Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Are You Afraid of the Dark (liquor)?

Today the barista at Dean & Deluca put whole milk in my latte instead of skim, as I had requested. After feeling faint and having to lay down upon my chaise longue, this got me to thinking about fear.
We all have fears, like, what if they forget to put the dressing on the side of my seared tuna & kale salad and I'm too cross-faded to make a fuss? Or what if I lose track of my teacup husky (that's a thing now) and I find it three weeks later expired inside my Balenciaga bag? (#whatsthatsmell?)

Now, I know a lot of you look up to me, mainly because I never go anywhere in flat shoes, so I thought I would help all of us grow by airing some of the terrifying thoughts that keep me up at night. Below I've listed ten of my biggest fears; hopefully this will encourage you to do the same thing, and by doing so begin the process of confronting your own personal demons.

Just remember that this, like the trunk of my car, is a safe space. 

Diet Coke
Terrifying because it's even worse for you than its already sadistic sibling, regular Coke. Just do what I do and stick to the holy trinity: water, green tea, and alcohol.

Rosie O'Donnell
 Because you know that instead of hiring an assasin she would kill you herself.

Bruce Jenner's Adams Apple
Is it there? Is it not there? I don't know but I need a concrete answer.

Back Sweat
I shouldn't need to elaborate.


Becoming Beth from Little Women
No one wants to be Beth. I'm totally Amy, but I'd also settle for Jo.

Who the hell knows what they are hiding down there.

I'd rather try Sears. Besides, then what would happen to this blog?

I have the best damn head of hair in the Tri-State area. Plus, if I still have it when I'm old I want to look like this:

They are always up to some kind of socialist bullshit. GET BACK TO YOUR POTATO FIELD.

The following future deaths:
Jane Fonda
Hillary Clinton
Anna Wintour
Tom Ford
Karl Lagerfeld
Judi Dench
Maggie Smith
Antonia Fraser
Lena Dunham

I know, you're shocked by that last one, but the hatred fuels my daily existence. Without her, I would be nothing.


Word to your mother.


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