I'm devastated.

Ever since I was little I have wanted to marry the Aga Khan. I wanted to be like the Peter Sarstedt song “Where Do You Go To My Lovely” where he sings “You know the Aga Khan” except I wanted it to be “You wed the Age Khan” or something. Basically this all stems from the fact that my biggest aspiration is to marry into a title. Yes, I would have had to convert to Islam for him, but it would be worth it because then I would be a Prince.

Unfortunately this dream has been crushed since Prince Rahim Aga Khan, who was my Prince William before Prince William was even a thing, was married to a MODEL just a few days ago ON LAKE GENEVA. I’m literally crushed by this news. I had to go cry in the bathroom at Harper’s Bazaar but fortunately since there is only one other man in the whole place I didn’t have to worry about anyone walking in on me during my sob fest.

Please kill me.

My heart hurts.

 I'm literally devastated.

I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE KATE MIDDLETON BUT YOU AREN'T.

So, congrats Kendra Spears, you managed to not only crush my childhood dreams but you managed to add insult to injury and be a top model. And you get advice from Naomi Campbell. Do you know what I would give to get advice from Naomi Campbell? I’m sure she is a way better therapist than Christie Brinkley, who is phoning it in right now, frankly.

So congrats. You just leapt right passed Heather Locklear to the head of my list. Watch out for bees.

Love,

Patty

Photos courtesy of HuffPo.

Hi September! I'm Old.

I hope your Labor Day was fun. Mine lost its shit quicker than Courtney Love because Heather Locklear got SUPER pissed about the whole Germany prank and she was sending me boxes of baby alligators all day-WHICH ARE NOT EASY TO GET RID OF THANK YOU HEATHER-but they are now headed to the Brooklyn Zoo so w/e. It was either that or Hermès but I've been in a humanitarian mood.

ANYWAYS. There is so much happening right now and I am just not sure what to do anymore. Boy bands are reuniting and I'm not down, Miley's butt is EVERYWHERE and I told it NO, Syria is FREAKING OUT, and all these little babies are going back to school and for the first time in years I'm not. I feel so old. What am I supposed to do about it? I want to cry and curl up in a ball but instead of showing you pictures of me crying in the corner I'm going to share some tips to get through all that crap:

Go on a date with no future.

This works best if you manage to find someone who is attractive but not devastating (like between a 6-8), that way you don't feel like you're slumming but also don't need to worry about the outcome. Hell, go home with them for all I care; a little ego boost never hurt anyone except a dictator.

Buy something.

Retail therapy. Like, do I need to say anything more? Turn off your computer right now and go to Barney's. Or at least hit up the warehouse, TOTES worth it.

Get plastic surgery.

Nothing says new beginnings like new cheekbones. I've never been under the knife but I'm not making any promises. Matching noses in 2014, mom! xx

Collect something.

Go on, get a hobby. I don't know, collect stamps or jail sentences or an addiction or something. It's your life.

Drink something.

This could very well go with the previous tip. Okay, I'm going to the Boom Boom Room for a G&T, I'll talk to you later.

p.s. bonus points if you do what I did last night and make friends with a bar full of Latina women and convince them you and your guy friend are getting married in 2015. Good times.

NEVER FORGET.


Love,
Patty

Stop it Miley. Stop it.

So I was planning to attend the VMAs Sunday night, but one of Rihanna's gays sent me this photo of Miley on the red carpet, and I automatically told my driver to turn around and head straight for the rooftop at the Jane because I needed to feel safe and secure.

I feel like it's watching me.

Anyways, I made friends with my vodka tonic and was feeling much better, but then someone happened to be streaming the show on their ipad (I still don't know why there was an ipad at the Jane) and I saw this:

I ordered another vodka.

Then this happened:

And I ordered three tequila shots and wondered what was wrong with the world. Fortunately I don't think I was alone:

Lol Zayn.

But despite Miley doing her worst there was one thing about the VMAs that made me feel really okay in a way that nothing else but GOOP has in a long time: 

Look it's Jesus!

I have a new hairspiration. Sorry Kate.  

To celebrate my restored faith in humanity I automatically prank-called Heather Locklear pretending to be Angela Merkel. Heather is now on her way to Germany under the assumption that she is going to be attending a state dinner and giving a speech on starving children in Africa before half the world's diplomats. Ha. I had to get her back for sending me all those bees.

Have fun in Germany, Heather!

Love,

Patty

All images courtesy of Getty and Heather Locklear's choices.

Tory Burch Launches Beauty, Doubles Her Worth.

So you may have read somewhere recently that Tory Burch is now worth a cool billion, or perhaps I just made that up, but either way the woman's bank account is pretty healthy. Like Gwyneth healthy. But it's probably going to go all Shallow Hal on us now that Tory Burch is launching a new beauty collection. For those of you who aren't aware most brands really make their money off of beauty and fragrance lines, as those are the easiest for consumers across the board to afford. My head isn't just a hat rack, people.

Left: Tory's wallet before the launch. Right: Tory's wallet one month after.

It'll be a capsule collection of preppy basics-what? From Tory Burch? Shocking, I know. Either way the point to take away from this is to invest in Tory Burch NOW because you can bet this venture is going to cause the value of her company to sky rocket. 

The line will be available for pre-sale 9/6/13, and be available in stores starting on the 26th. Although I haven't seen any prices anywhere I'm going to go out on a limb and guestimate the collection will range from $25-$70. Well played Tory, well played. I know you'll be laughing your tanned ass off all the way to the bank.

Love,

Patty

Photos courtesy of WWD

Gwyneth Paltrow's Most Obnoxious Food Quotes

Go read this right now at The Savory. It's bliss.

Oh and I cannot get over this look. Gwyn, I think you're the cat's pajamas or whatever, but I literally spit beer out of my mouth when I saw this blouse:

I hope you burned it.


Love,
Patty

White Nails

Normally I don't stray from basic black if I'm feeling the nail polish, which is sort of a Once In A Blue Moon phenomenon as it is. I like to say Live and Let Live, but guys in colored nail polish (and god forbid multiple colors at the same time) has never really sat right with me; I guess I'm just a traditionalist. I like to stick to my classic punk-rocker wannabe black, thank you very much.

Buuuuuut since white polish has been popping up everywhere as the hot color of 2013, I decided WTF, let's give it a try, and you know what? I'm pretty happy with the outcome.

Ring: Saint Laurent Paris, $295

I tracked down a bottle of Chanel 459 White Satin, which I prefer as it doesn't feature as much shine as other colors such as Pearl Drop and Attraction. Chanel no longer carries White Satin online, but check out the rest of the collection and see below for some great alternative picks!

NARS

Ecume, $19

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE COSMETICS

Feathered, $10

BIC

Wite Out, $1.49

Because it's funny.

Love,

Patty

Photos courtesy of NARS, Sephora, and CHANEL

Fall 2013 Campaigns: Valentino

Valentino was the show of the season for Fall 2013. That's not an opinion, it's a fact. It was elegant, it was romantic, it was inspired, and it made me want to run around in ball gowns all day (nothing new there). It was the perfect mash-up of Wednesday Adams, Little Red Riding Hood, and a Dutch Master, and that's a combo that could get kind of weird if mishandled.

Check out my favorite looks from the campaign below:

 

Beautiful, right?

Love,

Patty 

All photos courtesy of Valentino.