Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patty's Guide to St. Paddy's Day

This morning while I was walking Candy Bergen on her leash through the East Village I was rather perturbed by the amount of people I saw out and about celebrating the "holiday" (I still don't know if anything to come out of Ireland really deserves an actual holiday). Everywhere I looked there were average looking girls in that painfully unflattering shade of kelly green with shamrock stickers on their cheeks (both kinds) and men of average height in American Eangle denim (gag) with Guinness Suessical hats on their heads. It was a total nightmare. I had to run all the way to the Chanel store in Soho and buy something just to feel good about myself again.

Now, you're probably like "Patty, WTF? You drink like Elton John in the 80s and you love anything that you can even remotely make about yourself", which is indeed true, but let me say this: in the immortal words of Karen Walker "I don't drink on holidays, that's for amateurs." Truer words have never been spoken.

Any other day of the year I will take up this cause, but not today.

Instead of being average, here are some other ways to celebrate the holiday.

Smoke Weed
It's green, calorie free, and won't make you puke on the sidewalk and then go right back to singing Thrift Shop like I saw Latoya Jackson doing on the corner of 7th & Avenue B a few hours ago. 

Buy A Snakeskin Accessory
According to legend St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland (they probably thanked him for it later) so celebrate his victory with a little snake of your own. I'm loving this Givenchy clutch courtesy of Barneys

Never Eat Potatoes Again (or anything for that matter)
If the Irish ate them then you know they aren't chic, and besides how skinny do you think those people got when they stopped eating them during that whole "famine" thing? Lose the carbs, lose the chunky thighs.

Watch Anything With Anjelica Houston
She is probably the only Irish thing worth really celebrating. If Diana Vreeland loved her you should too.

Watch River Dancing on Mushrooms
Trust me.

Become An Immigrant
But a chic one; wear only Ann Demulemeester and lose ten pounds. Also please don't come to New York City unless you can walk fast on the sidewalk and leave me alone in general.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to glazing these 8,000 donuts I'm sending to my boy Rob Kardashian for his birthday.


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