Anyways this "job" they gave me seems chic, but I actually still don't know what the company does, or if it even is a company or just a group of people that meet in a Soho loft most days for coffee while some French man hums along to Duck Sauce's "Barbra Streisand". I'm honestly not even sure if it's a real place, or if I just took too many ambien and and drank one too many pots of green tea (I season it with peyote) and imagined the whole thing.
Since I don't quite understand what I'm supposed to be doing at this "job", here are somethings that I hope it involves:
Being Best Friends With Lupita Nyong'O
Move over J.Law, you're done.
Not even in a professional context, I'm just hoping for lots of tequila.
Being Gwyneth's Life Coach
Normally Gwyneth guides me, but right now I feel like it is time for me to guide Gwyneth.
Channeling the ghost of Princess Diana
I still really miss her.
Redecorating the office.
It could use it. I'm thinking zebra rugs, fossils, marble, repurposing an old ocean liner, a rock crystal chandelier, and a Turkish tent for myself.
Taking over Chanel
I never want Karl to stop, but if he has to then it may as well be me replacing him.
Being a high-class courtesan
I recently started re-watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl", and I forgot how chic she makes prostitution look. Plus the whole two-personality, having-sex-with-a-stranger-while-pretending-to-be-a-stranger-to-yourself thing is weirdly hot. But seriously, if you haven't seen this show you need to go watch it RIGHT NOW.
Ruling a small European nation.
Babysitting Prince George
Not going to work.
Whatever, maybe I'll show up tomorrow.