I don't know. It's like she couldn't choose between two dresses so she just cut and pasted them together.

 

Taylor Schilling...I know you were only invited because you're going to star in a high-class porno coming out sometime in 2015 or something, but you have got to learn how to pose. AND YOU'RE STEPPING ON YOUR DRESS.

 

Lena...in case I didn't dislike you already...this just...ugh...JUST NO. I will never forgive you for any of this. 

 

Bite me.

I'm going to go cleanse my spirit now with a seayance abbetted by Ambien and Diptyque candles. Bye!

Love,

Patty

I Ditched the Duchess of Cambridge for Tom Ford

So I've actually voluntarily absented myself from much of London Fashion Week this year because Kate & William have been just DYING to show me the baby (I missed the royal birth because I was busy talking Kanye through Kim's delivery *sigh*). Also Kate has been begging me to go get a blowout with her so we did that and gabbed and she enjoyed the fact that she can drink again and I enjoyed the fact that I never had to stop. Seriously, cheers to that, Kate; I have no idea how you went nine months being both royal and sober with a HUMAN GROWING INSIDE YOU.
Sorry. I still haven't reconciled myself to this whole "pregnancy" thing. I'm still on board with the whole "stork" thing.

This is what my life has been for the last week, except George is now ON THE OUTSIDE.

Either way I managed to get some time away from the hectic pampering of Kensington in order to take in the Tom Ford show, which is always an experience. I know because I had like eighteen different experiences during the ten minute show, which is a new record for me, I think.
Let's review, shall we?

 If you are going to escape from a chic insane asylum this season DO IT IN TOBACCO.

 Barcalounger's are going to be HUGE next Spring. I think it's 'cus it'll be the 10th anniversary of Friends and we miss Chandler's shapeless ass.

 I think that tank is made out of that weird netting they package oranges in. I think.

 I'm less concerned with her outfit and more concerned with finding out what bird died to make that bag BECAUSE I WANT IT.

RIBBON DANCERS. That is all.

 

Oh wait. 

 Pretty sure I saw Courtney Love doing lines off this dress backstage.

  Spiderwebs does not underwear make.

Seriously, I can see everything.

 Spring 2014 is all about unusual tan lines.

 

This just makes me uncomfortable. Probably because it reminds me of Suessical.

I'm 99.9% certain this dress was made using only items found at Home Depot, with mostly paint chips and window screens.

 OMG IS THAT BEYONCÉ????

And then Tom came out and I started having a seizure induced by his foxiness and had to be escorted out. Judge all you want, Anna, go ahead, judge me.

In total it all felt very YSL, Alex Wang, and Balmain in the midst of a 3-way. At Studio 54. But in a jungle...so just Studio 54, I guess.

I'll let you know how Milan goes. Is anyone else feeling super awkward about the Dolce & Gabbana collection? I'm worried they might get arrested DURING the show. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Cheers!


Love,
Patty

Photos courtesy of style.com

Cheers from New York Fashion Week!

I don't always go to NYFW (I prefer Paris in general) but when I do I make a statement. 

Boots: Fiorentini + Baker, Jeans: Rag & Bone, Tee: Uniqlo, Glasses: Ray-Ban, Bag: Givenchy

You betta watch yoself because FASHION WEEK IS HAPPENING AND IT IS SO INTENSE. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? WILL ANNA WINTOUR SMILE? WILL MICHAEL KORS PROVE AGAIN THAT HE IS BETTER AT WINTER THAN SPRING? WHAT WILL ADR WEAR ON HER HEAD? IS CORN GOING TO BE A MAJOR THEME FOR SPRING 2014?
I have so many questions.

Fortunately there are things that are helping tide me over until I can answer these burning questions. Things such as the Pierre Balmain collection:

 How did you find me here?

 

I've been waiting for the bathroom FOREVER.

 

SIDE MAN BOOB

 

I got in an accident and have to wear this body cast until the next collection.

 

I SAID JUST THE TIP.

Or Jason Wu:

 This just slapped the peplum into next spring. DAMNIT.

 It's like the bat signal on her chest but sexy.

 SHE'S SWIMMING IN DIAMONDS

 I hate your hair, Karlie.

Thanks GP for the side butt!

Or Rebecca Minkoff:

 I hate the bride so much.

 WHO'S READY FOR COACHELLA?

I don't know why but this makes me want to play soccer and get margaritas. I DON'T KNOW.

Oh and thanks for the amazing tank RM. You're a babe.

D.own T.o F.iesta

Love,

Patty

Photos courtesy of style.com