Monday, April 14, 2014

Now Get That Work Work Work Work

So I recently decided to get one of those "job" things everyone keeps telling me about. Honestly, if I had more unemployed friends then I wouldn't have even bothered; I only did it because having to get liquid lunch at Pastis by myself everyday was starting to get really old. Like, blah blah blah I get it, you "work", or whatever, but would it kill you to take a three-hour lunch break to hang out with me? I think not. You'd probably thank me for it, frankly.

Anyways this "job" they gave me seems chic, but I actually still don't know what the company does, or if it even is a company or just a group of people that meet in a Soho loft most days for coffee while some French man hums along to Duck Sauce's "Barbra Streisand". I'm honestly not even sure if it's a real place, or if I just took too many ambien and and drank one too many pots of green tea (I season it with peyote) and imagined the whole thing.

Since I don't quite understand what I'm supposed to be doing at this "job", here are somethings that I hope it involves:

Being Best Friends With Lupita Nyong'O 
Move over J.Law, you're done.

Tequila Tasting
Not even in a professional context, I'm just hoping for lots of tequila. 

Being Gwyneth's Life Coach
Normally Gwyneth guides me, but right now I feel like it is time for me to guide Gwyneth.

Channeling the ghost of Princess Diana
I still really miss her.

Redecorating the office.
It could use it. I'm thinking zebra rugs, fossils, marble, repurposing an old ocean liner, a rock crystal chandelier, and a Turkish tent for myself. 

Taking over Chanel
I never want Karl to stop, but if he has to then it may as well be me replacing him.

Being a high-class courtesan 
I recently started re-watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl", and I forgot how chic she makes prostitution look. Plus the whole two-personality, having-sex-with-a-stranger-while-pretending-to-be-a-stranger-to-yourself thing is weirdly hot. But seriously, if you haven't seen this show you need to go watch it RIGHT NOW.

Ruling a small European nation.
Because duh.

Babysitting Prince George

I would teach him everything he needs to know about peasants.

Not going to work.

Whatever, maybe I'll show up tomorrow.


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