Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Hi September! I'm Old.

I hope your Labor Day was fun. Mine lost its shit quicker than Courtney Love because Heather Locklear got SUPER pissed about the whole Germany prank and she was sending me boxes of baby alligators all day-WHICH ARE NOT EASY TO GET RID OF THANK YOU HEATHER-but they are now headed to the Brooklyn Zoo so w/e. It was either that or Herm├Ęs but I've been in a humanitarian mood.

ANYWAYS. There is so much happening right now and I am just not sure what to do anymore. Boy bands are reuniting and I'm not down, Miley's butt is EVERYWHERE and I told it NO, Syria is FREAKING OUT, and all these little babies are going back to school and for the first time in years I'm not. I feel so old. What am I supposed to do about it? I want to cry and curl up in a ball but instead of showing you pictures of me crying in the corner I'm going to share some tips to get through all that crap:

Go on a date with no future.
This works best if you manage to find someone who is attractive but not devastating (like between a 6-8), that way you don't feel like you're slumming but also don't need to worry about the outcome. Hell, go home with them for all I care; a little ego boost never hurt anyone except a dictator.

Buy something.

Retail therapy. Like, do I need to say anything more? Turn off your computer right now and go to Barney's. Or at least hit up the warehouse, TOTES worth it.

Get plastic surgery.
Nothing says new beginnings like new cheekbones. I've never been under the knife but I'm not making any promises. Matching noses in 2014, mom! xx

Collect something.
Go on, get a hobby. I don't know, collect stamps or jail sentences or an addiction or something. It's your life.

Drink something.
This could very well go with the previous tip. Okay, I'm going to the Boom Boom Room for a G&T, I'll talk to you later.

p.s. bonus points if you do what I did last night and make friends with a bar full of Latina women and convince them you and your guy friend are getting married in 2015. Good times.


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