Sunday, May 4, 2014

Preparing for the Met Gala OR How Much Tequila is Too Much?

Tomorrow is a very important day for two very imporant reasons, and while I will be talking about the events that occur more in-depth once they have actually taken place, I still feel like I should lay out some ground work in anticipation. These important things are:

The Met Ball
That's me, by the way, in case you couldn't tell.

Cinco de Mayo
If you aren't obsessed with this image then you're dead to me.

Let's be real-the Met totally missed an opportunity to turn this year's festivities into one big drunken embarrassment (my specialty) by making the theme "Charles James: America's First Couteriour" (or whatever it is) and not "Cinco de Drunko: A retrospective of Nicole Richie's fashion choices from 2002-2006". Now, if you've been living under a rock for most of your life or are actually that un-chic, the Met Ball is THE social event of the season. It's better than the Oscars because no one makes speeches (everyone knows there are only like three speeches worth hearing at the Oscars) and the fashion totally outranks anything at the Kennedy Center Honors, which is another event I plan on attending one day. When Cinderella wished to go to the ball THIS is what she had in mind-not a hop, skip, and a jump into a loveless marriage for security. 

The truth of the matter is that you need to be a person of consequence to go to the Met Ball, and while my looks are totally on par with your average Victoria's Secret model, I haven't quite gotten the billing that they deserve. In other words, I need to accomplish (I hate that word) a little bit more before I can actually earn my invitation. So while I'm dreaming of Florence Welch and Naomi Campbell running around the Sackler wing with giant sombreros and margaritas, here's a list of other things I hope to achieve in the meantime:

Buy an Island
I would hire a landscape architect to turn it into an exact replica of Neverland and once a year invite all my friends to participate in a week-long game of Peter Pan-themed capture the flag. The four teams would of course be the Lost Boys, the Pirates, the "Indians"/Native Americans, and the Mermaids. I already called dibs on team captain for the Mermaids but I still hope you can make it. 

Ride an Ostrich
Preferably in a Swiss Family Robinson-racing scenario.

Live in a Castle

Marry Into Royalty
See above. And because I look adorable in a tiara.

Becomes BFFs with Victoria Beckham
Let's be real, the only person who does resting bitch face as well as me is the lovely Vicky B. We would basically be the new Olsen twins.

Land the cover of Vanity Fair/Vogue/Vogue Paris/Vogue Japan/British Vogue/Harper's Bazaar/Maxim/you get the idea
If Kate Upton can do it, so can I.

I mean how hard could it be?

Give a TED Talk
Again, can't be that hard. I'm pretty sure they let just about anyone give them now.

Create a Diet Fad
I'm thinking it will rely mostly on "detoxing" with weed and naps.

Have my own Tequila
I was going to make it called "Tequila Mockingbird" but then I found out that that is nowhere near as original as I had thought, so instead I think it will be called something along the lines of "Helen's Choice".

Commandeer a Pirate Ship
Yes, I learned the word "commandeer" from Pirates of the Caribbean, and no, I don't care.

Perform with the Rolling Stones
They would of course be serving as my backup because duh. 

Leave Ann Coulter Stranded on a Glacier
Remember her? Yeah, she sucks. Speaking as a radical, militant feminist, no woman makes me long for the days of corsets and gender inequality like she does.

Travel Back in Time
I'm secretly a HUGE nerd, so I'm constantly thinking about how Louis XIV and his court would react to my leather pants, cleanliness, and Lady GaGa. I MUST KNOW.

Stop Being so Scared of Rosie O'donnell
Seriously, that woman terrifies me. Also, I feel the need to tell you that when I downloaded this picture from Google it was already labelled "rosiedyke" less thing for me to do.

Beat an Irishmen at a Drinking Game
It shames me to say this, but so far the only people to beat me at a drinking game have been Irish...which just drives me INSANE.

Publish my first book.

Jeez, you people are so hard to please. It's like you're my family or something.


No comments:

Post a Comment