Monday, September 23, 2013

2013 Emmy's: The Good, the Bad, and the oh for Fuck's Sake.

The Emmy's are always such a who's who of Hollywood, especially this year because I have no idea who half the attendee's are, and most of the ones I do know I don't really care for. That being said they all have to wear SOMETHING (although I would love some nudist action at an awards show JUST ONCE. I'm looking at you, Michael Fassbender) and there was a lot to take in this evening so let's take a look!

First let's discuss what was good, or at least just OK:
Kiernan Shipka looking amazing. K, call me when you're old enough to party in Europe. 

Sarah Paulson. See Jane, not every lesbian has to wear a tuxedo to a formal event.

Zach, I'm just including you so you know I exist. Call me so we can start the Vulcan mating ritual.

 Merrit Wever. Not only does she look chic, she also looks surly which is like uber chic, so way to go. Oh, and congrats on the win, btw.

 Rose Byrne. Ugh, she looks so thin. Someone give her an Emmy just for that.

 Jessica Lange. She looks both chic and like she could rip off your head in one swift movement.

  Allison Janey. This dress makes her look so youthful it's almost creepy. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?

First of all why was Jewel at the Emmy's? And doesn't she also look like Kate Moss if K-Mo ate a balanced meal on a semi-regular basis?

 Alfre Woodard. Frankly I don't really care about her dress, I just think she's a bamf and would kick ass in a bar fight.

Blair Underwood. Remember when he and Miranda screwed like rabbits on SATC? I bet you're re-watching it right now. King B, you can get under my wood any day.

 Julianna Margulies looking like a chic piece of modern art. Good for you girl.

 Allison Williams. Screw you for looking like a Disney Princess. THAT IS MY LOOK.

Bros before hoes. Nothing amiss here.

Now let's move on to what didn't really work out:
Oh Zooey, this is just not working. You look like Sally Field in this, and for once that isn't a good thing.

Robin Wright...if you were about to appear in the Aeon Flux sequel then I would let this go

Kaley Cuoco...first of all I have no idea who you actually are, except for the fact that you dated Henry Cavill for a week, or something. But the proportions of this dress are so confusing you look like you are about to be broken in half. May I recommend going up a size? You could try Sears.

Sandrine Holt...another person I have never heard of. What I have heard of is the term "ripoff" since your dress is a direct ripoff of the Chanel Haute Couture 2006 collection. Your stylist should be shot.

GOT's fantastically cunty Lena Heady. This kills me because I worship you as Cersei but I'm having some difficulty with a) the dress which is a little Forever 21, b) the contrasting pump, and c) the fact that you look like you have to pee and are literally trying to hold it in. 

 And now for the most important moments: The WTF's
 Zosia Mamet. Hate your dress, hate your name, hate that little pleather boob tray, just feeling a lot of hate.

Asher Monroe. I just googled you because I had no idea who you were but I did know that I already disliked you because a) you need a tailor and b) you need to remove that vest. Seriously, where do you think you are? You look like a moron.

Amanda Peet...not only is this dress a WTF moment, but Peet's appearance is an even bigger one since I thought she had died or something like five years ago. Welcome back from the dead!

 Lily Rabe. Another person that I don't know. It's like she couldn't choose between two dresses so she just cut and pasted them together.

Taylor Schilling...I know you were only invited because you're going to star in a high-class porno coming out sometime in 2015 or something, but you have got to learn how to pose. AND YOU'RE STEPPING ON YOUR DRESS. case I didn't dislike you already...this just...ugh...JUST NO. I will never forgive you for any of this. 
Bite me.

I'm going to go cleanse my spirit now with a seayance abbetted by Ambien and Diptyque candles. Bye!


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