Manboobs and Crotch Shot with Kanye West

Kanye opened his Yeezus tour in Seattle last night, and frankly I couldn't care less, BUT he did get my attention when he managed to grab his crotch so firmly that he in fact ripped his pants:

 

Take as long as you need to let that get firmly stuck in your brain. In the meantime there are a few other things I need to point out to you, dear reader, such as:

1. That epic gorilla titty manboob flapping in the wind.

2. Stomach rolls (seriously, dude, put on a fucking undershirt. No one, not even Kim, wants to see that.)

3. Am I crazy or does it look like he has the smallest feet in the world? Like I don't exactly have canoes for feet but DAMN.

I'm going to ignore the Margiela mask because that is FASHION and because something else very important happened: Kanye communed with Jesus Christ last night.

I can only imagine what they talked about, but I hope Jesus told Kanye what he's been meaning to tell the Christian Right for a long time: shut the fuck up.
Thank you for being such a dickhead, Kanye, and I hope the Jesus-actor felt really bad about himself after this.

And here to cleanse the palate is Martha Stewart dressed up as Glinda the Good Witch/A Pink Dementor. 

Do you feel better? No? Whatever, not my problem.


Love,
Patty

I CAN'T TURN IT OFF: BAKERMAT

You may or may not know this about me but I have something of an affinity for the Dutch. I don't know if it's because I had a dutch au pair growing up or because there's something about wooden shoes that just gets to me or because they were one of the first countries to have legal weed and gay marriage, but either way I'm super down to go frolic with windmills in fields of tulips.

Another great thing the Netherlands gave us? DJ Bakermat. I heard his song Uitzicht for the first time this weekend at a rooftop bar (conveniently located on top of my apartment building) and I haven't been able to stop listening since. I KNOW it's a funny word and I KNOW that this song came out like three months ago but I DON'T CARE because it is AMAZING and you need to listen to it right now and dance out your feelings in some fancy wooden clogs.

Are you dancing yet?


Love,
Patty

Sunday/Funday with Young Karl Lagerfeld

Le sigh. It's Sunday night. The cat's being an asshole, the fire alarm is going off across the street at the Neptune Hotel, I only have one alcoholic cider left, and I ate an extra serving of cheese which I now regret. C'est la vie. Until Mars enters my rising sign of Virgo this week on the 15th I'm allowed to be low energy. Maybe that's what is going on with the government shutdown. Maybe the senate is collectively a Virgo, too.

In the spirit of that-and my hangover from last night which will just not give up-please enjoy these pictures of a young Karl Lagerfeld and remember the days when he and Yves Saint Laurent were in the bitchiest feud ever.

 Here he is telling the model to lose five pounds.

 Working on his fitness.

Having a Baywatch/Sports Illustrated moment. 

 This is a thing.

 Who knew he was such a bear?

From his Mr. Universe audition tape.

 

I really can't form an opinion on this.

 Channeling his inner Dali, or something.

Right before going on stage at the opening performance of the Mikado.

And then there was this super awkward 90s phase...

What a fabulous queen. We salute you, Kaiser Karl.


Love,
Patty

Les Bien-Aimes or Beloved OR French people can get away with anything.

Earlier this week my body succumbed to a bout of illness. Don't freak out, everything is fine now and I'm alive, so no need to contemplate a world without Patty. That being said I didn't leave my loft much and ergo had time to go through my Netflix queu and catch up on what I'd been missing, namely this masterpiece:

This movie is the most stylish thing to come out of France since Catherine Deneuve came out of the womb with a full head of side-swept luxurious locks and a cigarette dangling from her lips.

Catherine Deneuve's younger self, played by bottle blond Ludivine Sagnier, become a hooker on the side in order to pay for her growing Roger Vivier habit...totally understandable.

She "falls in love" with a Czech doctor...

 

They have a lot of sex...

And then they have a kid, because that's something that happens to straight people.

Move forward twenty years and that Charlotte Gainsbourg knock-off has become Chiara Mastroianni, who is actually Catherine Deneuve's daughter IRL, btw.

Chiara Mastroianni falls in love with a gay Paul Schneider. We've all been there, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

And then they sing about it because it's a weird gay-ish romance.

And she also does the kind of choreographed bar dance that only French women can pull off...and me when the moon is illuminating my fifth house.

The clothes are amazing and enough to make one want to go retro for the day and actually consider wearing a polyester blend. Okay, not really. 

There's also a bunch of old people having sex, which normally isn't my thing but the French just make it work. I guess when it comes to Catherine Deneuve it doesn't really matter what she's doing as long as we get to watch her do it.

I'm not going to tell you any more because I don't feel like typing, so just take my word that this movie is gorgeous, chic, depressing, erotic, AND includes some great musical numbers that, again, only the French can pull off because they can say the most banal things while still being chic. Watch the trailer here if you still aren't convinced:

Oh and on a totally random side note I found Clay Aiken's OkCupid profile this morning, so there's something.


Love,
Patty

SHUT UP YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

You guys. You guys. Seriously. You guys. I know you think your lives are important but something MAJOR has been going on while you have been busy "working" or "living" or whatever it is that you do...GWYNETH IS ON INSTAGRAM.

Of course her first picture is a selfie with Jason Wu. Judging from Gwyneth's tousled locks and dopamine-filled expression, I'd say it looks as though they just had some rough afternoon sex because what else are you going to do between 2-4pm while you wait for happy hour to start.

I think the most inspirational thing about this is the copyright insignia in the corner, because you never know who might be trying to regram without giving proper credit. Way to connect with the plebes, GooP.

"I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year"

And we never would ask you to, Gwyn. Never change.

Okay now I have to go back to getting my Paris roundups ready for you poor bitches.

Cheers!

Love,
Patty

Miley, seriously, you need to stop.

OKAY, I thought we addressed this back at the VMA's but apparently Miley has better things to do than take good advice, like mine. Maybe that's why things went south with Liam? You know, because she refused to listen to me that night when she and I were sitting next to a dumpster trying to ditch the paps and made friends with a homeless guy named Joaquin Phoenix.

Perhaps if she had listened to me this wouldn't have happened:

 

I thought Joaquin and I had set her straight but I guess not.

Oh, Miley. Girl. Gurl. GUUUUUURL. You're like two steps away from Britney in 07.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Love,

Patty

2013 Emmy's: The Good, the Bad, and the oh for Fuck's Sake.

The Emmy's are always such a who's who of Hollywood, especially this year because I have no idea who half the attendee's are, and most of the ones I do know I don't really care for. That being said they all have to wear SOMETHING (although I would love some nudist action at an awards show JUST ONCE. I'm looking at you, Michael Fassbender) and there was a lot to take in this evening so let's take a look!

First let's discuss what was good, or at least just OK:

 

Kiernan Shipka looking amazing. K, call me when you're old enough to party in Europe. 

Sarah Paulson. See Jane, not every lesbian has to wear a tuxedo to a formal event.

Zach, I'm just including you so you know I exist. Call me so we can start the Vulcan mating ritual.

 Merrit Wever. Not only does she look chic, she also looks surly which is like uber chic, so way to go. Oh, and congrats on the win, btw.

 Rose Byrne. Ugh, she looks so thin. Someone give her an Emmy just for that.

 Jessica Lange. She looks both chic and like she could rip off your head in one swift movement.

  Allison Janey. This dress makes her look so youthful it's almost creepy. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?

First of all why was Jewel at the Emmy's? And doesn't she also look like Kate Moss if K-Mo ate a balanced meal on a semi-regular basis?

 Alfre Woodard. Frankly I don't really care about her dress, I just think she's a bamf and would kick ass in a bar fight.

Blair Underwood. Remember when he and Miranda screwed like rabbits on SATC? I bet you're re-watching it right now. King B, you can get under my wood any day.

 Julianna Margulies looking like a chic piece of modern art. Good for you girl.

 Allison Williams. Screw you for looking like a Disney Princess. THAT IS MY LOOK.

 

Bros before hoes. Nothing amiss here.

Now let's move on to what didn't really work out:

Oh Zooey, this is just not working. You look like Sally Field in this, and for once that isn't a good thing.

Robin Wright...if you were about to appear in the Aeon Flux sequel then I would let this go but...no.

Kaley Cuoco...first of all I have no idea who you actually are, except for the fact that you dated Henry Cavill for a week, or something. But the proportions of this dress are so confusing you look like you are about to be broken in half. May I recommend going up a size? You could try Sears.

Sandrine Holt...another person I have never heard of. What I have heard of is the term "ripoff" since your dress is a direct ripoff of the Chanel Haute Couture 2006 collection. Your stylist should be shot.

 

GOT's fantastically cunty Lena Heady. This kills me because I worship you as Cersei but I'm having some difficulty with a) the dress which is a little Forever 21, b) the contrasting pump, and c) the fact that you look like you have to pee and are literally trying to hold it in. 

 And now for the most important moments: The WTF's

 Zosia Mamet. Hate your dress, hate your name, hate that little pleather boob tray, just feeling a lot of hate.

Asher Monroe. I just googled you because I had no idea who you were but I did know that I already disliked you because a) you need a tailor and b) you need to remove that vest. Seriously, where do you think you are? You look like a moron.

Amanda Peet...not only is this dress a WTF moment, but Peet's appearance is an even bigger one since I thought she had died or something like five years ago. Welcome back from the dead!

 Lily Rabe. Another person that I don't know. It's like she couldn't choose between two dresses so she just cut and pasted them together.

 

Taylor Schilling...I know you were only invited because you're going to star in a high-class porno coming out sometime in 2015 or something, but you have got to learn how to pose. AND YOU'RE STEPPING ON YOUR DRESS.

 

Lena...in case I didn't dislike you already...this just...ugh...JUST NO. I will never forgive you for any of this. 

 

Bite me.

I'm going to go cleanse my spirit now with a seayance abbetted by Ambien and Diptyque candles. Bye!

Love,

Patty