Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless GOOP

When I found out Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were going their separate ways I experienced an initial wave of nausea, expelled a single tear, and poured out a bottle of Dom for the relationships of yore. Now, full disclosure: I never cared for Chris Martin. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a perfectly nice guy, and I'm sure he's a terrific dad, but he wasn't right for Gwyneth and never was. Sure, he kind of complimented her with his granola-rocker vibe because it gelled with her health-goddess vibe, but that was about it in my book. And he's in Coldplay so that is just like minus so many points.

That being said, I was naturally thinking a lot about dear Gwynny-P, but then I saw this:

and things took a turn for the worst.

If you have ever talked/hung out/worked/drank/smoked/made out/dieted/spent two weeks in an ashram in Thailand/shopped/hiked/played badminton/had a threesome with Mads Mikkelsen and Chelsea Handler/been friends with me, then you know that I love GOOP almost as much as I love myself. I admit, however, that it is difficult to differentiate my love between GOOP and Gwyneth. My love for Gwyneth is aspirational: I want to be her because I know I never will be (god that was hard to say). I comfort myself with the fact that I'm actually Charlize Theron with just a hint of Oscar Wilde. Right? Crazy, I know, but so true.

But GOOP, man,...I mean...it's GOOP.

It's the most perfect mix of beauty, wonder, and batshit crazy that I have ever seen. It is the only place where I could find a much needed $495.00 malachite box to hold my demons, or read about olive oil without feeling fat, or discover the perfect organic sushi restaurant to go to the next time I'm in Marrakech. It nourishes me.

If GOOP goes out of business I may literally die.

Make sure Gwyneth is at my funeral.


Love,
Patty

SHUT UP YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

You guys. You guys. Seriously. You guys. I know you think your lives are important but something MAJOR has been going on while you have been busy "working" or "living" or whatever it is that you do...GWYNETH IS ON INSTAGRAM.

Of course her first picture is a selfie with Jason Wu. Judging from Gwyneth's tousled locks and dopamine-filled expression, I'd say it looks as though they just had some rough afternoon sex because what else are you going to do between 2-4pm while you wait for happy hour to start.

I think the most inspirational thing about this is the copyright insignia in the corner, because you never know who might be trying to regram without giving proper credit. Way to connect with the plebes, GooP.

"I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year"

And we never would ask you to, Gwyn. Never change.

Okay now I have to go back to getting my Paris roundups ready for you poor bitches.

Cheers!

Love,
Patty

Gwyneth Paltrow's Most Obnoxious Food Quotes

Go read this right now at The Savory. It's bliss.

Oh and I cannot get over this look. Gwyn, I think you're the cat's pajamas or whatever, but I literally spit beer out of my mouth when I saw this blouse:

I hope you burned it.


Love,
Patty

The Mean Reds

There are those people that come into your life for a seemingly good reason but only create toxic situations-think Christian Slater in Heathers. While sometimes a bottle of wine and a Xanax will do the trick (but not ambien; alcohol and ambien have never done anything good except made one of my Audrey Hepburn posters dance and talk to me) you may need to dig a little deeper than the medicine cabinet and wine cellar and do some actual spiritual healing.

Granted I'm stuck up in West Harlem for the next few months (no gun shot wounds yet!) so obviously I can't afford a weeklong mental health retreat to Arizona  like Gwyneth Paltrow (Gwyn, if you read this feel free to foot the bill and I'll go, as per your goop.com recommendation), so I have to rely on my own versions of a spiritual rehab.

I'm not one for self-help books; just like wearing loud patterns, they really aren't my style. I generally rely on astrology and the zodiac to guide me through life because, honestly, it's the oldest form of religion, psychology, and fortune telling we have in this world, and I think the fact that it's lasted longer than any organized religion says a lot. Two websites that I rely on for guidance the most are Astrologyzone.com & Astrostyle.com. Always make sure to read for both your sun sign and rising sign as they are equally important. If you don't know your rising sign then google a birth chart calculator to see a full map of your inner makeup (astrotheme.com is a great place to start), but keep in mind that you'll need to know the time of your birth in order for this to work. Honestly, there's a lot more going on than just your sun sign; as I always tell people, only knowing your sun sign is like only knowing how to move one piece on the chessboard. So if you feel like you've been floundering try astrology as a new approach to figuring yourself out.

I'm also going to make a few film recommendations that I tend to rely on whenever I feel the need to hit the reset button. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's Honestly, is there anything more chic than this film? Audrey even makes eating empty calories look chic.

I Am Love Probably one of the must stunning, original movies I've ever watched. Tilda's Jil Sander-designed wardrobe and collection of Hermes bags is reason enough to Netflix this one.

Marie-Antoinette An all time favorite of mine, mainly because it's like watching one long, beautiful music video. I personally recommend turning it off about 15 minutes before the end and pretending that everything works out just fine. I'm still bitter about the French Revolution from my past life.

And if these movies don't do the trick, then just go to Barney's. Nothing bad can ever happen to you there, and even if you can't afford to leave with a few shopping bags, being surrounded by all that beauty and luxury is way more appealing than any therapy session.

Love,

Patty